Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 39553 times)

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #150 on: May 01, 2017, 08:59:37 AM »
Okay, may sound very juvenile here, but a quandary for me nevertheless.  I am not a materialistic person.  I married young, and had one checking account the entire marriage. We had nothing but hope, a college education which meant something 27 years ago, and each other. We lived comfortably, not extravagantly.

Move forward to NG.  He married at 30, and she was a professional, too.  Military, living in Europe.  They were DINKS, traveled everywhere.  Speak a couple languages each, etc.  She left after two kids and back in the states, took 75% of the assets, and NG is stretched.  I am okay financially due to DH planning well.  Not rich, but have some flexibility others don't have. 

NG shares more with me about his marriage.  He bought her jewelry galore, special pieces from their travels, the Mercedes they brought back to the states, trips, cruises, all kinds of things.  We go dutch often or trade off.  He has two kids to take care of.  I have my son.

But here is the rub.  I didn't date him for money or stuff.  Not me, but I do feel like he doesn't seem to show me some courtesy he did his wife.  Not his wife, I know.  But I don't see him doing that for me.  I don't want stuff, but I want to be "worthy" of his attention.    However, he has seemed to flip completely to the other side.  Like he wanted to prove himself to her by buying things, and such.  But now he is the opposite.  Not sure what I am saying here.  He married her 4 months of knowing her and states he didn't wait long enough to KNOW her.  We are already past a year.  I am evaluating my "love language" and seeing if that is the problem.  What I need, what he used to do for his ex and how to communicate what will meet my love language.  It is not gifts for me, but something more than what he is giving.  I guess the effort is the concern.  IDK Rambling.  Insecurities of dating..........

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #151 on: May 01, 2017, 10:10:32 AM »
Thanks for sharing, tybec. Finances are a real thing and no, I don't think you're being juvenile at all. In the readings I've done, the one thing that has stood out is the notion that men tend to be a bit more concrete thinking than women. For a simple example, if you send a text but don't ask a question, you might not get a response because you've offered a statement that he might not read as needing an answer. Not to speak for your NG but maybe he doesn't spend like that now because 1) he looks back and sees the spending on the ex as something done in wasteful youth, 2) you don't come across as wanting any of that, 3) you don't seem to need him to spend as validation of how he feels about you. None of which are bad things.

Your comment about love language is perfect I think! How do you drop hints about maybe wanting a little pampering? It's not easy, especially if you aren't used to asking or talking about wanting things. I think I shared this story but it might be worth repeating here. Last year, NG and I got on a slightly competitive kick. It was silly things, like we awarded each other random 'points' for things. He posted something on social media about 'points for whoever knows XYZ'. I jumped on with a reply and he said I got it, to which I replied that I was drafting my list of desired prizes. That started it. By the time he was ready to travel for his job, I felt I had racked up quite a few points; when he said he had to drive through Tucson, I said he could feel free to bring me some Hopi jewelry :) I showed him the Hopi necklace I got a few years back when I was there. He did go through Tucson but bought a Zuni necklace and matching earrings in New Mexico. I didn't think he'd really bring anything but he did :)

Neither of us has a lot. His ex screwed him on their taxes and he's paying that back. The job has sometime lower hours. I am rebuilding my whole life after being widowed from a marriage to a retired musician who left here with no assets. Heck, I get excited when NG pays for dinner lol!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #152 on: May 01, 2017, 12:53:45 PM »
Thanks for the info. & support, Arneal.  That is so thoughtful he got you the necklace and earrings!  Sweet.

Yup, just paying for dinner is a great gift.  A bottle of wine even if we are just at his place watching a movie.  He walks with me anytime I ask, after dinner.  That is great!  I almost wish I didn't know about his gifts for his ex.  But sharing is learning.

I want the Emergency Contact. I want the person who will meet me at the doctor's office if I need support.  I want a warmed up soup if I feel sick.  I want to go watch and listen to live music somewhere, often free at a park.  I want someone who will offer to do a honey do that I can't manage myself, which seems to be getting more and more.  :(

I want a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store for 10 bucks for no reason at all.  I don't want all the expensive things, as I know they don't comfort you in the long run.  I want time as I know it is not guaranteed.  I guess it is all about more communication, time to build the relationship.  And maybe I won't ask so many questions!   :o

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #153 on: May 01, 2017, 05:04:07 PM »

I want the Emergency Contact. I want the person who will meet me at the doctor's office if I need support.  I want a warmed up soup if I feel sick.  I want to go watch and listen to live music somewhere, often free at a park.  I want someone who will offer to do a honey do that I can't manage myself, which seems to be getting more and more.  :(

I want a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store for 10 bucks for no reason at all.  I don't want all the expensive things, as I know they don't comfort you in the long run.  I want time as I know it is not guaranteed.  I guess it is all about more communication, time to build the relationship.  And maybe I won't ask so many questions!   :o

Yup, all of this. ^^^ Hit the nail on the head, tybec. 


Can you share this with him? 
« Last Edit: May 01, 2017, 05:12:05 PM by trying2breathe »
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

daysofelijah

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #154 on: May 01, 2017, 05:23:15 PM »
Divorce sure seems to leave people in the financial pit. That's where my NG is too. He also spent a lot of money, or maybe more turned a blind eye to her spending in order to keep the peace. We had a serious conversation yesterday about getting married and my concerns about his financial debt. I came right out and said what happens if you die in 10 years and I get left with all your debt? That question kind of took him aback, but that is my reality. I can't just blindly run into a life with him without plans to protect my financial future for me and for my kids.

I can see feeling a little bit of "resentment?" (maybe not the exact right word) for the way your NG used to buy stuff for his x, but maybe he wasn't even doing it to show he loved her, he was maybe just doing it to keep the peace and not out of love. That's how I look at NG's past.

It took NG forever to buy me flowers, over a year for sure, and I even got to the point where I asked for them and he balked at it saying he'd do it when he felt ready, not when he "had" to. I think he got "bullied" or guilted into buying stuff for the x, and didn't want that to be the case with us. Now he does it more often, but he is broke and I know he can't afford a lot. He tries hard in other ways though, fixes stuff for me at my house, loans me stuff from his work all the time (tables for garage sale, free rug doctor for the weekend, etc.). He has my move all set up with moving trailers and friends of his to help with the furniture, and is all excited planning projects to fix my new house up with me. It's learning his love language like you said. He helps, gives his time and uses the resources he has, and meets my needs that way.

I like to buy him stuff, his favorite mints or candy bars, pick him up a pair of jeans or a loaf of bread that he needs. He was uncomfortable with that at first, didn't like me buying him stuff. But he's learning that I like to do that for him, to show him I love him. It's working, but I had to re-evaluate what love means to me, he doesn't/can't show me love by buying me stuff.

Sorry I'm rambling, lol.
Amy, mom to four (15,13,10,6)

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #155 on: May 01, 2017, 11:37:33 PM »
daysofelijah -- you hit it with the divorce thing. I think people get tainted. It's not just divorce -- I was certainly tainted by my first marriage because of abuse. LH was tainted because of the financial thing and the way his ex treated him after they separated and divorced. NG is tainted because of feeling swindled by his ex, emotionally and financially. I was over there on Saturday and he mentioned that he got his stuff back from her; she was holding his personal items (I mean things as 'petty' as pillows and blankets ...) and finally gave them back. He had forgotten about all the stuff. His daughter got the items from her and told him that even at that moment, the ex was trying to get the daughter to side with her against her dad -- mind you, this woman is not his kid's mom! How do people even do that?!

Anyway, I don't push but hint from time to time. I make sure if we are going out that I have $$ and can offer to pick up the tab or just come outright and suggest that we do something and pay for it. At this age, I figure we need to split costs as neither of us has a real discretionary cash laying about. So far it's been good and when neither of us has it go out, one or the other of us has something to thaw and cook lol!

Like you, tybec, I'd like to have that feeling of support in more emotional yet tangible ways. I think often about emergency contact ... I don't have one. But the most personal 'favor' I've asked has been to drive me to the airport :) Let's see how things go when we've passed the one year mark at the end of May  ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Captains wife

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #156 on: May 02, 2017, 06:58:34 AM »
Agreed divorce leaves men/people is a bad place all around. I feel bad when I see men financially destroyed by their marriage - personally, I've always stood on my own two feet financially. It's very important to me. Daysofelijah- my late husband had a lot of debt when we married and that concerned me. But I didn't take on any of his debt when he passsed away as I kept our finances seperate including filing seperate taxes. Agreed - that support and affection can be shown in many other ways besides lavish/gifts and dinners. Honestly it's the thoughtful gestures that really matter. I am not big on splitting bills but I do pick up the dinner or outing tab on many occasions - feel it is the right thing to do as partners. I'm also mindful of how expensive divorce is!
« Last Edit: May 02, 2017, 08:05:24 AM by Captains wife »

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #157 on: May 06, 2017, 04:27:57 PM »
Captainswife -- you bring up a great point about splitting bills. NG and I have never done that. It's been he pays or I pay and we try to be balanced about it. We've been honest -- neither of us has been ashamed to say we don't have any $$. In those cases, we'll sit at his place or mine and watch movies and cook. It's real life, as it should be.

The first husband tainted me from intermingling funds and my second husband had the whole ex and child support thing when we got together. Even after that was resolved, he was fine with me putting the big items like the house and vehicles exclusively in my name. It certainly made things simple when he died because he basically had no assets to divide or squabble over. As a musician and with retired with health problems, there wasn't going to be much anyway. Only a few years did we file taxes together, which was actually for my benefit :) I appreciate him and the things he taught me in our 16 years together more than I could ever say.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #158 on: May 06, 2017, 04:38:19 PM »
Quick update :)

So I shared the quandary about asking NG to pick me up at the airport. It went well. He drove me there last Sunday and picked me up yesterday. This sort of piggy-backs on the $$ discussion; he shared that he to his surprise his check got garnished (short version: he knew the ex had done some shady stuff on his taxes and got a lawyer. He paid the lawyer and was under the impression that with the lawyer's assistance he would make payment arrangements so his check wouldn't get garnished. Something went awry and he's mad as a hornet -- gave a lot to the lawyer for what, so while he's working that out, he's short on cash) but asked if I wanted to stop and eat on the way from the airport. It was rush hour so getting off the road for a bit was a good idea. We stopped for burgers -- he paid. It was Cinqo de Mayo, so tequila was in order. He bought some. I offered to do dinner and a movie tonight if the contract payment I was expecting was in my waiting mail, which it was, so we'll do that tonight.

Long story short: I am glad I asked him to pick me up as it was nice to have somebody there. I appreciate that he would spend what he had, even with the difficulty.

How's everyone else doing out there in junior high land?  ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #159 on: May 06, 2017, 05:31:06 PM »
Getting real!  Put house on the market this week!  Telling people we are moving.  DS is emotional, up and down about moving.  Honestly, I am, too.  My home of 22 yrs, house of almost 17.  I am going to truly end my world of DH and me.  No one will know him where I am moving.  33 yrs. as  US.  So strange. 

AND, a friend of mine, a former youth pastor that worked with my DH is an ordained Southern Baptist minister.  I knew he was Baptist.  Well, he is no longer in a role of a minister, as no church would allow him due to his views with women and gays.  I attended his surprise 50th last year, and it was at his sister's home with her wife.  So, I just thought he would be open to marrying without the legal requirements.  AND HE IS!  I called him this week.  He loved my husband, and loves God, and struggled with so many things over the past few years since he left ministry.  But he heard my story, knows me and is willing.  How about that!  So, time will tell on this.

First, sell house, move and adapt to new town, figure out my new career choices, and then pursue us further.  A year sooner than we talked, so no hurry.  Just get there and play it out.  WOW!

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #160 on: May 07, 2017, 11:48:57 AM »
tybec -- your post just brought tears to me. I am over the moon happy for you. If I could have given your post 100 hearts I would have.

I was just on a post from a newbie here. She was asking about when is too soon to date. And then I come here and read your post. I just said goodbye to NG about 20 minutes ago as he left my house. The world is so different for all of us, isn't it? Moment by moment, the changes add up and we move forward down the path of time. I pray for joy, love, and happiness for us all ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #161 on: May 07, 2017, 01:05:28 PM »
Happy for you, tybec!  Here's to getting real  :D
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #162 on: May 07, 2017, 02:26:28 PM »
Hey guys and dolls -- advice needed!

So NG shared a story from his past in a moment of complete openness and vulnerability this morning. Something had happened that sparked the memory and I believe he needed validation. I replied in a way at the time that I felt was compassionate and empathetic, but am feeling now that I need to follow up at some point. If not today, maybe later in the week. I want to show support, to let him know that this is a safe space and that I hold what he says with respect and in confidence.

My question then is this: would saying something (even without mentioning the story) seem appropriate? I'm thinking a short text just to show I genuinely care about his overall well-being? I welcome your thoughts here.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Trying

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #163 on: May 08, 2017, 06:15:27 AM »
How about a simple text saying something like "trust and openness are such an important part of any relationship, I'm so glad I have found that with you".
You will forever be my always.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #164 on: May 08, 2017, 09:10:54 AM »
I like that, Trying. He seems to get sensitive about things of the heart being made verbal :) I think I can sneak it in somewhere along the way this week.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b