Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 17869 times)

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #375 on: September 30, 2017, 12:02:47 PM »
About money - NG and I split most everything 50/50, occasionally he'll pay for something like theater tix and then I'll do the same kind of thing another time.  I don't share anything financially with him but believe that I have a little more wiggle room with money than he does, so there are times that I don't expect to have him contribute.  He's never asked for a loan, for me this would bring about a conversation about living within a budget and what you can afford to do together.  Months ago I told NG that I didn't expect us to align with each other on all things, financial stuff is hard though and I believe something that needs straight communication.  Awkward to talk about, but like jgib mentions I can see where resentment can easily set in and I hope this doesn't happen for you.  NG and I are talking about going away for Thanksgiving, I'm interested to see what his expectations will be as far as splitting the costs.  Eight months into this relationship, and I feel like now it's getting into some real life stuff.


arneal  My son is a high functioning Aspie, he also has very little filter and there have been times when I wanted to dig a hole and jump in after some of the things that he has said!  If you've let NG know what to expect, I wouldn't sweat it.  I haven't seen the TV show you mention but plan to check it out - living with somebody on the autism spectrum is a challenge and for those that don't understand it, it's frustrating to try to explain.  I'm one to usually stay private, but that would be a time when I would open up and willingly share my experiences too.
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arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #376 on: September 30, 2017, 04:32:58 PM »
tybec -- yeah, LH and I came into our situation at pretty much the same point; I worked for the community college and was renting a 3-br apartment (one for me, one for my son, and one as a study for all my books) and he was renting a 3-br house and lived in the basement so he had a nice place for his daughter on the times he had her and for him and his dad. When I moved there as it was in the same town as the college, I stayed in the basement with him, his dad had the first floor br and my son and his daughter each had their own room on the top floor. The guy who rented it to him shafted him in the end so when it was time to move, I decided to try and buy. I got the house I wanted and we all moved there, except for his dad, who had died before all the drama with the rental agreement started. When we moved west for my university position, LH was already retired due to his health and we leased a house until I found out how much a house that size costs out here (it was in the $500k range ... nope, we moved immediately). I bought the house I am in now. Each time, even after we were married, he told me to just go ahead and put it in my name. We never had much more than what it took to feed us and the pets and take care of the bills, so living on the edge is where I've been for a while. Now that I am a multi-institution adjunct faculty member, I hustle as much as I can to do what I want. Not easy, but for now, it works. I just have me and my pets to care for.

klim -- you aren't alone on the communication bit. NG and I don't really have deep conversations about money. The who's gonna pay thing comes up as it does and if one of us doesn't have, we say so and make different plans. trying, like you mentioned, NG said he and his ex-wife split everything 50/50; he would ask her for her half of the rent and that sort of thing. That to me is weird because LH and I were more organic; he would ask me how much I needed to pay the bills and sometime I would just say 'all of it' and we'd laugh because either he or I had bought something we really didn't need LOL. I think because NG and his ex had such a distant relationship from the beginning they did it like that. If we were to get to such a point and he moved here into my house, I wouldn't want to share an account and wouldn't expect to sit down and split everything in half. Dunno, just not my way. I'd expect a decent chunk to be able to buy more food and pay higher utilities, but beyond that -- saying of course that my income were to stay the same or increase -- I would be a bit more chill about it.

Thanks, trying -- NG knows that my son is on the spectrum and from his past experiences he sounds like he is prepared. We'll see!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #377 on: September 30, 2017, 10:35:51 PM »
good luck with NG and your son tomorrow !
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arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #378 on: October 02, 2017, 12:36:13 PM »
Thanks, klim -- it was good and not so good in my estimation. So there's the communication bit that we've been talking about here ... Saturday evening, NG texts me about planning for the meet up; he has been doing a lot of driving for work and was pretty tired and suggested that either I come there and we leave from his place or I come get him in the morning. I ask about the house rule and parking, since he'd been using his extra parking pass for his work truck. He answered that the truck was in the garage so I could use the parking pass and that the biggest issue was not having two bathrooms before; since the new place has two bathrooms, the house rule no longer applies. I laughed to myself about that and told him I'd come over. Just before I left home, I got a text from my son's house mom, suggesting we postpone because my son had not had the best day. I told her I was hoping we could go with it because 1) we postponed before and 2) both NG and I had rearranged our schedules for this weekend. She agreed.

NG and I had a quiet evening and made it to the place to meet my son. I was very nervous but the introductions went well and we left to go to brunch. I had picked this little Caribbean place and they both enjoyed the meal. My son said he had permission from his house mom to go pick up something from the store, so we did that before going back to meet her. The conversations were pleasant and he didn't ask too many questions. At one point while we were waiting for our meal, he looks at me and says he has a picture of his dad (my LH) up in his room, that he missed him, and wished he had been a better son. I told him that none of that mattered because he loved Dad and Dad loved him. My son then says he is grateful to have a second chance and would do better. Mind you, when we were about to be seated, he had asked where I wanted to sit and pulled the chair out for me. He then proceeded to try and tell NG where to sit and we made a joke of it, that he was 'directing traffic'. The waiter laughed too and my son said that he was just trying to be nice to 'his parents'. He referred to us as 'his parents' again when he blessed the table before we ate. I refused to look at NG -- how mortified was I, right?

So we finish up and head back to meet my son's house mom. She thanked NG for taking good care of me, said that we were cute together. However, as it turned out, my son had not been truthful about having permission to make a purchase at the store. She called him out on it and we discussed it right then and there. NG stayed out of it and before we all parted ways, it seemed that things were okay. My son shook NGs hand again and hugged me, we laughed a bit, and then we left. On my way to drop NG off, I get a call. I see it's my son's house mom so I pick up the phone to find out he really acted out on her. I don't usually drive and talk on the phone and am glad I didn't have it on speaker or anything. Just from my side of the conversation, NG could tell I was upset. He didn't say anything but just rubbed my arm.

When I got home, I texted him to thank him for the day and to say I was sorry it got a bit ugly toward the end. He texted me back this morning that he thought it was a nice visit and mentioned an adage about 'praise in public, punish in private' -- he agreed that punishment of some sort was in order but that it probably should not have been a discussion there since it was in front of him, the first time my son was meeting him. I get it -- he has shared that his mom had no problems shaming him in public when he was young. I wrote back that it's sort of a hit or miss because my son is quick to recognize when someone else is in the wrong and has expressed that the person should not act that way. His house mom and I have taken the same tactic with him, that if he acts up in public the discussion about it happens in public. No yelling or that sort of thing but a clear explanation of what the problem is, what his part in it was, and why it was a problem to begin with. This was one of those times that it just did not go very well. I know NGs text this morning was sent probably during a break at work so I don't expect to get an answer any time soon. I wrote a social media post last night about wanting to be a better mom and a blog post this morning about being a better parent. Gonna just lay low for a bit and lick my wounds ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #379 on: October 02, 2017, 06:18:02 PM »
Sounds all good to me, my sons could cause more problems then that and their not on any spectrum. Your son sounds like he was cordial and perhaps  a bit misguided in the parent comment but close enough ( did the waiter really need to know it was his mom and her new partner , that just gets complicated, I think he just simplified  it.

 As far as the sneaky shopping issue, you handled it there and then because that's what needed done. The punish in private comment, does not really fit here as it's not like you were just dropping NG off and heading back and could talk to your son. It's not something that could be put on the shelf till later . It transpired between your son , his house mother and you. You  were all together it needed dealt with. I'm sure he can understand that. I don't think any of this sounds like bad parenting, so I'm a little confused why you feel wounded.... anyways hope you feel all is good again soon.
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arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #380 on: October 02, 2017, 06:24:15 PM »
Thanks, klim. I think it was just that high expectation I put on the meeting. I was nervous as it's such a hard thing. My son wasn't too crazy about LH when they first met because it had been just him and me; he didn't remember his birth father but eventually came to see LH as Dad, which was a good thing. I was hoping he wouldn't ask too many questions and he didn't. I was just sad that the parting was not as positive as the rest of the afternoon had been.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #381 on: October 04, 2017, 04:29:39 PM »
arneal   Sounds like your Sunday went well, and that NG was caring and understanding.  Parenting isn't easy even under the best of circumstances, things seem to have gone pretty well all things considered.  You prepared for a long time for this meeting, undoubtedly there were high expectations and some stress that went into it.
One of the things that I admire most about my NG is that he is a devoted parent to his daughters, and lately I've bent his ear on several issues with my kids.  He's been a wonderful sounding board and it's been good to share things with him not all of it positive.  Warts and all - our new mantra - with relationships come real life issues and lately I've been putting more of it out there to him and so far so good.
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arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #382 on: October 04, 2017, 06:17:14 PM »
Thank you trying2. NG was very understanding. He's working long weeks and I appreciate that he took time out of Sunday, which is usually his day to just veg at home, to go with me and that he said it was nice to meet my son. I am wondering if he'll bring up the whole 'my parents' thing at some point  :o
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #383 on: October 05, 2017, 11:39:57 AM »
Arneal, I think your weekend went well too. 

My oldest son has always been challenging and NG has pointed out that maybe he has some autism issues as well. It is challenging. 

Just wanted everyone to know that NG did the shopping and didn't ask me for any money.  After work, we are off to his hunting camp for a long weekend together.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #384 on: October 05, 2017, 12:11:21 PM »
Thanks, Needy and I hope you have a wonderful weekend of camping!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #385 on: October 09, 2017, 11:14:47 AM »
Happy Monday (and Happy Thanksgiving for those in Canada!): ever have one of those weekends where you're just cranky? That was mine. I was excited because the delivery of my 2 in 1 tablet PC was slated for Saturday (yep, I am a tech nerd ... love new toys ;D) but thought to reach out to NG to see if he wanted to do anything. He messaged back that he was tired from the week, which based on our conversations last weekend had been slated to be brutal as they were under a deadline to get a big job finished. He suggested Sunday instead. I replied sure, let me know, etc. and went on with my day. Sunday comes along and nothing. No 'hey, still not up for going out', no 'gonna stay in and do laundry', nothing. I enjoyed my Sunday but it made me think about our discussions here on communication ... I sent a text a little while ago though to say that I missed having the chance to wish him a good week in person.

I think I mentioned one of my son's friends, the young woman who calls me (more than my son does LOL) and for whom I am like a surrogate mom -- she's been living in a group home for more than 10 years and has no  one to talk to her about life it seems, so she calls me. I've talked to her over the last month or so about things my own mom never talked to me about :o Anyway, she called yesterday while I was in that sort of funky mood; we talked about decision-making. I told her there comes a time when she has to decide for herself what it is she will deal with and what she won't when it comes to her friends (everyone in her circle has special needs like her and she struggles to figure out who she should include as a friend).

It again made me circle back to our discussion about communication. When do we tell the new folks in our life precisely what we expect? How do we have those conversations? Here is where my own lack of good communication comes in. There was no meeting in the middle in the first marriage -- his way or nothing. Life was sort of organic in my second marriage and it wasn't until far into LH's illness that I had a pointed outburst of sorts when I felt like he didn't care about my feelings (in that case, the doctors had said he could not have one drop of alcohol because of the interaction with the medication they put him on after he came out of ICU ... he drank anyway and I was frightened). I want to be in a place where I don't open my mouth and sound like I expect things to go my way all the time. I guess trying to figure out more organic two-way conversations in this area is my difficulty.

This thing with NG isn't like that experience with LH, but I often struggle in the communication department ... sigh. A big part of my angst is about how we left last weekend after seeing my son. I am grateful for tybec's post on another thread ... it is what it is, no matter how I think about it. I am working on living in that space. In the past, people have struggled to understand how I engage with my son so I guess some things don't change and I need to accept that. I am hoping this whole thing is just me, in one of those over-thinking moments.

Thanks for 'listening', friends. Am grateful for each of you.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #386 on: October 10, 2017, 08:05:22 AM »
It again made me circle back to our discussion about communication. When do we tell the new folks in our life precisely what we expect? How do we have those conversations? Here is where my own lack of good communication comes in. There was no meeting in the middle in the first marriage -- his way or nothing. Life was sort of organic in my second marriage and it wasn't until far into LH's illness that I had a pointed outburst of sorts when I felt like he didn't care about my feelings (in that case, the doctors had said he could not have one drop of alcohol because of the interaction with the medication they put him on after he came out of ICU ... he drank anyway and I was frightened). I want to be in a place where I don't open my mouth and sound like I expect things to go my way all the time. I guess trying to figure out more organic two-way conversations in this area is my difficulty.


Good question - I'm trying to address things as they come up, if it's something that bothers me I speak up about it.  There have been some awkward moments but so far things have been sorted and we move on.  Everybody has different expectations and standards, it's a give and take on both sides.  I don't think that letting NG know how you feel and what you'd like is putting out an expectation that things go your way all of the time, just that you have standards and are seeing if you can co-exist happily together.  I don't know that I would let NG know "precisely" what you expect - give it a little wiggle room and maybe you can come to a happy compromise?
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arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #387 on: October 10, 2017, 08:46:38 AM »
Thanks, trying2. I think it's always a bit more difficult when you aren't sharing space with the other person. We have excellent communication when we are together, face to face; it's the in-between that is weird for me when it's by text. I suspect it's the writer in me, looking for more context than what is actually there. I am working on that 'it is what it is' frame of mind that I mentioned from tybec. It is slow learning for me  :-[

As an aside, he did reply to my text. As I took time yesterday evening to (over)process, I believe it's about comfort level. He is very comfortable with me, trusts me, and sees me as an independent person. I basically do what I want, when I want. I joke that my dogs and I are an unruly pack but at the same time I can be very focused. I suppose he likes that contradiction.

Midlife attraction problems. So junior high ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #388 on: October 12, 2017, 08:22:45 AM »
I find that there can be a lot lost in texting vs. RL communication.  I sometimes misinterpret his texts or the timing of them, creating something in my head when something else was intended entirely.  It seemed easier back in the day when all we had was telephone or face to face contact. Or letter writing!  I have a collection of written notes from LH, do those even exist anymore?  lol
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Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #389 on: October 12, 2017, 11:09:47 AM »
Communication..... I really need to work on that. I have had so many issues with not being a good communicator, even with DH I just couldn't voice my words because I was so afraid of hurting him which actually caused a lot of pain and suffering on my end. 

NG loves to talk but sometimes I don't think he remembers what he said, I know it just could be a guy thing but it is frustrating but I have no idea how to bring it up.