Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 20327 times)

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #420 on: November 08, 2017, 01:08:44 PM »
Happy birthday to you both, Needy and trying!

Funny, the first marriage was neglectful in all ways, abusive. The first husband didn't give of himself, other than to remind me how much I didn't live up to what he wanted. My second marriage was loving and thrifty; my LH couldn't give much in gifts but he gave of himself fully and taught me how important it is to do that, over and above the 'stuff'. NG has very good taste and is quite giving. We don't talk emotionally but I feel it. I am not so good at talking the emotional stuff and try to show how I feel. Working on it; I've got a plan for what I'd like to say and hope it doesn't come out too mushy  :-[
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Trying

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #421 on: November 08, 2017, 03:00:20 PM »
My first husband was big on gifts but short on emotions and affection.  At some point pretty early on in my relationship with my now DH2 I became pretty honest about what did me did not work in my marriage.  I wanted him to understand that my lack of self esteem was in part due to my first husband's lack of desire for intimacy during the second half of our marriage.  He never told me I was pretty or made me feel desirable.  He never just bought me flowers for no reason or swept me in his arms for a passionate kiss.  His Expensive gifts felt empty.

As a result of my honesty my current husband makes a point to voice compliments not just assume they are understood.  He makes me feel beautiful and desirable.  He has even a few times bought me flowers for no reason.  When I say that Imwould rather spend time together doing something special than receive a gift he knows I mean it.

My advice is to be honest about what you need from a relationship.  If being spoiled a little with a gift matters because in the past you were hurt by never being treated special then let him know.  Gifts don't need to be expensive to be thoughtful.  Maybe it's too late for this birthday or feels awkward because of how you already responded but at some point you should have this conversation.  Most men want a road map on how to make their woman feel loved and appreciated. 
You will forever be my always.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #422 on: November 08, 2017, 04:35:26 PM »
Well-said, Trying. And it goes both ways, but I think in some cases, it is important to be perceptive to what the person we are with likes. I've asked NG a few times what he would like for different occasions and more often than not he'll shrug or leave it to me. I think in his case, his ex's never did anything for him so whatever it is, he is happy with. I try to remember the foods he likes or dislikes while still being creative in the kitchen. I asked him what he'd like for Christmas and while he told me, the specifics of the item he left for me. It's the saying how I feel more so than showing it that I am working on ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Trying

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #423 on: November 08, 2017, 04:44:49 PM »
It definitely goes both ways. DH2 told me early on that his ex didn’t care about traditions and would give him money for birthdays (he was the bread winner).  I happen to love holiday and birthday traditions so that is easy and I do at least a small wrapped gift even if the main gift is a sporting event or concert tickets. Our first dating Christmas I put socks and underwear in a stocking and he was very touched saying no one but his mother ever gave him socks and underwear. It’s the little things.
You will forever be my always.

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #424 on: November 08, 2017, 06:24:09 PM »
ok guys I'm having a hard time right now  :o

So just going to share and be heard because really I don't have anyone I can share this with.

NG and I have a really good time together. We hang out, we go out...it's good. I can get really relaxed and really love him........

but then there are times when he does something and I say to myself I can't handle this part of him.

so then i wait and see if that feeling disipates and it does.


Examples : At thanksgiving( Canadian) I hosted a big family dinner and had invited him, he showed up fairly late I don't think he even was sorry . When I asked him about it, he dismissed my concerns. I know now where he was and to me it seems he didn't realize that it was important to me. I didn't appreciate that.

i always find that if there is a concern it comes up when we are in public. It's like he has a different persona when we are out and about. Going to be a novice phsychologist here and say that he is fighting with self confidence and tends to blow his own horn when in the presence of others. I like him better when he is just hanging with me and I don't know if I can do anything to curb his  gloating habits when he is out and about ( or whether I should)

last point I want to get off my chest is I struggle with balance. I've mentioned before he is needy in the time sense but lately that has eased a little and that's why things have felt better.

Now  this week he has had to go to court because his ex won't talk to him to hammer out an agreement.( She wouldn't even try , just went straight to court). I know it's an emotional time because he wanted to do it without the court. I want to be there for him but I also have a son who struggles with depression that I keep a close eye on even though he is away at university. My son contacted me to say he was coming home this weekend,  that he needed to get home.My read on this is that he is not in the best frame of mind. So now I have BF that needs me and A son I think needs me. For me my son comes first.....but I'm trying to find a balance. NG is not highly understanding....

it would be easier if  everything was perfect.....cause now I'm always debating whether it's good enough.....cuz parts of it are good.

 Cheers my freinds just needed to debrief. Thanks for listening







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arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #425 on: November 08, 2017, 07:42:44 PM »
Thank you for sharing, klim. Sounds like you have your hands full. Your description sounds like your NG might have some social anxiety. If it was a self image thing, he'd probably blow himself up a bit even when you all are in private. If he has a reaction to needing to focus on your son instead of on him, that could be a pinch of narcissism.

My alarms start going off in these situations because of my own past with an abusive first marriage, plus my master's is in counseling so I tend to analyze quite a bit (as if you all couldn't tell  ;D ). If he dismisses your upset, that's an indication you all need to sit down talk. If he doesn't think showing up on time to your family event is important, indication #2. If he acts in a way that is markedly different in public than he does in private, indication #3. If he pouts because you don't put him first in all things but will put his own needs first over yours (as in he will fidget about needing to go to court but won't allow you the space to care for your son), indication #4.

These are major signs it's time for a Come to Jesus conversation: you are not neglecting him or his needs when you need to focus on your son; you are not trying to change him by providing concrete examples of his acting differently in public than in private; you are not trying to dictate his schedule when you ask him to be part of a holiday with family; and you are not trying to tell him how to feel when you express that something he did upset you. If he doesn't like that you have identified these things, you may need to give it all some additional thought. I would suggest perhaps having the conversation as casually as possible in a public place, like a coffeeshop or if you all are out to dinner. I say that to avoid possible outbursts in private, but that's just me talking from my experiences again ...

It may be insecurity or it may be more. Better to find out now and suss it out.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #426 on: November 09, 2017, 07:15:01 AM »
NG and I have a really good time together. We hang out, we go out...it's good. I can get really relaxed and really love him........

but then there are times when he does something and I say to myself I can't handle this part of him.

so then i wait and see if that feeling disipates and it does

What you can't handle about him now - what will this be like in a year?  In five years?  It's a red flag when he dismisses your concerns.  Agree with arneal, have those conversations and suss it out - better to find out now.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Needytoo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #427 on: November 09, 2017, 11:50:00 AM »
Last night NG was supposed to go out with the boys to the rifle range. We have talked how it is so important to keep your friends and have hobbies.  He changed his mind and spent the night with me.  This man is so present in the relationship that it blows my mind.  I honestly don't need "gifts" he is my gift.  I just need to check my feelings when he talks about his EX. 

I am not sure what advice I can give you Kilm.  My late husband was such a loner.  NG is very outgoing but also says he not a fan of crowds.  I have a few friends that are always late for things and it drives me nuts. I am a person that is always way too early for things (swear I have wasted 1/4 of my life being too early), we are sometimes just different.  If you look at different cultures they are so much different than the Northern American way and much more forgiving when it comes to time.  (my international students are always late for class, drives me insane but this is acceptable behavior in India & China?? ) 

I have seen so many people change their personality in large crowds, that darn ego gets in their way. I would say I would think the same as you on that.

The Needy part, now that one is hard.  Most of us have a bit of blending in our relationships. We want a partner that is there for us but what the heck do we do when we have to attend to other things but our new relationship also needs us.  That question I have no idea how to answer. 

Captains wife

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #428 on: November 10, 2017, 08:49:47 AM »
Klim - that's the tough part...when some parts are good but others aren't. Personally I get very upset when an event is important to me and the person I'm dating blows me off. I was dating a guy last summer who stood me and my son up on July 4th and then when we invited him and his kids to our local yacht club family event. It was very important on both those occasions to me that my son and I not be alone. I broke it off shortly thereafter- that was a key reason although admittedly other issues were there and I didn't like him well enough to work it out. The social thing for your NG is probably something that can be worked on from his side - at least he seems to recognize the issue? Time will likely tell if you want to deal with that. In terms of the custody issues, it's too bad that is happening to NG but honestly that's his past and he needs to deal with it. You have a lot on your plate with your son and need support too! He should understand this - and in my opinion, yes support him but you can't be expected to drop everything and be dragged through his messy ex issues. (Sorry part of me is just tired of dealing with divorce related issues - just a personal bias!) You seem to really like this guy so talking to him outright plus time would likely help here.  Wishing you all the best and hope you have a good visit with your son.

Mrs Reader

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #429 on: November 10, 2017, 03:15:08 PM »
Klim, I am having same doubts. The guy I met when I wasn’t even a full year out, turned out to be quite ok and I have been dating him for what, five months already  :o
He is totally different from my DH, but has interesting new qualities and I do like him. However, god help him if he does a mistake! I don`t argue, I just withdraw and I start to doubt and plan my good bye speech. And this goes on in my head until we meet again and everything turns out ok and I go back to liking him again. He is good at apologizing and discussing, and apparently I like him enough to work things out. But still, it is exhausting to prepare to leave him regularly.
My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws? Why is he under my microscope all the time? Because I am secretly comparing him to DH even if I pretend I am not? Or because I am expecting everything to be perfect because I deserve it? Or because I am oversensitive to setbacks because of widowhood? Or maybe he just isn`t the right guy? How do I know when I don`t?

serpico

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #430 on: November 10, 2017, 03:31:13 PM »
My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws?

In a nutshell, and not in reference to your situation specifically, this is it. And then when their 'flaws' are noted on a board like this they are immediately picked apart as 'red flags'.

I sometimes wonder if a dating widower listed all of their deceased spouse's faults on a dating and instead attributed them to a fictional new interest, how many would be cited as non-negotiable reasons to end things...
'I think I got some of your pickle'

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #431 on: November 10, 2017, 04:49:04 PM »
Quote
He is totally different from my DH, but has interesting new qualities and I do like him. However, god help him if he does a mistake! I don`t argue, I just withdraw and I start to doubt and plan my good bye speech. And this goes on in my head until we meet again and everything turns out ok and I go back to liking him again. He is good at apologizing and discussing, and apparently I like him enough to work things out. But still, it is exhausting to prepare to leave him regularly.
My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws? Why is he under my microscope all the time? Because I am secretly comparing him to DH even if I pretend I am not? Or because I am expecting everything to be perfect because I deserve it? Or because I am oversensitive to setbacks because of widowhood? Or maybe he just isn't the right guy? How do I know when I don`t?

OH MY!  You nailed  so many of my thoughts/feelings!  I am so glad I am not the only one.  It is so emotional.  I feel so moody and out of sorts about NG, having these kind of thoughts.  And he dated a lot and seems to get my back and forth thoughts.  But it is tiresome to him some, too.  I feel ridiculous at times, like  a teenager with all these thoughts, over thinking.  I want to KNOW it will work, which is all about my need for control, and I can't have it.  My self analysis anyway.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #432 on: November 10, 2017, 08:17:20 PM »
tybec and Mrs Reader -- you bring up an interesting point here about comparisons. I think it may be natural to refer to what we know, which is not necessarily a bad thing. How can we know what we will or will not accept without having something to relate an experience to? However, the problem comes when we cannot find a place of compromise. We all have faults, defects, shortcomings, so do we expect our NGs to be some form of perfect while we are who we are?

The thing about 'knowing' is interesting as well. I've read several newsletters (one just yesterday) about how to know if this guy is 'the one' ... interestingly, the last point on the list was 'you just know'. Thanks -- that really helps  ::) The point that all the articles make about it is, a person is 'the one' when you all have the conversation and declare yourselves a couple. Until that point, you aren't a couple. Period. Yet even with a decision to be a couple does not guarantee that he or she is 'the one'. That's not something anyone can tell, unless they have a crystal ball  ;)

tybec -- your comment about feeling like a teenager made me smile because my pretend little brother and I talk all the time about how dating is so junior high. So true.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #433 on: November 13, 2017, 08:31:49 PM »
Happy Monday all -- hope everyone had a nice weekend? Warning -- Junior high moment ahead ...

I managed to get NG to my friend for a two-hour massage. I had to laugh because he texted me early Saturday morning about when I'd be done with my things to figure out our time together. I had my volunteer at 8 am then off to the archery range at 10, so I was expecting to be home by 11:30; he said he'd get to my place by about 1-ish, which I took to mean between 1-1:30. However, he rode up at about 12:45. I was just finished tidying and was surprised that he was early  :o We sat around and chatted for a bit and then headed out. I had a meal already prepped so when we got back I finished cooking and he had two helpings, so I guess I did good  ;D We chatted yesterday morning and I texted him some info that I thought might be helpful (a tech thing I was familiar with) and he texted me back with a thanks and a kiss emoji. Needless to say, I was thrilled. Junior high indeed.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Mrs Reader

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #434 on: November 14, 2017, 03:51:42 AM »
Arneal, how nice... that sounds so cozy and easy  :)
I have started to wonder... maybe I am not ready to date after all. Every minor setback or misunderstanding with him sends me back to the deep end of grief. It is unfair to him, I realize that. I can`t expect things to be too smooth betweed two people trying to find out about each other. But I stupidly do!
Maybe I should take a timeout and try again in like hundred years, then I might be more balanced. Sigh.