Author Topic: For those in budding relationships ...  (Read 28443 times)

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #465 on: December 10, 2017, 09:43:34 PM »







 virgo, I'm perhaps overly patient but if you have a good time with this guy I would see if this overwhelmed stage fades as he adjusts to the dating mode.
Meanwhile on my homefront.....
My sons were born on Dec 10 and Dec 12th, so it was their Birthday weekend. They are both away at University but I went and collected them so we could have a family dinner. I had told NG that I was going to be doing birthday with my boys ,sort of gave him a warning because he is ( as mentioned previously) a little clingy and "the weekends are our time"
On friday older son told me his girlfriend wanted to join in for the dinner,so I said cool and  then decided if that was he case, I would ask NG to join as well.
He got them both gifts and we had a nice dinner out all together.
The real interesting part of the weekend was Sat night after we got back home sfter the dinner . Sons were both home, Sons girlfriend stayed over and I decided NG could stay too. it was very weird. There were 5 people staying over .....usually I'm by myself.In the morning everyone was milling around , getting coffee and tea. it was just strange. It felt awkward and yet verging on Ok. I'm trying not to overthink things and just let things happen but some times that is difficult.

ps I was feeling pretty good about NG this week as I crashed my car last sunday,(brakes on the highway appear very suddenly .....my reaction time not so good) I was totally ok  my car not so much. Anyways he came and rescued me and has lent me a car for the time being.....See he may be clingy but his heart is in a good place

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #466 on: December 11, 2017, 08:48:04 PM »
Hey Virgo -- that's a tough situation all round. Rooting for you {{{hugs}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

StillWidowed

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #467 on: December 12, 2017, 01:03:36 PM »
Oh boy....I may get some flack for this but here goes.  I don't have nearly as much patience as many of you on here.  I know when a guy is into me and when he isn't.  No more listening to excuses or lies.  No more having my words or needs twisted and made to make me feel guilty for wanting what I deserve.  No more wondering if I'm going to see him or not on the weekend.   When I dated the douchebag, I was still very vulnerable.  I let him jack me around way too long.  Lesson learned and lots of healing later, fuck that.  I'm ready for a mutually fulfilling relationship filled with love, respect, trust, and care.  And if that doesn't come along, then I'm going to enjoy life anyway!  A man won't dictate whether or not my life is full or happy.  I will determine that.

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #468 on: December 12, 2017, 01:47:35 PM »
Well-said, SW and I fully concur. I was talking to my (adopted because we are close like that) sister last night; she met her husband online and it took three years for them to get to a place where they were ready to talk about marriage. It settled me to hear that because they are a great couple and it made me think about how different it is to build relationship via technology. I live in a very large area -- in Southern California, living close to someone means they are within an hour's drive sometimes LOL. It is not what I am used to; I saw the first husband every day before we connected. I worked with LH every day before we got close to one another. This thing with NG is worth it to me so I am willing to figure out the ways to connect.

One interesting way that we have developed a new connection just this weekend is through online gaming. He started playing a multiplayer game on his tablet and got me curious; I asked a few questions and this past weekend he explained a good bit of it to me when I was at his place. I commented that it would give me a good excuse for reimaging one of my computers to play it on there instead of on a phone or tablet; I think he thought I was probably just talking. I sent him a photo yesterday of my game play on the computer. He texted last night and was so impressed by how far I'd leveled up ;D This morning I see he had invited me to be part of his group of players, even though I'd only been involved in the community one day. It will give us something to do, even when we can't be face to face. Silly maybe, but just right for two nerds  :P ;D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Virgo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #469 on: December 12, 2017, 05:30:10 PM »
If the feelings are mutual, the effort is equal. That's why I decided not to contact my guy. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. I just wondered if it was because of his recent breakup, but either way he's obviously not wanting to see me. I already have plans for this weekend. :)
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Virgo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #470 on: December 12, 2017, 05:40:05 PM »
Well...right after I posted my response he texted me. We'll see what happens.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #471 on: December 12, 2017, 06:18:18 PM »
What a roller coaster, eh Virgo? I try not to reach out but end up doing so. I think in my NGs case he feels back when he can't come to me. I don't care about that. Interesting though that we are now connected in this virtual world -- he had no problem calling me sweetie in the public chat as our avatars ran around in separate areas, questing LOL!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #472 on: December 13, 2017, 09:55:17 AM »
I agree also with SW's response, I try to live a full life and don't rely on happiness solely from a love interest.  virgo - sounds like you're doing your thing and that's great!

klim   Sorry to hear about your accident, and hope you're feeling okay.  Love that NG came through for you in your time of need  :)  his heart certainly is in a good place!

arneal   How fun to be gaming with NG!  Makes for a whole new dimension in getting to know him!

Things here are good - I finally admitted last week to NG that he was my boyfriend, we've had conversations about this since spring when he asked me to be his girlfriend.  Funny that he says now the label isn't so important, he wanted to be exclusive which we've been for the last six months or so.  Not sure why the words boyfriend/girlfriend were hard to say for me, it does seem juvenile at our ages to be calling ourselves this.  The sentiment is good though, and I'm not freaking out about the newly determined status - somehow it's elevated the relationship just a bit although nothing else has changed.

I'm happy to have my kids coming soon for the holidays, they'll be here for almost 3 weeks.  NG's daughters are arriving too, and because the kids will be here NG and I will be backing off from our regular routine and not spending as much time together.  I've not met his girls yet, he's met my kids just once.  At some point we hope to introduce the kids, should be interesting  ;D
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Virgo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #473 on: December 13, 2017, 12:55:34 PM »
Arneal...gaming with your NG should be fun! My over thinking causes the roller coaster. I was confident in my relationship with Phil. We were solid, stable. I miss that stability. I just need to remember I had 22 years to build that. Just take one day at a time.

T2B- It is funny to have labels at this age. I still refer to my guy as...the guy I'm seeing.

I'm going to share a little about myself since we're all talking about kids and Christmas. It made me wonder about ages and the different challenges, perspectives. I'm 42. I have three daughters, 18, almost 16, and 10. My 15yo's birthday is the 29th. My NG is also 42, never married, no kids. He has met my girls. He helped with our Halloween party, and then we spent a Sunday afternoon at his house. My oldest and youngest enjoyed spending time with him. My middle daughter doesn't like the idea of me dating at all. Well except for one particular guy, family friend. We've had several conversations about that and me dating in general. I always tell her that her feelings are valid, as are mine. I give her different perspectives. She has come a long way since I first started dating. I'm not pushing her to spend time with him, just exposing her in very small amounts. Dating with kids is tough.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #474 on: December 13, 2017, 01:48:23 PM »
Thanks for sharing, Virgo -- I am 48, one son (22) with special needs, been married twice and widowed twice. I married men older than me; I was 30 when the first husband died at 42, 46 when the second husband died at 62. It's been a need for intellectual stimulation that made me look to those older than me; I had not met anyone my age (except once when I was about 19 and he was around 22 or so ... a 'one who got away' story there!) back then. NG however is 53 so we have more life things in common which makes it nice too. He has two daughters in their 20s; he has been estranged from the older of the two because of issues with his ex and he and his younger daughter share an apartment. I've met her and her boyfriend and NG has met my son.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #475 on: December 13, 2017, 09:31:20 PM »
I'm 55 , my sons are 19 and 21 and go away to Uni but still basically live here. So when they are away I have the house to myself and then when they're home we share the space.....and yes my interactions with NG change depending on whose home. Younger son struggles with anxiety and depression , so I'm  especially sensitive to his moods.

I'm dating a younger  man ( he's 53 )lol....he has 5 kids from his 30 year marriage ranging from 16 to 27. None of them live with him.

And yes I believe where we are in life and who we have to look after or deal with totally figures in to how we move forward...as does our personalities.

Virgo

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #476 on: December 14, 2017, 06:33:31 AM »
Thanks for sharing Arneal and Klim.

Of course my NG acted as though nothing had changed. His absence was from illness and stress. He came over the night we talked to get my snowblower running and clear my driveway. Very thoughtful. I didn't realize the reason I had avoided using my snowblower until that moment. Phil was the last to use it, and because of his cancer he could barely push it. It was painful to watch him struggle physically and mentally with a basic task that he had always done. It's interesting to me how small things get tucked away and prevent me from doing certain tasks because of it. Anyway, I'm still not going to plan dates with my NG. I'm letting him initiate. He asked to see me last night, but I already had plans. I volunteered for the local Shop with a Cop. Not my LH's police department, but our local PD. NG mentioned seeing me during his lunch today, so hopefully we'll be able to. 
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #477 on: December 14, 2017, 10:24:48 AM »
I hear that, Virgo. I remember when LH first got sick and couldn't mow the lawn anymore. It became my son's and my job. LH hated to see us out there so we would try to do it when he went to the store or was still in bed (as if the sound didn't alert him to what we were up to). The house we moved to after that just had a little patch in front that could be done with a weed wacker, which he did with joy. The house I bought after that had a pretty good sized front and back (the back stopped growing grass after our first dog ate the irrigation back there) so we got someone to do it for us. Not too long before LH died, the guy who was doing it finked out; I think he started only taking contracts from the wealthier households near the country club. Plus his own dad had been ill. However, he drove me bananas because he wouldn't communicate to us what was happening. Just disappeared. I think we owed him a little money too but even though I tried calling after LH died, he never called me back. I have a new person now; he and his wife work together to do the yard. They clean up the back after the dogs for a bit extra as well, which is certainly a savings for me physically. Hated that job lol.

Being on this game with NG is funny. Now we are 'talking' every day. I had posted something on social media about hunting gargoyles and he posted back, I guess during his lunch, to say that the game is addictive; I replied that I was having trouble with one particular component and he wrote back that he would help when he got home from work. However, one of the other members we are connected to in the game was online and helped me. When NG got online, he posted in the member game chat that he was home but I had to let him know I'd gotten it sussed out with help from the other member. He played a part of the game with me as well. Cracked me up but it's cool to have a common way to connect more often during the week  :D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #478 on: December 14, 2017, 01:30:33 PM »
StillWidowed,

I read your post and that is what I don't know.  NG is amazing with me.  But when we are apart, it is not good for me. 

Christmas is here.  He gets his kids this weekend.  Invited me and son to go with him to his father's for the weekend, but I am going out of town Friday and will be back LATE.  And we need to be back Sunday for my son's Christmas party at youth, important for making new friends since we moved 4 1/2 months ago.  WE could go but I would be messing up his schedule time.  And my son doesn't really want to. They are pure country testosterone males, and they are going shooting and off roading.  WE have been twice and shot  clay pigeons, rifles, handguns and then dove hunting.  My son is not into it at all, nor is my family of males (3 brothers).  I declined to go.

We haven't had a date in two weeks, then. Short lunch or dinner plans and home.  And with his kids home for a week, I won't have any adult time, either.  3 weeks. I live in the same town, and it is worse now!  His mother comes in Sunday night and will be here a week. We will get together, but I don't expect much, honestly.

I just don't know.  He is still sacred with his time.  He avoided bringing his kids over Sunday to play with my son on video games because he wanted to spend time with them.  So, integrating our families is not happening.  His kids asked to come over and he told them he wanted to be with them, not watch them play games with my kid.  I would think he would be happy they enjoy spending time with my son and have a common interest. 

Time.  Precious commodity.  I know, WE all know here.  But then his time with his kids is a precious commodity.  Hypocritical of me to be out of joint because he has been choosing not to see me to have his time with his kids?  He goes to every practice, soccer, swim, any school event, is the pack leader of his boy scouts, attends his church, etc.  So, with two kids, he is locking up almost every night.  Am I petty?  OR {gulp} is he just not that into me?  Am I lacking understanding or compassion?  Or, I need more and it won't work now.  Timing?  I have my son all the time, of course. 

OH, my....

arneal

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Re: For those in budding relationships ...
« Reply #479 on: December 14, 2017, 02:34:26 PM »
So sorry, tybec. NG and I had a conversation early on about narcissism. He mentioned that he came from a very narcissistic family and some years ago, a friend (girlfriend maybe?) pointed out how narcissistic he was. It made him become very introspective and careful. I wonder if those traits ever fully disappear or if they morph into something less personally toxic like being selfish with time. Maybe we all can take a lesson from Virgo and let our NGs come to us while we do our thing. Since you and your son don't have the desire to hunt and all that like your NG and his sons do, is there anything you all can do in common that you all enjoy? If so, maybe it is something to suggest? Otherwise, maybe going on and doing things for you and your son will leave your NG the space to decide what it is he plans to do, or at least to be open to a deeper conversation. Maybe when you have a moment alone and away from others you can say something like, 'Hey, did you realize it's been three weeks since we were alone together -- what should we do about that?'
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b