Author Topic: Kids and NG  (Read 696 times)

imissdow

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Kids and NG
« on: January 25, 2017, 05:45:25 AM »
My middle DD has never been a fan of me dating. After the last few failed attempts I had decided I would wait until she left for college to make anymore attempts at meeting someone. She is a senior so should head off in Augest . I had given myself a deadline of Jan 1 and was planning on hiding my accounts online.  So a guy contacts me I say what the heck and meet him, a month later were dating.  All of my kids were gone and he was over at my house for the first time.  Fixed a light in my youngest DDs room for me.  The girls came home from their event about 30 minutes earlier then normal and met NG.  Not exactly as I had planned but everyone of them knew I was seeing him well they were gone. The oldest and youngest were ok with this the middle one was clearly unhappy. Oddly enough she was also the one who had been asking when she was going to meet him.
So NG heads home shortly there after and middle DD and I have a chat. I needled her a little because she just really doesn't want to tell me what's up.  So I give her a few options as to why she might not like me dating. Come to find out she thinks I'm cheating on LH. Tells me she found a verse in the bible that says I'm not allowed to date. When I ask her to show it to me she can't produce it and instead I show her a couple of verses that tell me it's fine for me to date and maybe even get remarried.  We talked about judging people, talked about how much she hates it when she is judged. Talked about my promise that I was not going to change our living situation or even agree to it before she is off to college. Told her she doesn't get to pick who I date any more then I get to pick whom she will date.
I would do like for her to be open about my dating and maybe even remarrying .  NG and I are in no great hurry, we have talked about what type of relationship we both want down the road. Were on the same page but that's about were it all ends, neither of us is ready for more. I relize I don't need her permission or approval for any of this. I also know she can be a real witch about things. It would be easier and much less stressful if she would accept it. I'm hoping as she gets to know him she will be better about it. Most of the time I wish my oldest was more drive and focused like her sister. In this case I'm wishing middle DD was more like the other 2. My oldest and I have talked about the fact that none of them were pleased with the last guy I dated. However she said,"I figured you would see it if you had more time, and that's exactly what happened" I don't really expect any of you to have a solution for me. NG and I have talked about it and we're going to slowly plan so family type stuff to do together so everyone can get to know each other.  I'll need to give middle DD plenty of warning so she isn't surprised.
I know a lot of people think you shouldn't introduce a guy to your kids untill you know it's serious. I can't say I disagree with this idea however with the strong personalities in my house and the fact that the last guy had huge issues with how I was raising my girls. If it's not going to work I would rather know that upfront. I also think theirs a huge difference in meeting vs building a relationship with. My girls are older, little kids are a different matter. No one thinks twice about introducing their kids to their friends, not sure why it becomes such a issue when you start dating.

Mrskro

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Re: Kids and NG
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2017, 06:19:13 AM »
imissdow;

I'm not dating so I don't have any advice per se, but I am definitely your cheerleader.  I think you handled it very well!  No we don't need our kids permission for anything, but realistically our decisions affect their lives too and it would be nice to have everyone on the same page.   

As for introducing a guy to your kids, there is no rules.   I'm of the opinion there is nothing wrong with it.  We can't actually date in a vacuum, the kids and NG;s will eventually have to meet and I agree if it's going to be an oil and water situation, sooner is better.   


Portside

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Re: Kids and NG
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2017, 10:54:19 AM »
No one thinks twice about introducing their kids to their friends, not sure why it becomes such a issue when you start dating.

It's because the kids (and you do too if you are honest with yourself) think friends and boy/girlfriends are different. We all run the risk of appearing a tramp (women) or a player (men) if there are too many guys/gals involved.

The sticky part of this is no one knows what the magic number of guys/gals is where you become, in your kid's minds, a tramp or player.

So, 20 women being introduced to my boys may have put me into the doghouse. I don't know - I took the easy way out and limited it to one - a woman whom with I formed an serious relationship.

As always, your mileage may vary.

Good luck - Mike

 
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

imissdow

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Re: Kids and NG
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2017, 01:05:10 PM »
Portside, you have a knack for saying it like it is. Typically I would agree with your assessment and I need to remember that kids are more black and white in their thinking.  I think kids can sense/figure out what type of relationship platonic/sexual, boyfriend/girlfriend you have without you telling them. I think that also plays a part in how soon you go from ok to player/tramp.  I know my oldest and youngest don't remotely consider me either of those things in part because no one made it past a kiss. In a perfect world yes my girls would only meet the guy I end up having a long term permeant relationship with.  The reality is regardless of if I wanted them to meet some of the guys I dated they did because we are in similar social circles, they would have or did meet prior to me dating them. My house hardly has a revolving door for men. However maybe I should talk to her about this. She has told me before that she doesn't want to see me get hurt again, in her words"Dowie death almost killed you mom" not hardly but it sure did seem that way at the time.  So maybe she doesn't see it as worth the risk. I however do.


klim

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Re: Kids and NG
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2017, 08:05:45 AM »
I wish you luck....My sons who were 17 and 19 for my first round of post widow dating and 19 and 21 now as I try again have no big interest in getting to know "my guy". I'm ok with that but they do not say I shouldn't be dating they just don't want to be involved.

 Maybe your middle daughter is more like that, maybe she doesn't want you dating because she doesn't want to have to interact with him....
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