8 Months. Really?

[beth_krkswidow]

8 Months today.  I can't believe it.  I remember at my first Grief Group meeting, there was a guy whose wife had died a year earlier.  I remember looking at him and thinking, "A YEAR?!"  How the heck can you survive a YEAR?  And now I am at 8 months.  Survived 8 months.  One more day, one more milestone, without him.  My Honey, I miss you so much. 

[Adley]

That's right. Incredibly, unbelievably, you are surviving. Keep counting those milestones! I still count them, but the early ones were remarkable. Like getting to the top of the first mountain on a long journey. And you see more mountains, of course. But now you know its doable. I had to take breaks and look at the overwhelming view. Its scary, but you have made it this far. Way to go!

[beth_krkswidow]

Thank you Adley.  I went to visit his grave today.  But today I also visited the grave of the fiancé of a girl I met in Grief Group.  He died on Christmas Day.  So today is her 1 month.  I remember one month so very well.  Again,  Thank you.

[kp2004]

My 8-month mark was the day after yours. I felt the same way. I can't believe it's been 8 months without the love of my life. It hurts so much everyday, but as you said you're surviving. Hugs to you.

[Julester3]

The amazing thing is you are surviving. Hugs!

[beth_krkswidow]

Oh, kp, I'm so5sorry. Sorry we're on the same time line.  Sorry we're all here. Here, on Valentine's Day.  We never really did much in VD but still..

[Mrs Reader]

I am also at eight months about now. I have read that many of you said it gets worse at this time, but this much worse, really?!
Today I had a total crazywoman episode while alone at the house. I managed to shake some ash out of the urn today while holding it against me as if it was him, actually put some of it in my mouth, cried and screamed and finally spread the ash out of the window. And cried some more. Like I have gone mad!
I have to get the urn buried soon, I guess it is not helping to keep it here at home. I even took pictures of us together, me and the urn.
 What is this?! Month earlier I was ok, honestly, I had fun, I could think of him without falling apart, I could do anything. And now this. Eating ash???

[beth_krkswidow]

Not crazy.  Widowed.  We are in an altered state.  Irrevocably and permanently.  Sending you warm hugs.  Don't know how we'll get through.  But knowing others are eating ash, physically or metaphorically, somehow is ... better than not knowing that. 

[Mrs Reader]

Thanks beth, I hope eating a bit of ash helps to get through this. At least I am carrying him with me now literally 
Like Jackie O, we can be graceful examples publicly, if that's the meaning of this. And act out a little bit at home.

[MR]

I am not 8 months out but keep happening to me. Especially I am ok whole day and suddenly reading one of the messages here brings back the memory and start crying so it is pretty normal for us.

[beth_krkswidow]

I just can't take this.  I do not want to be here.  I absolutely do not want to be here.  I want My Honey back.  I want to be with him and I can't take this. 

[Mrs Reader]

Beth, I know. Me neither. Going crazy actually helped, I feel better today. Maybe just letting it out one way or the other helps. Being brave all the time doesn't. Everybody here says it will get better. I am just hopeful It won't get any worse, that would be nice.
Hugs to you!

[beth_krkswidow]

Thanks, Mrs. HUgs to you too

[geminigirl]

I'm almost at 9 months and sometimes I don't know how I'm still standing but somehow we all are. Maybe it's wrong but I'm actually relieved to know that I'm not the only one that does weird stuff.

Here's my strange ashes story, I used to just take the bag out of the urn and look at them but about two months ago I felt the urge to open the bag and investigate. Why, I have no idea. I actually scooped some ashes and bones out with a spoon and put them on a paper plate and sifted through them like some kind of mad archeologist. I was sobbing like a lunatic touching all of these bone fragments and I just couldn't believe that these little bits and pieces were what was left of the man I love. Maybe it's weird but I needed to touch them.

Anyway, I eventually put everything back in the bag except one tiny bone that I've been carrying around in my wallet since. I know it's crazy but it's my husband and I don't care.

See you're ok Beth, I'm walking around with a piece of bone in my purse. We're all a little slightly crazy now. ((Hugs)) to you.

[Mrs Reader]

Geminigirl, I would have done exactly same thing if I could have opened the urn properly. All I managed to get out from a crack was some sandlike dust. I so much wanted to have contact with him again that touching his ashes felt necessary. I think there is something very primitive about it. If a relationship is very physical, why would't greaving. I would definately carry a bone in my wallet if I had one.
Thanks for telling this.