Author Topic: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...  (Read 1057 times)

still_lost

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I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« on: February 07, 2017, 10:25:59 PM »
I don't want this to sound bad, but I honestly don't think I'm ready to deal with bf's children. He has four, but only his 15 year old son lives with him. We had an issue this evening when my 8 year old asked the 15 year old to turn on the tv. We had just come in from a game, and I wanted to talk to bf in the kitchen. I told my son to ask his son to turn on the TV for him. They have a firestick, we don't, so it's difficult to navigate. So my son comes back into the kitchen and tells me that he said no, and could I ask him to do it. I turn to his son and ask why he didn't turn the TV on, and he said he didn't feel like it. I look to bf, and he can see the irritation on my face. So it's time for us to leave after 30 minutes or so, and bf walks us out. I told him that I did not appreciate his son being disrespectful to me, he said he will deal with him, ok. Then he says that he has an issue with my son coming to ask me after his son had already told him no. People are going to tell him no in life, so he can't just go to someone else when he doesn't get what he wants. This situation was totally different, and I told him that. He felt like I didn't want to accept his criticism and that was not the case.

So I guess I can see that certain things are going to be an issue for me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive about some things because it is a huge adjustment for me. I've never been with a man with younger children, and it's not always easy for me to see someone else reprimanding my child. I can accept where I'm wrong, and I correct him when necessary. I've met all of his children, but during holidays and summers are when the other three are with him. I don't think I'm ready for all of this. I've raised my son alone for the past seven years, and it's been difficult enough. Tonight just allowed me to see that it may be too much.

azjane

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2017, 10:29:37 PM »
Between this and your other post I'd say NEXT!

Adley

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2017, 11:14:49 PM »
I'm really sorry. I never imagined how hard it would be to blend a family of young children and teenagers, it could only work if both parents are on the same page. It's not fair. When we were all young and in love, we got to pick the page with our spouses. Now, right or wrong, our minds are mostly made up. And whoever we might try to date has likely made theirs up, too. And the dating/interview process really takes the magic out of it for me, but at the same time you don't want to get involved with someone who is way incompatible in important areas. Just be careful, no matter how well you get along, if daily life becomes a battle, it is no fun.
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

Mrskro

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2017, 06:53:06 AM »
Yeah the "I didn't feel like it" thing would have drove me insane.   And BF finds that acceptable?   Yes kids need to understand no, reasonable no's.   That was not one of them.  I'm frankly a little shocked that he didn't see that his kid was just being a jerk.   

It would be one thing if he was babysitting your son and told him No to something and your son turned around and called you to ask you.   

Now my 14 year old son is a jerk at times to his sister.   For example, he'll be in the kitchen getting a glass of water.  DD "can you get me one too?"   DS "NO"  Me " BOY!"  brings her the water.

We hosted a superbowl party Sunday 3 other families, kids ranging from 6 - 17.   DS was amazing with the little kids.   He's their go to guy when they are here.   "B can you..." almost non stop.  He fulfilled every request without a complaint.  He explained to them about a 1/2 hour before kickoff that he would get them anything they need and during the game he was out.

But then there's his sister, during halftime we brought out sweet treats which the darling boy appeared to be guarding with his life.  Sister asks can you pass me one?  and the standard NO.  Someone else asks him, sure.    I'm pretty sure I could see the steam rising from her head.   He did give her the treat, but he knows I'd kill him.   

I'm sorry this is so tough on you.   But my honest reaction would be to get out now.  I'm sorry.

Captains wife

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2017, 06:53:24 AM »
I'm sorry - that would irritate me too. The no would be one thing if his son didn't know how to use the tv or if you didn't want him to have screen time - but in this case your bfs son "didn't feel like it" so your son asked  you. Your son was allowed to watch tv so asking a second person when your bfs son is too lazy is fine and your bfs comments were out of line. Blending families is not about taking sides with ones own children all the time - but co-parenting in a mutually agreeable manner. Your bf needs to stick up for you and your son if his son is being disrespectful, which it sounds like he was. In my years of dating I have come to realize that many divorced parents can be like this (very one sided about their kids) so it's worth having a frank conversation with your bf as I can understand why you don't want to deal with this. Try and explain to him if the situation was reversed that you would have recognized your son was being disrespectful. I am in a relationship with an older divorced man with a young child - I can already see the divorce guilt in his parenting. I get along well with his son but there was one time his son was quite rude to me (admittedly he was also tired at the time). The divorce is new so I am understanding of the difficulty in the adjustments in his son's life but i also laid down the foundations of what I expect when we spend more time together as a blended family - and a key point was to be in the same page, discuss situations and not just side with our own children but look at the situation for what it is and that we have to stick up for each LH other should our kids be disrespectful to one of us. He agreed and seemed onboard but I can imagine situations are going to arise. None of this is easy so wishing you all the best.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2017, 06:56:00 AM by Captains wife »

Sugarbell

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2017, 07:23:25 AM »
Between this and your other post I'd say NEXT!

I am not on here that much anymore...are you guys living together?--Is this your house or his or did you buy a place/rent a place together?

B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Bunny

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2017, 08:48:47 AM »
. I told him that I did not appreciate his son being disrespectful to me, he said he will deal with him, ok. Then he says that he has an issue with my son coming to ask me after his son had already told him no. People are going to tell him no in life, so he can't just go to someone else when he doesn't get what he wants. This situation was totally different, and I told him that. He felt like I didn't want to accept his criticism and that was not the case.

Yeah, I bet he'll deal with it. Sorry, I guess I'm just cynical that your bf will ever be capable of being a united front With You in regards to the children. He tells you you are sensitive to criticism, but how is he? Does he accept constructive criticism about his own children or parenting style? From the little you've shared it seems he's more about explaining why your thinking is wrong and you need to learn a thing or two from him and his son.

While I agree in theory we should always be open to learning new things or ways of thinking, it's gotta be a two-way street; otherwise, it's just a lecture. And how fun is that? Is your bf like this in all aspects or just parenting? Maybe being a single parent has him more sensitive on the subject- as well as you, perhaps? I imagine after doing it alone for so long it can feel uncomfortable for you give up any control.

As for your son coming to you when his son said no...It seems your bf views this as 'tattling', but what about the advice of successive people to 'never take no for an answer'? It's true that Life is full on No's, but is one supposed to just always accept that answer each and every time? Isn't Life about learning when to gracefully accept No and when to push the envelope? I think dealing with an obnoxious 15 year old is a good enough time to push back.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Mizpah

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2017, 08:55:32 AM »
Red.  Flag. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

wecouldbeheros

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2017, 09:00:34 AM »
I would not be in this relationship longer than it takes to shut the door.

Forgottenwife

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2017, 10:03:19 AM »
Between this and your other post I'd say NEXT!

I agree. Please consider the long term affect this can have on your child. He's only 8. Someone told me once that my kids were spoiled and they needed to learn how the world works and blah blah blah, I dumped him that day. Done.

Best of luck in dealing with this.

still_lost

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2017, 10:34:04 AM »
No, we do not live together. We see each other 3-4 times a week, so our boys see each other then. He is typically only like this when it comes to parenting. I can also understand that divorce can be tough on kids, but that's no excuse for being a jerk. If the roles were reversed, I would've made my son go turn on the TV for him, especially since two adults were talking in the kitchen. I would've explained to him later how he was being disrespectful, and reminded him that I do not tolerate any form of it. Bf seems bent on trying to correct my son for things that he overlooks with his own child. The other day, my son left a small cup on an end table. He asked him to put it in the sink, ok. He told me that leaving cups around is an issue for him, and my son shouldn't have to be told to put it away. Yet, his son has old dishes under his bed, and clothes thrown all over his room?? Are you crazy? Now that in MY house is not acceptable and my son knows better. A few days later his son left a cup on the floor in the living room, and he had to remind him at 15 to put it in the sink, so it's very hypocritcal. I'm just not up for the battles, and I had to be in the situation to realize it.

Abitlost

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2017, 10:45:06 AM »
SL,

I'm not going to comment on this incident in particular. What I will say is it sounds like resentment is forming as a result of the "us vs. you" competition.

My ex-BF was very competitive about our kids even though I never showed up to the games. He let up after I made an ultimatum over it, but I still have major regrets that I allowed someone into my life that felt it was okay to treat my kids that way. I used to think it was a divorced-parent thing, but now recognize it was a character flaw of ex-BF.

My wonderful NG does not possess an inkling of that undesirable trait. :)

abl
« Last Edit: February 08, 2017, 10:47:13 AM by Abitlost »

Sugarbell

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2017, 01:42:06 PM »
Ugh Hell No! I mean if this is how he is acting and you are just dating, not living together...it would be much worse once you were together 24/7.

I mean if he takes you on great dates, great sex...leave kids out of it..Fine..I would "date" him if I liked him...But leave the kids out of it.. It sounds like you guys are already playing house with the kids along..and 15 year old is acting like "step brother" (but being an asshole)

This would be a recipe for disaster down the road. Unless you both are willing to put the time, commitment and compromises (and possibly parenting/couples counseling together)--For me...I would say "Don't let the door hit you on the ass"-Recoup my losses, pick myself up and  move on.

B.W.H. 9/24/2007

wecouldbeheros

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2017, 02:40:17 PM »
Doesn't sound like you're having fun.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2017, 04:27:26 AM by wecouldbeheros »

momtokam

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Re: I don't know if I'm ready to deal...
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2017, 06:34:14 PM »
I personally would not put up with any of this

We deserve more.