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Marrying a widower is tough...

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serpico: least, according to my new wife, and I can't disagree  She has turned to the Interwebz for comfort and found a blog she really likes called Jess Plus the Mess.  Jess is a widow who married a widower, so it's not exactly like my situation (my wife is divorced and her ex is still very much alive), but it's close enough for my wife to take some comfort.

Here is one of the first posts she showed me:

When we married, my wife and her kids gave up their home, school, (small) city, and many friends to come live in the country with me and my three kids, so I try to be sensitive to her about all of the changes.  I figure if she can find some solace with others who have faced the challenge of marrying a widower, I'm all for it.

Does anyone else deal with the struggles a new spouse (or significant other) has with our widow status?

Wow, I don't like the tone of the author in that article at all. She seems pretty rude to the deceased wife, but I guess she is venting. And if your wife finds commiseration in it that's good you encourage her in that outlet.

I think since my marriage was troubled almost since the beginning, it's easier for NG. He doesn't have me clinging to memories of happier times with my DH. And also I do not live near where DH and I lived so there aren't constant reminders. But I still see insecurities in NG sometimes when he asked more personal questions about my relationship with DH.

There are other hard things though, like, I have four kids and I NEVER get a break to go on an overnight or such. There's no every other weekend break for me like many single/divorced moms get. I know that's a struggle for both of us.

I wonder how it will change when/if NG and I marry. I think the hardest will be for my older kids, to accept NG as a stepdad. Not that they don't like him, just a big role for him to step in to.

I hope things get easier for your new wife. Communication is so important.

My (widower) boyfriend has no problem with my status.  But I have big problems with his, or rather how he has handled it, or handled me, or handled us.  I left my whole life, job (I'm still working, but my old job was way more exciting), friends, city (for the country), peace (for pets and his young son who is... challenging at best), etc.  To live in the house he shared with his late fiancee and her children, and raise our child together.  It has been HARD.  Hard.  Very very hard. 

(Added: we're not married)

P.S. I read the post after I responded.  I didn't find it offensive like DOE.  I found it comforting and refreshingly honest, and also slightly tragic for me and the blogger.  Many late spouses become perfect upon their death.  A new person coming into that situation will often feel they cannot measure up.  I know that I have felt that way, sometimes because I've been made to feel that way by circumstances or other people or even my boyfriend (though he claims he never has or would or intended to).  There are lower times when I have been obsessed by her, where I imagine their life together as this perfect thing that he would choose in a millisecond and get rid of me.  This woman I can never ever live up to.  I do often feel as though I live in her shadow.  I live in her space, and imagine what it was with her in it.  Thank Gd for therapy. 

I don't have experience as a widow with this, but I do have experience as a step kid.  My mom passed when I was a teen and my dad remarried.   

I can see what the author is saying, I have relatives that still refer to my step mother as "that women".  They were married 23 years.  At my father's funeral people complained that there weren't enough pictures of "his wife" my mother in the video.   She passed away in the 90's it's not like there were a lot of pictures any way.   I've often thought about how difficult people made my step mom's life with in sensitive comments about my mom.   

My dad made things harder, I think, he moved them into a house my mom had built, not thinking about how hard that would be on everyone, my siblings and I, to watch a new women in our mother's house, her and her kids, moving into another women's house.  Hell he was buried next to her.   

One thing they did was make new friends together, it helped to have people that were theirs alone.  If that makes sense.

I wish you luck blending, I know its hard.

I take issue with this statement:
"If it wouldn’t be appropriate to say in a divorce situation, it’s probably not appropriate to say in a late spouse situation either." 

The two are not the same. At all. The comparison is not apt.

I am sure it is very difficult to be with a widow(er). Honestly, I'm not sure I could do it. My BF has bent over backwards in being understanding and has constantly told me not to censor myself. He has integrated himself into Dan's family events. I have tried to check in with him regularly because I think it's reasonable for his feelings about it to change. Recently he vocalized some issues he's had to me, and they caught off guard a little. H e is a very good person, and I don't think he wants his feelings to impede my grief. But they matter as much as anything, and after a good long talk about it, we resolved a few of his concerns. But I told him that I did not expect his feelings to stay the same, that as our feelings deepen for someone, that impacts how we feel about certain things. So it's a continual conversation.

What seems lost of the author of the piece and probably a lot of people who are with widows is how obligated we feel to keep our late spouses present in the public consciousness. To ensure that they are not forgotten. The new partner is here, but who will speak for our late spouses? 


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