Mcdc, I'm so sorry. As I read your words, I had remembrances from 5-5 1/2 years ago. You say you don't care about politics, and I remember how I stopped watching the news when DH died and I never had any clue what was going on and I felt a keen awareness of how little it truly mattered what went on in the broader world. (Osama bin Laden was killed the weekend DH died, and I didn't even know for weeks.)
For me, the full first two years were very, very hard. Though, for me, it never ever felt as bad as those first few days/weeks, I do distinctly remember the feeling the day after the end of the first year. It was a deeper sadness than I'd been in, because not only was nothing different, but I also felt exiled from grieving.
In the beginning (I barely remember the first 5 months), I hated how time took me further from him, took him further from existence/reality. I monitored myself pretty closely, the waves of feelings - do I feel a little better? Do I feel worse? Am I ok? Am I crazy?
Does it get better? My opinion: yes. Yes, very much so, but very very gradually and over a long period of time. (And as a mom to a 2 1/2 year old, I know that always having to be "on" and always having to put others first, to be a servant of sorts, to never have time alone, not to be able to indulge your own needs or feelings, it is extremely hard all on its own even without grieving.)
In April, it'll be 6 years for me. At two years, I started to feel alive again. It had been coming and growing for months by then. I was still very upset at times though. I don't know when that stopped. But I know that now, I'm ok. Pretty fully ok.
I think one of the worst things we widows can do in the beginning is look for a big grand "graduation" of sorts - finding a big inspiration, a big "reason for living," and big new 5-year-plan, a big better feeling. For me, it was about the little things. Finding joy in simple pleasures again, slowly, random ones at random, unexpected moments. Being interested in reading again. Finding other people's (more minor) problems worthy of concern and sympathy. Wanting things for my future, even if I didn't know what. Starting not to shudder when people touched me (in the beginning, each touch upset me because I wanted him to have been the last to touch me), and then eventually, missing and craving romantic/sexual/physical contact.
In the beginning, I found it best to just engage in simple, healthy habits and not think too much about the future or goals, thought mostly about him and loss and grief - really delved into it mentally and emotionally. Just keep going. One day it won't feel so hard.
