Author Topic: Falling in Love with My Friend  (Read 966 times)


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Falling in Love with My Friend
« on: February 25, 2017, 10:00:21 AM »
Okay, I haven't posted here before.  I've been lurking and reading but not officially signing up and posting anything. However, I've been struggling lately and I don't know where to turn. I can't talk to family and I'm afraid to bare my soul to my friends.

My DH passed 3 yrs ago. I met a fellow wid who has become a good friend. We talk often and when we're together, it's comfortable. We're very good friends. But I have slowly found myself falling for him. On one hand, the "good" news is that I've learned I can open my heart to another when previously I thought that would be impossible. The "bad" thing is that he only sees me as a friend (has said so).

I'm just having a hard time accepting this. I keep reminding myself to enjoy and appreciate our friendship but I keep hoping deep down he'll change his mind. So, my question is...should I simply cut my losses. I know it's not healthy for me to continue to "want" him but I can't fathom him not being in my life and being friends.

I know this is not healthy for me. I'm just not sure what to do and I've never had to navigate these waters before. Any advice?


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Re: Falling in Love with My Friend
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2017, 11:59:48 AM »
Welcome, Blueheart. The first crush in widowhood can be confusing. For me, it was difficult to accept that I was able to have romantic feelings for someone other than DH, and then I was not able to easily let that go. But, the feelings have to be a) mutual, b) healthy, and c) sustainable. What your widower friend has shown you is that you are capable of having romantic feelings and interested in finding another partner. Your energy could be better spent finding someone who reciprocates what you desire rather than trying to get this friend to change his mind; that rarely works out to anyone’s benefit. You don't have to cut him out of your life; I imagine that once you start seeing other men, your feelings for this friend will shift, and it will be a comfortable friendship for both of you.



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Re: Falling in Love with My Friend
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2017, 01:43:14 PM »
Hi, blueheart,

Sometimes, I think we bond with people who really understand us because of our common experiences.  I know several widows and widowers who ended up falling in love with each other...and some that ended up in really awkward situations.  Being widowed and sharing that common experience isn't enough to make a relationship work, though.  Apparently, your widower friend has developed a fondness for you but it is platonic.  That has to hurt...your feelings not being reciprocated, but he has told you his truth.

I have a good handful of widower friends that mean a lot to me...but our relationships have always been platonic.  I don't see that changing, for any of them or me.  Try to enjoy the friendship...and look elsewhere for a romantic connection.  I don't know if I would shut out someone who has been a good friend.  Only you can know for yourself.


Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness


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Re: Falling in Love with My Friend
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2017, 06:54:41 PM »
Abitlost and Wheeler's Wife,
Thank you for your response and advise. It has helped me have direction and to see things more clearly.