Author Topic: Did your spouse talk about you dating?  (Read 2313 times)

Bunny

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Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« on: March 03, 2017, 11:47:09 AM »
Just read this lovely essay- written by a dying wife (and famous author), for her husband's future dating profile. funny, beautiful, heartbreaking. It's nice she's thinking ahead and telling him it's okay to fall in love again.

I never had that talk with my husband. Hell, we could barely acknowledge he was dying, despite all evidence screaming in that direction. But in healthier times, we did both say we would never fall in love again if something happened to one of us.

 i remember talking to his best friend around the one year anniversary, about which friend of ours I would have wanted to comfort my husband had the roles been reversed. I wasn't ready at that point to think about being with someone myself, but I knew I wouldn't have wanted him to be alone, I realized I'd been thinking about it all wrong. Not that being alone isn't okay, but that not being alone is okay also.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/03/style/modern-love-you-may-want-to-marry-my-husband.html?smid=fb-share&_r=1
« Last Edit: March 03, 2017, 11:50:00 AM by Bunny »
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

MR

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2017, 12:12:12 PM »
Nice article but life always doesn't give you chance to do this kind of stuff.

bdean38

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2017, 12:18:02 PM »
Wow, that's beautiful!

TooSoon

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2017, 12:18:42 PM »
THat's so sweet; thanks for posting it.  It made me smile. 

RyanAmysMom

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2017, 05:56:27 PM »
This may sound odd, but my husband and I never talked about it - but he knew that I would eventually start dating again.  When we got married, we both knew we'd not live our full lives together - he had a heart/lung condition that we knew would take him young - He was 44 when he passed -
We never talked about it because he couldn't bear the thought - and I never told him whether I would.....  But in my heart, I have always known that I would want and would seek a second relationship..... 

Julester3

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2017, 07:35:09 PM »
We did talk about dying and stuff only ever once when we were deciding about life insurance when the girls were little still. I told him I wouldn't mind if he looked for someone if I were to die first. Josh needed taking care of and I couldn't imagine him alone. It broke my heart. When he asked me what I would do if he died first, I told him without hesitation that I only believed God made one person for us and it was him. I know he didn't want me to be alone either but I struggle because of what I believe in. So if I am ever brave to try, I know he'd be okay with it. I have to come to terms with myself.

wecouldbeheros

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2017, 08:31:37 PM »
It is strange that when we become complacent, something detrimental happens. I once was told that.
I think it's something only a widow or widower understands.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2017, 08:39:32 PM by wecouldbeheros »

klim

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2017, 09:50:49 PM »
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly ...no time to converse.
But I have a few indicators of what he would have said about me dating. 

His sister was widowed 15 years earlier and he never understood why she remained on her own...even tried to set her up.

My mother was widowed at the age of 78 and he commented on the fact he thought it was good that she kept her looks up and thought it would be "cute if she found a new man"

The only other thing I know is my priority has to be our kids....and then I should choose well for myself......and I do bolster my confidence by remembering how much he loved me. ( I even choose specific pieces of jewelry for  dates ....a certain necklace that he bought me and a bracelet that was definitely an expression of love)


Jess

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2017, 10:13:46 AM »
My husband died suddenly as well so we'd never talked about it. There was no point as we were happy together and we're going to grow old together. I kept coming back to something he would say all the time: "I just want you to be happy." I decided I didn't think death would change one of his fundamental desires for me. Being happy wouldn't necessarily mean he wanted me to find someone, but it meant I need to make decisions and choices that were towards the goal of being happy. I do my best to do that.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

twin_mom

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2017, 07:33:16 PM »
We did talk about it.... We had lots of time to talk about my future without him, unfortunately in some respects.... But that's another conversation.

He knew that I would "hermit"-his word, not mine- for awhile but that there was a 50/50 chance I'd recouple. I think he would be surprised that I didn't hermit longer.

RobFTC

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2017, 10:00:42 PM »
My wife arranged to send me a letter a month after she died, to thank me and to say goodbye.  It blew me away.  It touched on this, with these words:

"I love you.  I will always love you.  I hope you will grieve and then move on to find a new life partner."

So I have always felt like I had explicit permission to date.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

Missmybecky

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #11 on: March 10, 2017, 12:53:26 PM »
My wife arranged to send me a letter a month after she died, to thank me and to say goodbye.  It blew me away.  It touched on this, with these words:

"I love you.  I will always love you.  I hope you will grieve and then move on to find a new life partner."

So I have always felt like I had explicit permission to date.

Take care,
Rob T

That is aweome! My DW would never speak about her impending death. I have searched the house looking for something that she may have left, but after 4 years I think that is unlikely. I figure a lot of people on here never even got the chance to say goodbye, so I don't feel bad about that.

Bunny

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2017, 04:35:16 PM »
So young...my heart aches for her husband, now at the very beginning of this widowed journey...

RIP

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/03/13/520021848/author-modern-love-essayist-amy-krouse-rosenthal-dies-at-51
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Bear Shannon

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #13 on: April 24, 2017, 09:52:11 PM »
Did your spouse talk about you dating?

Nope
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

Love2fish

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Re: Did your spouse talk about you dating?
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2017, 11:29:26 PM »
We talked about it as a hypothetical years before.  We were always on the same page about such things so I had no doubts about how she would want me to live my life.

Her two best friends looked out for me the first few months and I talked to them about my dating.  They both said that I would have her blessing.