Author Topic: Fighting a panic attack  (Read 1232 times)

Trying

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Fighting a panic attack
« on: March 03, 2017, 12:02:33 PM »
I'm sitting in the waiting room while fiancé has a colonoscopy, same waiting room I sat in every year when DH had his annual colonoscopy and where he had multiple procedures when he was dying from cancer.  Different doctor but from the same practice and I saw DH's doctor's name on the board for who is here today.

I'm fighting a major panic attack as the memories are flooding in.  It doesn't help that fiancé is a horrible patient and has been snapping at me since he started his "prep" yesterday.  I've worked hard to keep my anxiety from him but now that they took him I'm about to fall apart.  This really sucks!
You will forever be my always.

TooSoon

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2017, 12:20:27 PM »
Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.  I still sort of shudder every time I drive past the hospital building where he died in hospice.  Some things can't be unseen.  Hoping for you that time passes quickly.  Breathe!  xoxo

Bunny

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2017, 12:56:05 PM »
I hate driving by the various hospitals we visited,  I can't imagine having to step inside one of them!
Yes, deep cleansing breaths...
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Trying

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2017, 07:30:37 PM »
Thanks for understanding.  It really was a crappy day.  I have always been a natural caregiver but for some reason everything I said or did in the past 2 days has annoyed fiancé to point he really isn't speaking to me.  The way I walked, talked, sat, didn't talk, any offers of comfort were wrong.  I know he is a terrible patient but not being able to help him and feeling like I made the whole experience worse has really upset me.  All I can think is that if he ever gets sick like DH I don't know what we will do.  It was hard enough to go through that with someone who appreciated me and who I felt I was providing comfort to. 
You will forever be my always.

wecouldbeheros

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2017, 08:27:45 PM »
Why is he snapping at you, he should be grateful you are by his side.

Trying

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2017, 09:01:02 PM »
I wish I knew why.  The rational me knows that it has nothing to do with me, it's his issue. However the emotional me is hurt and concerned that I can't be a comfort to him like I have been for so many people in my life. 
You will forever be my always.

TooSoon

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2017, 07:47:31 AM »
Again, I am so sorry you are feeling hurt.  How are things today?  I am hoping for you it is a one-off and after things calm down, maybe you can discuss what happened and why. 

Intimacy is hard.  Andy has had to leave for two extended trips and a few short trips; I anticipate at least two more upcoming in the next month or two.  I do not handle leave-taking well (neither does my daughter) and while I know and can openly acknowledge that it has to do with the many times my husband was taken to the hospital or hospice and we never knew if he was coming back or not and we were just waiting for that final call to tell us he wasn't coming back, it doesn't matter.  In the build up to the day he leaves, I start to brace myself, I pull away, I stop talking.  Its this primordial defense mechanism over which I have almost no control. 

Talking about it, even if it doesn't make it go away, though, has at least normalized it; we both know it is going to happen now so we can manage it better.  No one feels as isolated or shut out.  Not sure why I'm relaying this but when we've gotten ourselves into those kinds of situations, talking is the one thing that helps, even if sometimes those conversations are difficult to have.  Together, you will find a way to work it out. 

Sending lots of empathy and hoping for a better day today.  xx

Pammy

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2017, 11:22:30 AM »
Having a colonoscopy is a breeze compared to the prep. UGH. I snapped at everyone when I was going through my "prep" time too and I consider myself a pretty amiable patient with regards to medical treatments. Try not to take it too personally :(
If there was something I didn't know about, I would know about it

Trying

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2017, 03:28:30 PM »
Thanks everyone. He apologized today for being such an ass and admits he is an awful patient but still seems to think I should just let it roll of because I know it's not about me personally.  That's never going to happen!  I told him I'm concerned about what would happen if he was ever really sick, I don't think he really gets it.  So I'm glad he apologized but I don't think I can expect any change in the event of future medical events.
You will forever be my always.

calimom

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2017, 12:17:38 AM »
Knowing your care taking and history of anxiety, this guy owes you a huge apology for allowing you to sit in a waiting room shaking and freaking out. For a 50 year old, a colonoscopy is a predictable rite of passage. All he needed, really, was a ride home, and it sounds like he put you through hell. Sure, he's a "bad patient", but please, he is not sick, he was simply having an unpleasant medical test. I hope you're dong better and it's OK to have a looooong engagement as you sort all this stuff out.
"I'm breaking through, I'm bending spoons, I'm keeping flowers in full bloom" - REM

Trying

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2017, 08:05:12 AM »
He's not yet 50 and it was not entirely routine so that added to both of our anxiety. We continue to talk about it.  The thing that gets me is he went through a big surgery and extended rehab when he was first separated and really hated that he was alone through it all. He told me what a horrible patient he was then but I thought it was because he didn't have a loving caregiver, like me, by his side. He has been very apologetic and I'm trying to let it go.
You will forever be my always.

Bunny

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2017, 11:22:31 AM »
Here's the thing- there are people who, when experiencing high anxiety, express it in a horrible manner. They don't mean it, and they're actually very happy to have someone there with them, they just don't always know how to express their emotions in a sane manner. My husband had this problem. He had so much gratitude the entire two years I took care of him. He adored the hell out of me. But sometimes his depression or anxiety made him act like a complete and utter asshole towards me and it was very hard not to take it personally. Awareness and willingness to work on the problem did make things more bearable for me.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

arneal

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2017, 01:24:38 PM »
Thinking of you, trying, and holding you up in love and light.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

SemperFidelis

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2017, 10:12:49 AM »
Bunny you are absolutely right.
My LH had debilitating ptsd to begin with, so his reactions were pretty severe and don't represent normal folk....but nevertheless, they exemplified the worst of just what you are describing.  Just a horrible human being when his anxiety levels were sky high.  I'll never forget driving him to the ER one night and he actually grabbed the steering wheel because he freaked out feeling like I wasn't driving fast enough (to be fair, I wasnt driving fast enough....I was a novice driver at the time) .....scary times.

The next time I took him to the ER he was drunk and that was much easier. He was a happy camper lol

Bunny

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Re: Fighting a panic attack
« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2017, 02:31:38 PM »
Thank you, SF. my husband had an unusual, difficult childhood- compared to my relatively calm one. So, in the beginning, I didnt understand his issues. (For example- it seemed silly to think we were gonna wind up living under a bridge any minute. But that was his reality.) I learned to take a step back- view things from his perspective -and then share my own while trying to respect his concerns no matter how irrational they seemed. Both parents had tempers (which he inherited) and sucked at teaching healthy coping skills. He could have benefited from therapy So Much, but the religious cult he was raised in left a lasting distrust of such things. I have resentments towards his parents for their failures and neglect that I'm trying to let go of. He worked on bettering himself always, but life was such a difficult thing for him in many ways. We loved each other deeply, and losing him has been devastating and complicated, but a part of me is happy for him being released from his demons.

Sorry for the hijack, Trying. I hope you two are back in calmer waters.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.