Author Topic: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex  (Read 7419 times)

Sugarbell

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Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« on: March 09, 2017, 09:09:25 AM »
This is new territory for me..

Last relationship he had been divorced 15 years..she had remarried and they had a civil decent relationship.

My new friend..divorce was final 2 years ago....and she's nuts. She moved to the city 30 miles away..but is in hometown staying at her Parents when she has her daughter. I went to high school with her...we are just acquaintances..she's been my FB friend for 6 years (along with 800 other people). I saw her ONCE in 25 years at a band festival. She clung onto me and sat with my daughter and I . NG was busy working concession stand all day to raise money for the band. (He was always the athlete but is a super Dad and the responsible parent)

So one of my sons friends was at the house when NG was there. He told me his Dad went out briefly with his ex...and that she was crazy.

Every person I have talked to says she's crazy (like has various men all over the country flying her to different places lots of sugar daddies and just really messed up partier). The daughter is a sweetheart. We get along great. She told her Dad she almost told her Mom he was seeing me but was afraid her Mom would freak out. Him and I have been low profile but feel we have nothing to hide and are going to start being more public. Neither one of us care if she tells her Mom she's going to find out eventually but it's totally between his daughter and her Mother.

I really like him. We've been spending lots of time together and actually want to start planning weekend trips for all of us (his kid and my kids). My kids adore him. This is way faster than my usual speed..but neither one of us want to see anyone else...we are in a small town (our hometown)--Lots of folks have been on him to start dating. He's very picky. When I moved here lots were on me to date. I'm picky.

But we click.

What's the right way to navigate a crazy ex who I already know...but don't want issues/drama with?
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Portside

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2017, 11:55:21 AM »

What's the right way to navigate a crazy ex who I already know...but don't want issues/drama with?

Hey SB. Sorry to tell you - this can't be done.

Assuming for a moment that your NG's ex is crazy, then it's the 'crazy' part that excludes this future relationship with the ex as a potential drama free one. 

Your only hope is to keep interactions to a minimum with her.

But - if her craziness is limited to wild parting and slutty behavior and doesn't spill over onto you and NG, you may be able to simply ignore that. That's a big 'but' however. 

Good luck - Mike 
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Captains wife

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2017, 12:03:01 PM »
Ah yes....First of all, this all sounds great re: between you and your new guy so I was happy to read this. I am in a somewhat similar situation (although I didn't know this person before) and its really unfamiliar territory. The divorcee I am dating has an ex who is really really difficult (I don't know about crazy yet) - she is very unpleasant to my guy and doing some things that I really think are very unpleasant in terms of behavior. My NG is awesome and we too get along so well (and he gets along really well with my son) - but this ex provides a black cloud hanging over things sometimes. Here is the tactic I have used so far - avoidance.....My son and I have been through so much I don't need any toxic like people in my life so I purposely keep away from her and that part of the equation. I know this is not sustainable forever but for now I have asked NG if it would be ok if I (and my son) don't attend events where she will be. This is what I need right now although I know it will have to change in the future. We do our own things with the kids and she isn't involved at all and there is no reason for our paths to cross. For your situation, this likely isn't possible but you and NG should just continue down the path you are going (she is going to have to deal), limit any interaction where you may run into each other and when you do see her, be cordial for the kids sake. All the best,

Sugarbell

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2017, 02:11:04 PM »
I've gotten pretty good at avoidance..our only face to face awkwardness will come from kids activities.

High school football games-We will both be there (well she occasionally shows up to watch her daughter)

Our daughters go to same dance teacher ...different classes (she's 15 my daughter is 9). But dance recitals, etc.

My oldest is one year behind his daughter. They know a lot of the same people. In fact a few girls in his grade have said "He's really nice..especially now that he's rid of Crazy -----"

This is the recurring them I've heard. And when I ran into her at the band festival this fall...she went on and on to me at how if she sees him with another women she will go nuts. (Even though she's been cheating on him since 2006..and has had dozens of men since divorce in 2014..she kept telling me she screwed up and want him back. This was the FIRST time I laid eyes on this woman since 1990! We did not hang out together since high school but she unloaded on me at this festival.

He's damn near perfect for me from what I know so far...but I really really don't want to deal with her hysteria. (-and yeah she's been hospitalized for mental issues..she's a train wreck).

Just hoping maybe my stand offish vibe will keep her away from me. She won't be mean or threatening but she's just nuts.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Sugarbell

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2017, 02:17:36 PM »
Or maybe when she finds out I should just clear the air and be upfront. So their isn't that tense awkward junk going on at public kids activities. P
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Trying

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2017, 03:07:03 PM »
The crazy ex is not a fun situation to be in.  You can't control her or her reaction to your relationship, unfortunately.  It would probably be better if she finds out sooner rather later and NG should decide how best that should happen.

I have a crazy ex situation too but so far she saves her crazy for him and is polite to me in our very limited interactions.  This may change soon because of some concerning situations that may lead my guy to head back to family court.  We have no desire to take the kids away from her but she is not forthcoming about some serious things in her home that directly effect them.  Also now that we are living together he want to enforce the 50/50 custody and she is resistant (he has to be at work before the "before school" program starts so he couldn't have them overnight during the week when living alone and only has them 4 hours after school).

Keep your distance when possible, maintain your dignity and take the high road whenever you can.  If she freaks out and you don't let her see it getting to either of you she will hopefully burn out eventually.
Good luck, this guy sounds like he's worth it!
You will forever be my always.

Mizpah

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2017, 03:26:20 PM »
My boyfriend has a child with a crazy ex.  She presents an extra layer of complication, though, as she's not merely "crazy," but also highly malicious, vindictive, manipulative, and dedicated to efforts at hurting others emotionally, socially and legally (mostly my boyfriend and anyone associated with him) at any cost to anyone, including to their child at times.  A bit more than two years ago, I completely cut off contact with her and she's not allowed in our home (not even at pickup and dropoff) and I've blocked her number and FB.  (She used to issue death threats against my boyfriend's late fiancee, but she hasn't against me (yet).)  It's far too late for me and her (and always was going to be eventually really - the only thing she ever wanted to talk to me about, from the beginning, was how awful he is (though she tried to get back with him when his fiancee died, so...)). 

My advice: be pleasant and yet distant, and fade into the background as much as possible when things involve her, keeping him responsible for the (co-parenting) relationship.  Don't react if things get heated.  Don't let her or anything about her come between you two; take nothing she says or does to heart.  If I could do it over (and mind you I don't think I could have prevented her exploding the potential for a relationship between me and her, just by virtue of her personality/choices) but if I could do it over, I would make it very clear very early on that my focus with her should be only on pleasantries and (if you and NG get to this level), co-parenting issues like bedtimes, approaches to discipline/teaching, favorite foods, school stuff, and that's all. 

Good luck!

[Edited to add: new territory for me too and wow, what a shock to me, the way some people behave!  I thought this was merely the stuff of Jerry Springer!]
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Adley

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2017, 05:59:10 PM »
All great advice, I'd just like to add- take tiiiime. If she and the daughter are still in contact, then that influence is there to some degree. But if the daughter sees the 'crazy' and doesn't want to emulate, then it could be very positive. I rushed, and the crazy ex factor was just one of many that I overlooked. Take time, and I wish you the best!
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

wecouldbeheros

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #8 on: March 09, 2017, 06:06:57 PM »
Show her you are more crazy than her ;)

StillWidowed

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2017, 02:42:38 PM »
My non-relationship relationship consisted of him having a "crazy" ex.  He told me how she would make his life miserable, would fight with him all the time about everything, blah blah blah.  As he and the non-relationship relationship started to unfold, I came to realize he was the miserable one and no wonder she was constantly pissed at him.  She had her hands full!

So proceed cautiously....

Sugarbell

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #10 on: March 10, 2017, 10:58:26 PM »
I do realize their is 2 sides to every story. I'm sure she thought he was boring and a homebody. She likes to go out...like ALOT. She been a FB "acquaintance" for years and I've witnessed the trips/messes/break ups with other men..all of it. He's not on social media (always a good sign Lol).. He doesn't talk much about her at all..he's actually embarrassed.

It's been from other folks who have made comments. Every single one.. "She's crazy" and "He's a good guy and the responsible parent"

So not worried it's him..

It's my hometown..we are from the same high school and years graduated. The circle is small it's easy to check anyone out. It's a positive and negative thing about moving home but I made my peace with it before we moved.

I'm just going to keep my distance...and maybe have a glass of wine before the public joint kids events.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

mmg19

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2017, 01:07:59 PM »
Not in a position to offer advice on how to deal with the ex.  NG got kudos for not talking about his ex.  I respect this in both males and females.  Ex is the mother of his daughter and I would tread lightly never to comment on her actions to him or in the presence of any of the children(yours and his). 

Enjoy the becoming friends stage of the relationship and my hunch is there will be very little drama since she appears to have interests elsewhere and may relish the idea of her daughter being around a stable influence.  I would also clean up my facebook friends or at least restrict any opportunity to have any contact.  NG should handle any issues that may arise.    Good Luck as you move forward. 

singinmomo4

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #12 on: March 11, 2017, 05:41:58 PM »
Good luck with that Sugarbell!  No real advice because I've never dealt with that but I hope it all works out.  I'm guessing that knowing her isn't a good thing.  Just let him deal with her, you stay out of it.  Again, good luck!
Rick, an amazing husband, father, fisherman & fisher of men with a servants heart who served God every day. ReRe, miss your smile & twinkle in your eye.

Lmsmdm

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2017, 08:15:14 PM »
I remember when Big Guy and I were new...he would always tell me his ex was nuts.....I remember telling him he was being dramatic.... usually both people involved are ok, just not ok together..... boy oh boy was I wrong ha ha ha....there will have to be some interaction, but as said before keep it to a minimum. Biggest challenge is to not fall into their trap and and try to deal with them rationally as it's not possible. Once I realized that, things went smooth... I would yes the crazy bitch and end the interaction asap.
You hate me don't you? Yup, so much I married you twice! :)

Sugarbell

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Re: Those dating divorcee with nutty ex
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2017, 09:17:29 PM »
Oh yea...daughter told her Mom last Sunday...Mom went nutso. We are no FB friends but she's making an ass of herself thru social media. All dramatic and what a tough time she's having. She's been thru many men since the divorce-i am the first woman he's been out with since the divorce and she is nuts over it.

The daughter likes me..and that fuels her anger. We all (all 4 kids) went to dinner and a movie last night..she was supposed to have her but went to a rock concert instead. -He has her 80 percent to the time.

And yes my interaction with be brief and only when I have to. ,

B.W.H. 9/24/2007