Author Topic: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???  (Read 931 times)

Needytoo

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Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« on: March 12, 2017, 09:34:43 AM »
Hope to get some insights from everyone.  Wednesday was the 4th anniversary of my husband’s passing, and that might be partly the issue with my confusion right now. 
During this four years of being single, it has given me some time, to think about my life.  I married my high school sweetheart 27 years ago.  We were inseparable before we got married, but after getting married it got bad quickly.  He cheated on me and just was a complete ass.  I never brought up any of the issues we had.  I left a note and left. We spoke only once right after our separation. Instead of giving myself the time to be single, I got right into dating a lot of men, and within a few months, I moved into with my second husband. 
You would have thought I would have learned to be a better communicator, but I didn’t. My 2nd marriage had issues, and we didn’t address them, and then there were the kids and this and that, I think you get the picture.  Before my husband’s passing we were spending more time together, and then it was all gone with his sudden passing.
One of my friend’s asked me advice on her marriage four months ago; I told her she needs to talk to her husband, they didn’t discuss the issues and decided it would be best to separate.  I feel horrible that they would rather split up instead of dealing with it.
I guess it was at the same time my ex-husband contacted me through Facebook.  He remarried and lives on the other side of the country.  He has apologized for how he treated me, which felt great. We have talked about the old days he has shared a little bit of himself. I am “feeling” things that I never thought I would feel again, but let's face it when you have been celibate for four years plus you get that “feeling”.   I get the impression he isn’t happy with his life.  Our last communicate was that he has some hard questions he wants to ask me.  Not sure what is going on and it has made me a little anxious. 
Yesterday my friend’s husband moved out, and she wanted to celebrate, so we went out.  She then told me he is already having an affair.  I can’t even get anyone to go out for coffee, and she is already sleeping with someone.  I at a loss for words. 



wecouldbeheros

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2017, 01:05:45 AM »
If I were to give advise, w/o sounding like giving advise, I would say be very cautious.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2017, 05:18:36 AM by wecouldbeheros »

Trying

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2017, 07:27:34 AM »
I know my views on relationships have changed since being widowed.  There were some unresolved issues in my marriage, things I resented but did nothing about because the partnership was good overall.  Now in my current relationship I want to discuss everything, be as open as possible as deal with things as they come up.  I'm sure it's hard to see your friend not fighting to keep her marriage when you have a different perspective.

As for your ex I would say tread cautiously.  People can change and grow up but sometimes people just follow the same pattern.  Revisiting those feelings of when things were good between the two of you must be very tantalizing for both of you and a little flirting can be a great boost to the spirits.  Curious to hear what his "hard questions" are.
You will forever be my always.

serpico

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2017, 08:10:54 AM »
Is your ex-husband still married?
'I think I got some of your pickle'

wecouldbeheros

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2017, 09:55:34 AM »
Including myself I've seen dozens of people try to recouple after many years, yet to see one that lasted.
His hard questions would interest many I'm sure.

daysofelijah

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2017, 11:53:39 AM »
Is your ex-husband still married?

This is my question too. If he is, your conversations with him are inappropriate imo. He cheated on you, remember. And if he's still married this sounds like it could quickly become an affair (at least emotionally) with you, on his current wife if you let that happen. Run away.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

Needytoo

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2017, 06:29:42 PM »
I think somehow we are all on the same page on this.  I believe he is still married and even though my marriage wasn't perfect I never cheated in either of them, and there is no way I am having an affair with a married man.
He has spiked my interest with the "hard questions," after all, it has been 27 years. 
Thanks everyone for your replies.

Needytoo

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2017, 07:37:49 AM »
Update, my girlfriend this week has a huge smile on her face, huge bags under her eyes and her hands have the shakes.  She canceled our work lunch dates so she could go and see him.  Didn't point those things out to her. She is only a contract worker at the college and my intuition is that they don't want her back. I want to say something but I think I will just keep out of it because it is only a feeling and well also rolling of the eyes with her boss when mentioning her name.

Still chatting with my ex-husband on Facebook.  The anniversary of his Dad's death was this week so I didn't want to get into too detail questioning. 

Also been chatting with a guy on Match and I think we are actually going to meet. He is eleven years older than me so we are chatting if the age gap is an issue. I said no but then when I find out one of his son's is only 12 years younger than me, it makes me think maybe it will be an issue.  He asked if I told my sons. I told them no I haven't directly told them that I want to date but I am sure they have seen the app on my phone. I also told him once I do start dating I will tell them.  Does that sound ok? 


momtokam

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2017, 04:28:15 PM »
Needy,

Regarding this match guy....

You have not met him yet. He has no business asking you what you have or have not told your kids. You decide what and when you tell them.

I've talked to lots of men before meeting and you know nothing for real about them until you meet.   IF you do meet AND you feel you may want to continue, only then can you have those kinds of conversations.


wecouldbeheros

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Re: Advice on this weird thing we call Life???
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2017, 06:55:51 PM »
Everyone seems to do what they think they have to I guess, even after good advise. I would have stopped talking to ex, guess is he'll want you to fly out to meet. Match guy, no better advise then previous response ^^