Specific Situations > Other Circumstances

My mom won't let me call myself a widow

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Max2507:
Geez people can be so un-self aware of how what they are saying effects people. I lost the person I loved, that loved me back in an incredible way, the person I thought I would spend many more years with, had plans for the future with---Isn't that the person you lost too? Yes I was married but doesn't my decription fit your situation, I was also a woman married to a man but what if it were a female partner? Wouldn't they be in the same fucking sad situation? Sorry just this kind of crap makes me so angry and from your mom of all people, two weeks post loss. I think next time she pushed that distinction I would say OK you are right I am just a woman who's fiance FUCKING DIED!!

Bunny:
okay. Yes, legally, you're not a widow. But when you lose the person you've decided to spend the rest of your life with, what the fuck else are you supposed to call yourself?! Maybe you should ask her what label exactly she would like you to use and why.

My mom said some weird hurtful shit right after my husband died. She told me I was just depressed and she knew exactly how I felt because she'd struggled with severe depression for much of her life. She was always trying to get me to take anti-depressants because they worked so well for her so that is what I needed to get better also. It was frustrating to explain over and over that I was not depressed, but rather really really down into my bones SAD, not depressed. It's different. Grief cannot be solved with a pill (if only that were the case!) I felt so invisible to her.

Reflecting on it now-- I think that my grief was scary for her; to see her child- whom she deeply loved- in so much pain. So she tried to put it in a box she could understand. She diminished it in order to try to get me to not be in So Much unbearable unrelenting pain. Of course, it was bullshit and very hurtful. And not in the least helpful. But I knew she did love me, so I let it go as much as I could while being very firm about what my feelings were and were not.

I dunno...maybe your mom thinks, irrationally, that you will hurt less if you just stop calling yourself a widow. Death can create some crazy kinda logic gymnastics in people's brains.

I'm so very sorry you never got to be his wife.

TooSoon:
Your loss is as significant as all of our losses.  If you feel like widowed best characterizes where you are right now then to hell with semantics.  You are unconditionally welcome here, as is every person who has lost their partner in life - legal or not, normative or not, no matter the circumstances.  I am so sorry for your loss; please lean on people here for support. 

Monique:
Thank you so much to everyone for your support. It's frustrating that there really isn't a good word for my situation unless I tell people the whole long story. So far I haven't really needed to tell anyone other than close friends and family, and I try to be patient with them since the things they say are well-intentioned and said out of love, even if sometimes they hurt me without meaning to. But it's nice to have people to talk to who understand... I'm glad I found this group, even though I wish I hadn't needed to. Love to you all!

beth_krkswidow:
There is a girl in our young widoes grief group, who comes to my widow breakfasts. She is in your situation. Her Patrick is buried at the same cemetery as my Kirk. We sometimes visit them together. She is going through the same hell I am.  She lost the love of her life and neither of us want to go on.  She, and you, are widows.  Not in the legal sensr. But this is not a legal matter.  This is a matter of the heart. I am so sorry that you had to join us.  Hugs to you.   Beth

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