Author Topic: I don't know how to date as an adult!  (Read 1490 times)

klim

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I don't know how to date as an adult!
« on: March 31, 2017, 05:11:41 PM »
I've had one  post widow relationship and am now entering another. What I'm now thinking is I haven't got a clue how to date like an adult.

When I met DH I was a teenager living in my parents house. A lot of what I did was set out by the parents rule. I was home every night..no matter what I'd been  doing that night or how late it was ...I headed home from my boyfriends(DH) apartment to sleep in my own bed.

During my 1st post widow relationship I kept almost those same rules....basically because I had my 18 yr old son at home and somehow, I didn't want him dealing with "where is mom?" Thing was I was fairly comfortable with that arrangement.

Now I'm in a new relationship....my son is away at school...no more reason to get home...but it seems weird.....

My decisions are solely my decisions and I'm not used to that.

In otherwords it's almost a foriegn idea that at the end of the evening when my boyfriend is dropping me off, that I could ask him in for a nightcap....instead we end up "necking "in the car.

I don't know what my point is but I know I'm struggling with this and wondered if anyone else can relate.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2017, 05:14:05 PM by klim »

tybec

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2017, 05:58:17 PM »
I know, right?  I have the same history as you.  DH was HS sweetheart.  I read up on things, saw things on t.v., and was even more confused.  I had in my head that I would find a guy, he would be the right one and marry me.  HA! I thought I would be very traditional in all that.  I suppose I could have been, but I haven't with my NG.  He has dated many in his 20s as he was military overseas, rugby playing guy.  He married at age 30.  Divorced at 40.  Had lots of relationships.  Thankfully, he was into monogamy, but still had many relationships since college to my one.  Just tough. 

On TV, they talked about the 3 DATE RULE!  WHAT?  OMG!  Really!  NG was a little more ambitious around the 3rd date!  I backed off, told him not ready for all that.  And he backed off and gave me space.  But wow! 
I know it is awkward.  I am just getting to the point that I need to do what I want and need and not worry about the "rules" or what others think.  My grief, my losses, my life how I live it. Slowing getting there.  Good luck!

BrokenHeart2

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2017, 11:15:01 PM »
Yup, just go with your gut feeling! Your life your rules!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Julester3

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2017, 11:36:38 PM »
I have to say this is one of the main reasons I don't want to date - I don't really know how as an adult. I knew my DH throughout HS and we dated in college until we got engaged and got married. I listen to my divorced friends talk through about the dating scene (they are also in their 40's as I am) and it kills any remote interest or curiosity I may have had. 

daysofelijah

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2017, 01:28:52 PM »
I don't either anymore. I dated a lot during/after college and could juggle dating a few guys at a time. But now I have no desire to do that. Luckily NG didn't really seem to know how to date either. Or neither of use wanted to play games. Our "dates" consist most of the time sitting on the couch watching tv, sometimes we force ourselves to go out to dinner or a movie. It's so different with kids though too, like you said.

We've been dating 2 years and NG just started staying over one night a weekend 3 weeks ago. And sometimes I still wish he could just go home. I don't sleep as well with him in the bed, got used to sleeping alone I guess. I also worry a little about what the neighbors think to see his truck here all night, lol. I was raised sooo conservative. But so many things are different at this stage in life.

Good luck figuring out how things work with you. I would love to have a kid free house to come home to sometimes.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

arneal

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2017, 07:21:27 PM »
My LH said clearly he did not want me by myself. I was angry about it when he first said it, but after he died, I soon realized I didn't want to be alone either. This was the second time I'd been widowed, so I was very organized when it happened. I moved forward with life, particularly LH had not only told me but had told our pastor at the time as well that he didn't want me alone. I started checking online dating sites about two months after he died and realized quickly that I had no concept of what dating was about. After dealing with a troll for a bit, I went on another site where I met my NG. We have been associated since the end of last May. He was separated and working on his divorce, which was finalized in the fall. We kept things friendly for that time, particularly since we only saw each other on weekends. We were on the same page about how to connect physically and it happened, if I can say, organically.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2017, 12:41:55 PM »
klim   Thank you for posting this, I too feel like I don't know how to date as an adult.   DD is 18 and still lives at home, and that sets the boundaries.  I'm dating a new guy, and I'm home every night and he doesn't visit me here.  Once DD leaves for school in the fall, that boundary will disappear.  The thought of asking him in for a nightcap sounds so strange.  Almost scary.


And I can't even begin to imagine a guy in my bedroom.  Need to get over this, I realize, but I consider my bedroom a sanctuary and having a man in there with me?  :o
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

klim

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2017, 11:07:05 PM »
ok going to update a little on how dysfuntional a dater I am...but the mention of "my bedroom being my sanctuary" has prompted  me to admit how odd I am. ... if nothing else maybe some of you will get a laugh at how awkward I am.

i have been dating this NG since the beginning of the year. we had not been intimate yet but were getting close so I was bold and asked him to join me on a vacation. I would have liked to have been a little farther along in our journey before  travelling together but I had specific vacation days and I thought it might be a good opportunity to test drive our relationship. AWkward because we hadn't shared a bed yet.....it  was a risk but it went well. we figured it out.

Fast forward two weeks later. We are relaxing at my house, having some close encounters on my couch...part of my brain said invite him to the bedroom..it's more comfortable....another part said No way!!!...that part won.
Now here's where it gets even more weird. it got late and we had decided on heading out the next morning  for a little get away for the next night . his house is an hour the wrong way so I said he could sty the night....but I made him sleep on the guest bed.

So I'm ok sleeping together as long as it's not in my bed......he said he understood...funny thing is I can barely understand ........

Julester3

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2017, 11:27:46 PM »
I can totally understand the bedroom thing. I can't even contemplate. I think it's smart to go to a neutral like zone, honestly.

tybec

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2017, 09:22:56 AM »
 I think everyone is just different.  I wanted the "rules",  and it didn't work.  I have done things at my pace, my way.  Probably the first time in my life I didn't worry about what everyone else would think.  Part of being in my 40s, part of going through hell and surviving, so what the heck? 

Do what is most comfortable for you, and it will be okay.  I have my home. NG knows my home is my home I made with DH. I haven't changed much, honestly.  I have what I need and it is paid for.  Practical me.  But he is aware. I took all pics out of the bedroom as he noted it.  And I have one left with DH and son in a collage, baby pics of son, and he commented on it this weekend.  Oh!  So, more adjustments for comfort zone. 

He is divorced, so different scenario.  No pics of ex, of course, except in his children's room. 

I never dreamed I would be here, so I guess sharing my home, my bedroom which was DH's and mine, isn't that weird for me now.  Couldn't tell you why, either, as I was only with my DH ever.

  Strange this widow world.

trying2breathe

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2017, 09:34:00 AM »
klim   I get it, I would fool around on the couch with him and then send him to the guest room for the night too.  You're not alone!   


DH and I never shared this bedroom, I'm in a new house in another country.  No sign of DH anywhere, except for a few small photos in the closet.  It's my space, and I'm not yet willing to share.  I can barely understand it either.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2017, 12:01:37 PM »
I agree with you, tybec; my space, my rules :) NG has never acted like he was ... put off? ... when I had all sorts of photos of LH and family around. LH was a musician and I have some of the accessories around, like a Native American wind instrument, a finger piano, a rainstick, and a few small hand drums which NG has played with :) LH was also an artist, so I have his artwork up, including a couple pieces on the walls in the bedroom. However, it's never been a thing. And as you so succinctly said, we are each on a different journey and have to travel it the way we do!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #12 on: October 04, 2017, 08:44:41 AM »
ok Much further along in my relationship now but still struggling how I handle things and whether I'm right to do the things I do.Am I dating like and adult or ??


My BF has been away in Holland for the last week, I picked him up from the airport and we went out to dinner and then back to my house. We kissed etc and ended up in the bedroom which in general is a rarity( 3 times)at my house. It's rare because usually one of my sons is home but now they are off at Uni. So in a way I was I thinking to myself.."way to go you are broaching the He's in my bedroom barrier and you're quite comfortable. This is good".

 Then came the ok I think you should get going I need to sleep and I have work in the morning. He wasn't thinking the same way , he said he could stay the night and get up and leave at 6. I was unuhh...I can't handle that. My mind is so slow at adjusting in this area. It's like  I have to let every new step settle in and be analysed.

Now in the morning I'm thinking I could of handled it if I had some forewarning,if he had  texted me and said "you know when I get back from europe it would be nice to spend the night together is it ok if I stay at your place when I get back?" Then I could mentally prepare.

Not sure I'm really normal, apparently any forward motion takes a lot of analysing ..


 

Julester3

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2017, 09:55:24 AM »
I think you are still in the cautious phase needing to take every new step cautiously. You are processing this new territory but you have to allow yourself to take risks. Would it have been that bad to let him sleep over? Just thinking aloud.

arneal

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Re: I don't know how to date as an adult!
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2017, 11:05:45 AM »
Don't beat yourself up, klim. It's weird territory. I posted about my weekend with NG and meeting my son for the first time ... NG had this house rule about no sleeping over at his place, which to date we've broken 3, maybe 4 times now. At the old apartment when he first said it, it was because he didn't want to set a poor example for his daughter and her boyfriend; he didn't want her thinking it was okay for her bf to stay over. I respected that and abided by it. Last New Year's, he suggested I stay, so I did. I am thinking she might not have even been home. I think I stayed there one other time but can't remember now. At the new place, I tried to honor the rule as well; I mentioned it in a text reply and he said he'd done away with that rule 'months ago' because they have two bathrooms in the new place (the one she uses and the one in his room)  ::) ??? :o I've stayed there a couple times as well. Funny, as I write this I think about a comment he made last weekend, asking if my car would fit in the garage at his place ... I have a Ford Flex, which is long, and figured it wouldn't fit in there with his motorcycle. We didn't try it but he did ask, so I guess he was thinking about me staying ...

Bottom line, rules change. Comfort levels talking it all out change. I guess it's easy for me to say because I don't really have house rules -- I live alone, I work from a home office and unless I have meetings can set my own schedule. NG has stayed here over like a Friday to Saturday or a Saturday to Sunday. He stayed a couple days (like a Monday late afternoon through Wednesday morning) once when I agreed to take him to the airport.

If you are okay with him staying over now that your son is away, set some ground rules. You've got work and if you have a routine that his being there will interrupt just now, explain that. If you think allowing him to stay all night will make him clingier, definitely set some ground rules. However, do you stay at his place ever? You might use that as an example ... like if you are okay staying there until a certain time, explain that. Or if you stay all night, you might want to consider what's different.

Like we keep saying, dating is so junior high!  :D :D
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b