Author Topic: When it's been so long their are no memories  (Read 1040 times)

Sugarbell

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When it's been so long their are no memories
« on: April 02, 2017, 08:31:08 PM »
Or I should say no memories for my kids...

NG was over this weekend and the kids were showing him all our picture albums from trips, where we used to live, old neighborhood..old friends (He's a awesome guy listening to all their stories)...Album after album..talking about birthday parties, block parties in the old neighborhood...9.5 years of memories.

Their Dad wasn't in a single memory. Sure if they came across a picture it was "Hey their is our Dad".. They speak fondly of him...they know him through me. Even my oldest has very faint memories now.

It made me sad...yet also happy that I have still been able to give them a happy childhood full of good memories solo. They are only 9,12 and 14. For over 9 years it's only been me.

And when NG helped me with hauling gravel, landscaping I told him how much I appreciated it and that I wasn't used to help in the yard except from my son. He asked "Didn't your late husband help you".

And I paused and said "Well yes..we lived yard work together..but since him no...that's been a long time"..

Wow. And it has. It seems now like a lifetime. I still think of him daily-my boys are carbon copies of him...but in my day to day life...it's hard now for me to remember life with him...with kids...I've been doing it solo so long I can't even envision it anymore together.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

TooSoon

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2017, 07:09:24 AM »
Its only been four years for us and I know M doesn't really remember anymore.  Sometimes she asks to drive by our old house and I always take her when she asks but when we stop the car, its like we're looking at a diorama in a museum.  She asks me which window is which room, etc.  We talk about him less and less.  What can I say, I think its just the way it goes - we keep living.  I remember the good times - but even for me, a lot of it is gone.  I can only imagine for M was was only 6 when he died.  Its just part of the deal, I think.  Hugs. 

tybec

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2017, 07:31:46 AM »
Yes, it is so surreal.  9.5 yrs. seems so strange,SB.  Almost a decade.  I am at 5.  My son was 8 and now 13.  He is losing his memories. I have had to learn to be sensitive as I bring up memories, and he doesn't remember and then he feels bad.  I don't want him to feel guilty.  But he does some.  He can't help it, and I let him know that.  Soon he will have spent more of his life without his father than with.  It is so sad.  His dad had no dad ever, so he tried to be the best dad to DS, doing all the things he wish he had as a kid. 

I guess that is where Chapter 2 came about.  It really at some point is like closing Chapter 1 in some way and starting over, not incorporating the past into all the future.  It never goes away completely, but it does not stay at the forefront, either. 

 :'(

Portside

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2017, 09:25:49 AM »

...that's been a long time"..

Wow. And it has. It seems now like a lifetime. .........  but in my day to day life...it's hard now for me to remember life with him...with kids...I've been doing it solo so long I can't even envision it anymore together.

I hear you SB. I'm at 10 years now. My life with T. was a lifetime ago. The boys have resisted all memory of her - but, to be fair, their memories of her (unlike your kids' experiences) were mostly negative.

If I try real hard, I can recall certain experiences with my late wife, but they are more dreamlike than anything else. I have, and my boys have, gone on to live happily in the present with the occasional nod to what once was. 

It's sad but it is what it is.

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Momtojandj

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2017, 09:42:59 AM »
Such a fear of mine , my boys were 12 and 14 when he died. Yes older than some in our widda group. But still a fear , I don't want them to forget him .
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

MikeR

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2017, 12:09:14 PM »
Sugarbell,

I get it. My kids were 10 and 4, 11 years ago this May. I tried so hard to keep Cathryn alive in their memories. In fact, my kids used to ask me to tell "momma stories" when they were younger. Not so much, now. As you mentioned, they know her from pictures but their memory of her has faded. I knew it would - after all, what do most of us remember from when we were 4? 

Still, it hurts that they don't know the person she was/is.

Mike
Cathryn, your love made me what I am today.I am in awe of you.

Michael

Nuggets

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2017, 10:13:42 PM »
Another ~ it will be 15 years in July, son was 11 - daughter 20.... they are able to talk together and remember a great relationship with their dad (I am convinced they lost the best parent -- John was crazy about his 'offspring').... but it feels like we are all peeking through a misty portal into an old life.

We have all gone on to live our best lives ~ I live in Costa Rica most of the time - have not recoupled and not even caring whether or not that is a possibility anymore, daughter is in a place that she has worked hard to achieve both emotionally and physically, and that 11 year old is now a P Eng doing great for himself and the world around him. 

There are days it seems I have been doing 'this' way too long....

((hugs, SB -- I thought it got easier, it gets different - not easier))
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Isaac Asimov

imissdow

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2017, 05:22:03 AM »
This week I would have been married 12 years. I got 6 with him. My older girls remenber him fondly my youngest makes up memories of him. I've been told this is normal and not to worry about it.  He rarely comes up in conversation anymore. i think of him often but on a day to day basis other things keep me occupied. Our life together was forever ago. My kids are now 20,18 and 11. Growing up quickly with some good guy friends teaching them to drive and so general car maintaince. I have been blessed. Some days I feel sad that I don't remember more then I do. Yet time ticks on, and we contuine to live. In the early days I never thought I would get to the point were my thoughts didn't run away to him. Yet almost 6 years later and here I am.

Sugarbell

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2017, 10:22:26 AM »
All 3 of my kids were so young (4, barely 3 and 3 months).. So essentially their whole lives it's just been me.

The first few years...it was still new raising 3 kids solo...and especially my oldest had memories of his Dad. He's now 14...the memories are so faint even with him. And my 2 boys...who for the most part have no memory of their Dad..have his brains, mannerisms, looks..habits..Somedays it's really freaky especially my middle son..And when they ask questions it's almost like I am talking about a sperm donor as to how/why they inherited certain traits. The best of him lived on through them (oh he had plenty negatives too..but I don't see those traits in my kids).

My daughter is all me...I don't see much of her Dad in her...my boys are all their Dad...it's fascinating.

Not sad...it's just surreal that they've done so well (so far anyway).. and have pretty much never had a Father.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

SimiRed

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #9 on: April 12, 2017, 04:49:40 PM »
My son was eight when his Dad passed away.  But he really only remembers his Dad "sick", since he was diagnosed with cancer when our son was only three years old.

We were talking the other day and it hurt my heart when he said, "I don't really remember him". 

Eight years this September...and there are always so many things that I wish his Daddy was here for!

~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

Bear Shannon

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2017, 09:47:30 PM »
Margaret told me that she can no longer remember her mom's voice.  :(
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

DragonTears

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Re: When it's been so long their are no memories
« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2017, 01:49:11 PM »
Sugarbell and Nuggets, Great to see you both on here.  It has been a long time.  I guess I've on my own for nine years now.  It's tough having to do everything yourself and having no one else to lean on.  I remember what our lives were like and they were never great, but we had many dreams that they would get better.  This is not exactly of what I dreamed of.

Peace.