Author Topic: GREAT article today about solo parenting vs single parenting....  (Read 565 times)


Trying

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  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: GREAT article today about solo parenting vs single parenting....
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2017, 07:53:57 AM »
Thank you so much for sharing this!    Early on I tried to explain the differences to a divorced mom but she couldn't get past saying "I know exactly what you are going through".  At the time I was focused on the fact that she had every other weekend "off" as well as a few nights during the week and that her childrens' father attended every sporting event, school function and church activities.  He was there to handle the difficult teen son conversations and discipline.  I was alone, 24/7 to raise 3 boys, to be the taxi, the cook, the maid, the cheerleader, the disciplinarian and to take the brunt of their emotions over losing their Dad. I had to do all of this while missing and mourning the man I loved for 25 years.

Now at 3 1/2 years out I am engaged to a divorced Dad and I see a little more of the struggles of the other side.  It's not a contest about who has it worse but there is acknowledgement that the challenges are different.  We are not the same, we do not know exactly what the other is going through.  What I have learned is that the best thing to do is to have empathy for each person's individual struggle and to never assume we have all of the answers.  We can take comfort in similarities of experiences and learn from solo, single or dual parents once we remove the assumption that we are all the same.

All that being said, I still sometimes feel like screaming at fiancé's ex that she should be grateful that her boys having a living, loving and involved Dad in their life and appreciate the the free time she has when they are with us.
You will forever be my always.

MR

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Re: GREAT article today about solo parenting vs single parenting....
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2017, 10:55:07 AM »
So true.

PeaceLoveLinny

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Re: GREAT article today about solo parenting vs single parenting....
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2017, 08:41:13 AM »
I have always found writing cathartic, and though I can sit and talk for hours about my feelings and struggles post-loss, I still find myself having trouble writing about it without falling apart.  That said, I read as much as I can; Self-help books, dealing with grief books, blogs, and articles such as this, written by people who have gone or are going through a similar life experience.  When I come across something that expresses a sentiment or feeling that I haven't been able to explain, I share it, so that others in my life may understand a little bit about my struggle. 
I shared this article, and it started a (forgive my language) shit-storm among my ILs and my friends.  My ILs saying "You have so much help, so you're not solo" and my friends fighting back in my honor.  It was utter chaos for hours.  In the end, I can just offer grace and forgiveness for those that can't possibly fathom what  solo parenting really means to the surviving parent and the children. 
This article was so spot-on for me, it's a shame other people are still trying to make those feelings invalid. 
Thanks for sharing!

Julester3

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Re: GREAT article today about solo parenting vs single parenting....
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2017, 02:56:12 PM »
Yeah I had my in-laws try to force on me that I'm not a solo parent and they're here for them but my kids don't want a substitute dad figure, they want THEIR father. The in-laws live 40 minutes away from us and have health issues of their own. They aren't accessible so it's not helpful if and when I need help. My MIL has spent a lot of time invalidating everything about me on FB and in person so I hold her at arm's length away at all times. So yes, I am quite solo in parenting. I don't even share much on FB anymore because I don't want to read the bru-ha-ha that always follows. My friends have picked up how special my MIL is so now I just talk to select people on messenger.

Tatianakm

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Re: GREAT article today about solo parenting vs single parenting....
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2017, 08:51:28 PM »
Wanted to share my own experience here. I was picking up my daughter from a playdate with a little girl, her first friend. I am so fortunate I met this lovely family, lovely people, a young couple who are just wholesome and very kind to my daughter and I.

Well, when I walked in, a little boy, who is 5, the older brother of my A's friend, ran up to me and asked: "...Ms. T, would you like to go up and see my goldfish?" The sheer joy and excitement of having his first aquarium and goldfish were just spilling out of this little boy. This is the first time I felt like my grief is limiting me in providing my daughter with her own "goldfish" experiences.  I am so consumed with the basics and focusing on surviving, putting one foot in front of the other, if you will, I am afraid my daughter is missing out on the exposure to all the joyful things this world has to offer.  How does one find the right approach here? My daughter is the only source of true joy for me; we do have now more good days than bad, after a little more than a year of my husband's death. How do I make sure I provide all the "goldfish" moments for her? How do I make sure that solo parenting, which I am quite content with, won't rob her of having a happy and robust life ahead?
To the whole world you were one person; to me you were the whole world.

Julester3

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Re: GREAT article today about solo parenting vs single parenting....
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2017, 09:52:00 PM »
You do your best and you can get there. We spend more time together more than ever, my girls and I. We make the experiences up and we now do better making time for them. I let the cleaning and chores go for a day or two and we do something out of norm for us. How about a day in the city? How about an impromptu visit to the zoo? How about we shop and looks for X? How about we have ice cream sundaes for lunch? How about a picnic lunch at the park? It can be so simple and you'll make those special goldfish memories for your kid, you'll see. Hugs for you today.