Author Topic: Maybe there is only one....  (Read 1205 times)

jgib

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
Maybe there is only one....
« on: April 05, 2017, 01:07:13 PM »
It was the third anniversary on January 31st.  It was a bit of a rough one I have to say.  I suppose because I am not numb anymore.
I have become adept at being on my own.  Even like lots about it......but I still miss him so much. You all know about this I am sure.
It was an accident so he left for work in the morning and just never came home.
We, as a couple, fit so well on all levels.  Not perfect and I certainly have not put him on a pedestal, but we just fit.  I am not convinced that can happen again....
I have gone for coffee a couple of times.  It was pleasant but I am rusty at small talk and have never really 'dated'.  Maybe I am picky or just not ready. I still feel married, I was for almost 20 years.
The last man I talked to said 'three years!  It has been such a long time! What is the hold up?'   This got me thinking maybe there is only one for me and maybe I should just settle in and learn to be happy by myself.

Wheelerswife

  • Member
  • Posts: 1112
  • Widowed x 2.
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2017, 01:31:00 PM »
Hi, Joan.

I think this is different for each of us.  I had my first husband for over 18 years, 17+ married.  Unexpectedly, I met my second husband 6 months later.  I remarried at 18 months out...and I was incredibly happy, even thought the sadness of the loss of my first husband (and my second husband's late wife, for him) was always present in the background.

I lost my second husband suddenly in his sleep just 20 days before you lost your husband.  So...it has been over 3 years for me, too.  I have scratched the surface at dating just a little bit, but I have not gone "there", either.  I have to believe that for me, at least, there will be another love that I will find when the conditions are right and I am ready.  I don't think that everyone wants that, but I do.  My second marriage was wonderful - everything I could have wanted and then some.  I miss him terribly, but I know he is gone and that the life we had is gone as well. 

You may be able to be happy by yourself.  I don't think that is a bad approach to take, since you (well, we) are by ourselves now and it makes more sense to me to make the most out of life.  Grab onto what makes you feel happy...friends, family, career, hobbies, travel, exercise, meditation, reading, learning a new skill.  Perhaps along the way you will find more things that are good in life, and happiness will find you.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Mizpah

  • Member
  • Posts: 750
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2017, 02:33:15 PM »
We just explored this over in a different section.  Check it out - http://widda.org/index.php/topic,3070.0.html

I put my opinion there, but I will say here that DH and I fit the way you describe - it was just right.  I'm in a relationship.  I wouldn't say we fit the way DH and I did.  It's different.  In most ways, it's harder.  But I don't love him less.  I don't adore him less.  I don't think lesser of him or our very different connection (even though our connection isn't as connected, if that makes sense - a lesser connection that isn't lesser). 

As for that commentator you met for coffee who asked out the holdup.... Uh, yuck!  You may not be ready, or you may just be out of practice, or maybe you'd be ready for the right thing that came along, and it hasn't yet.  ALL of us, whether we plan or hope to "recouple" or not should learn to be happy on our own first.  I was lucky to not find NG until I had gotten to that place, where I enjoyed where I was in life, my decisions and habits and "path," even after losing DH and that was never going to be ok, but *I* was ok nevertheless, even on my own. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

tybec

  • Member
  • Posts: 304
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2017, 02:57:27 PM »
Quote
It was an accident so he left for work in the morning and just never came home.
We, as a couple, fit so well on all levels.  Not perfect and I certainly have not put him on a pedestal, but we just fit.  I am not convinced that can happen again....
I have gone for coffee a couple of times.  It was pleasant but I am rusty at small talk and have never really 'dated'.  Maybe I am picky or just not ready. I still feel married, I was for almost 20 years.

Same story.  21 yrs. married, 28 together since high school.  Never considered any other.  He left for work and had an accident and never came home.  We worked despite we really should not have, but it did.  I thought I would never be interested in anyone else.  I had it all.  What a blessing!  And why not just be thankful! 

But it took 4 plus years, and something changed in me.  My elderly mother even stated she did not want me alone.  I was still young.  So, it happened.  NG and I are 14 months dating, committed and figuring out how to blend our lives. 

What works for you and your path is yours.  But, I was ready to be alone, and I am not.  Strange world that it is.

Portside

  • Member
  • Posts: 364
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2017, 08:30:52 PM »

This got me thinking maybe there is only one for me and maybe I should just settle in and learn to be happy by myself.


Those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. I had better luck dating after I learned to be happy by myself. Once that happened, I relaxed a ton and dates were more alot more fun.

I eventually found my new love and life is grand. If that is what you want, it's out there for you.

Good luck - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

jgib

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2017, 01:19:51 PM »
Thank you everyone.  It is so nice hearing others thoughts and experiences.

Thanks for the link Mizpah, I will check it out.

I wonder sometimes if part of my reluctance is just not wanting to go through this again.  If I am lucky enough to find another special person that I 'fit' with, will the thoughts always be lurking......if that can happen twice, so can the other......
« Last Edit: April 06, 2017, 01:26:54 PM by jgib »

Mizpah

  • Member
  • Posts: 750
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2017, 02:00:40 PM »
And that reality DOES come up.  For me, every time NG is late and hasn't warned me ahead of time.  In thinking about wills and health proxies, etc.  I think we've lost that innocence.  Also, for women, statistics seem to indicate that on average, we'll end up outliving our partner.  But I think the benefits outweigh the risks, or even the potential certainties....
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

fairlanegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 97
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2017, 02:42:56 PM »
And that reality DOES come up.  For me, every time NG is late and hasn't warned me ahead of time.  In thinking about wills and health proxies, etc.  I think we've lost that innocence. 
Yes. He went out cycling and never came home. Now with my new bloke, I start to worry, whereas before I was the least anxious person ever. The lost innocence resonates very much with me.

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1644
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2017, 03:05:13 PM »
There is definitely the fear of it happening again.  Fiancé recently was having some issues and had a colonoscopy at the same place DH had so many and where he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.  My anxiety was through the roof.  But for me too, the benefits of being in a loving relationship outweighs the risk of another loss.
You will forever be my always.

Bunny

  • Member
  • Posts: 285
  • widowed 2012
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2017, 09:54:48 PM »
I wonder sometimes if part of my reluctance is just not wanting to go through this again.  If I am lucky enough to find another special person that I 'fit' with, will the thoughts always be lurking......if that can happen twice, so can the other......

When I first started hanging out with my bf, I told him I had zero intention of ever giving another man the power to hurt me that much ever again. The thought of being in love again was horrifying to me. But...he fell pretty much effortlessly into my lap and we got along so well... eventually I agreed to give it a try. Recently, I noticed I'd finally stopped checking to see if he was still breathing whenever he slept too quietly beside me. And it does takes me a longer time to start freaking out when he is later than expected.

I admit I'm a more anxious partner in widowhood. But the happiness he brought back into my life-- it was a drug I could not give up, even knowing he's probably just gonna die on me eventually.

It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

SunshineFL

  • Member
  • Posts: 168
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2017, 09:28:44 AM »
Hi, Friends –

It has been some time since I have posted.  I hope you are all doing well. 

This thread and the “Do we get more than one great love” thread caught my attention, but I haven’t yet known quite what to share that could be helpful, have something to contribute or add insight or perspective for others.

As I shared back in January 2017 in the “On line dating vents and laughs......” thread (Reply #1127), and in February 2017 in the “What do I want , really really want?” thread (Reply #25) – when I least expected it (and when I had practically become resigned that maybe I wasn’t going to get a new great love in my life after seven years on my widowed journey) – life changed in a day.  You know how I say “you never know what a day is going to bring.”  Well that held true in a big way.

I think I have been quiet and not posting about the details for a few reasons – it all feels so precious and new, I have been staying present with it and letting myself experience each day and each joyful discovery with this incredible new man in my (our) lives, and, if I even let myself feel all the depths of the layers of who we are to each other, how we show up for each other and all the ways the Universe seems to have aligned so we got to meet each other in exactly the right time, the right way and in the right moment that we did – my empathetic soul has a hard time with the enormity of all of that gratitude.  (I know, I know … my quirky INFJ-ness is showing up in that sentence!  ;)  Lol)

OP - @jgib “This got me thinking maybe there is only one for me and maybe I should just settle in and learn to be happy by myself.”

@mizpah  “…I had gotten to that place, where I enjoyed where I was in life, my decisions and habits and ‘path,’ even after losing DH and that was never going to be ok, but *I* was ok nevertheless, even on my own.”

@tybec “What works for you and your path is yours.  But, I was ready to be alone, and I am not.  Strange world that it is.”

@portside “I had better luck dating after I learned to be happy by myself….I eventually found my new love and life is grand.”


So true. That has been my experience as well.
Only after I turned inward to do my own personal healing work over a number of years, didn’t look to anyone else for my personal happiness or to heal me, shed some layers, advanced in my personal growth and perspectives, and became truly happy and confident with myself, did I realize that only then was I ready to share my best self with someone – and allow him to share his best self with me.  But if that “someone” didn’t cross my path, I was completely okay with life solo – enriching and contributing and loving.

My late husband didn’t know this version of me that exists in relationship today.  Others here have recognized this truth in other posts as well.  That relationship existed for the *me* of that time; this relationship exists for the *me* today and going forward … and all of it makes up the greater story of the lifetime privilege of the evolution of our individual selves.


OP - @jgib  “If I am lucky enough to find another special person that I 'fit' with, will the thoughts always be lurking......if that can happen twice, so can the other......”

@mizpah “I think the benefits outweigh the risks, or even the potential certainties....”

@trying “… the benefits of being in a loving relationship outweighs the risk of another loss.”


Yes.
Agree.

Not for the newly widowed and not for those still in raw pain, but whenever the time is right for uniquely you (if it is your personal choice to want to recouple at all), after some healing and in your right time, I’d suggest that living a life with a guarded heart for fear of more loss isn’t fully living.

It is normal to wonder if/when it will happen for you.
It is healthy to consider the options.
It helps us see the precious gift of every day.
It all is part of the process to help give us clarity on what works for us, who we are now, and what we are seeking.

We don’t get to know for sure, but it is possible that we will get to be with our “chapter 2” partners in life longer than we were ever with our late husbands/wives. 

Being open to love is being open to being loved…for as many days as we get to have on this trip around the sun.

It is now April and yes, we are happily together even when apart, blending our lives, meeting and connecting with each other’s grown children, making new memories together, learning, smiling, laughing and growing each day, and embracing the precious gift that has been given to each of us. Even all the emotions that make me feel vulnerable, are thrilling and welcome lessons that I get to experience.  I have to tell you – it is a lot of fun!

If at this time last year you would have asked me if any of this would have been possible in my life - or if I could envision this dream coming true in the perfect way that it has - I'm sure I would have said "I hope so" ... but inside think "no way."

You truly never know what a day is going to bring.

Thanks for posting the question, OP – and thanks to all who have shared, on this and other threads.
You’ve all sparked a really interesting dialogue and reflections on the journey.
 
I hope I was able to share something positive and hopeful to others reading here.
Really, if such a love happened for me - I know for sure it could happen for you, too.
(Too dorky, or just dorky enough?::)

Wishing all of us goodness, clarity and light on our individual paths.
Warm wishes from FL.

« Last Edit: April 07, 2017, 11:33:32 AM by SunshineFL »

Mrs Reader

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2017, 12:42:44 PM »
Thanks SunshineFL. Maybe I should start washing my hair every morning after all  ::)

jgib

  • Member
  • Posts: 108
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2017, 02:16:24 PM »
Thank you for sharing SunshineFL.  It is nice to hear the journey of others.  It truly is helpful.

I actually am at the stage that I am comfortable with just me.  I suffered a lot of loss before DH.  Lost my dad, 6 months later my oldest sister (and best friend) and her husband, a year after that my mother and less then a year my husband.  I can tell you it is not something you get better at with practice......

For the first time in a long time I am just me....not daughter, not girl friend, not wife.....just me.  It has been nice to get to know me again.  There is much of this I would not have been able to write about at an earlier stage in this process. 

I have always been a bit outside the realm of 'normal'.  Not good at flirting, fiercely independent (which hubby admired), handy, an introvert and honest.  I am lucky in so many ways.
The men I have met with seem to want something much quicker then I am willing to do, on many levels! :).  Truly I have not made it past a first meeting, sometimes my choice , sometimes theirs.  I have met with 6 and one I have formed an amazing friendship with, just no hubba hubba on both our parts!  Lol. These experiences are what prompted me to do this post.

So, I like not answering to anyone, setting my own day, not cleaning up anyone else's mess (I don't have kids), things go how I want.  But I miss so much of the other part of being a couple.

I certainly appreciate how open and honest others are on this forum.  We are each on our own journey but it has certainly helped me to see how other ones have unfolded.

SunshineFL

  • Member
  • Posts: 168
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2017, 03:02:19 PM »
Thanks SunshineFL. Maybe I should start washing my hair every morning after all  ::)

 :D Yes, perhaps @MrsReader - lol - so funny!

You are triggering a thought I had when we met - I realized that I was in between pedicures with no cute polish on (not usual for me) and my grays were peeking though as a hair appointment was somewhat overdue.  So, all the theories about primping and polishing while dating in order to "meet the guy" kinda flew out the window!  ;)  None of those surface things matter when you meet the person right for you who really *sees* you for *you* - the real you. 

That said, clean hair and the scent of a lovely shampoo is always enticing! xo



SunshineFL

  • Member
  • Posts: 168
Re: Maybe there is only one....
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2017, 03:16:03 PM »
Thank you for sharing SunshineFL.  It is nice to hear the journey of others.  It truly is helpful.

I actually am at the stage that I am comfortable with just me...For the first time in a long time I am just me....not daughter, not girl friend, not wife.....just me.  It has been nice to get to know me again...But I miss so much of the other part of being a couple.

I certainly appreciate how open and honest others are on this forum.  We are each on our own journey but it has certainly helped me to see how other ones have unfolded.

(((Hugs))) @jgib - you certainly have had more than your fair share of loss in life.

I love how you framed the "labels" we all wear. I recently had the same awareness for myself a few months ago, recognizing that I was at the stage where I was discovering myself, creating myself, in many ways for the first time ever, in a whole new way as an individual, adult woman, without the labels of wife, daughter, sister, mother, aunt, all of it - without all the expectations associated with those labels and others, either.  It was eye-opening and liberating and daunting all at the same time. But also felt like such a gift to get to be me....find out who I really am at this season in life.

Remember the movie "Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts when she realizes that she doesn't actually know how she likes her eggs cooked? She had always adopted the way her fiancé at the time liked his eggs, but never really knew what she liked. In a lighthearted simplistic way, that is sort of a metaphor for the much larger and deeper work we are all doing re-creating ourselves after loss.

I also like to say...
- Everything in its right time.

From what you have shared here, you seem insightful, self-reflective and have such clarity and inner strength @jgib .

I'm grateful, as you mentioned, that we in this forum can all support each other with caring honesty on our personal journeys as well. 

Thanks, friends.

« Last Edit: April 07, 2017, 03:23:45 PM by SunshineFL »