Author Topic: LH's family judgement  (Read 1405 times)

arneal

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Re: LH's family judgement
« Reply #15 on: June 30, 2017, 01:55:06 AM »
Lindsay -- so sorry to hear of these added difficulties. My prickly issue is my LH's daughter. So, I've been widowed twice; first time when I was very young (my son's father) and then last year from my second husband. LH was open about not wanting me to be that sad widow, sitting round, not connecting to the world. He had been sick for a long time and we both knew it was a matter of time even though neither of us voiced it. Before he died, he told me that he didn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. He even told my pastor that his biggest fear was that I wouldn't try to meet anyone else. I was so surprised to know that he had considered my happiness in this way. Anyhow, I was ready to explore dating just a couple of months after he died because I'd started mourning a year earlier when he'd been hospitalized and given a 50% of survival; after that, it was doctor's visits every week, wheelchair bound, oxygen, surgery toward dialysis (he didn't live long enough to get on it ... the issue was his heart just was no longer strong enough to run everything), and so on. I met NG about four months after LH died and we are still together as it were. I told a few people close to me the first time we went out (more for safety reasons than anything else). I told my mom, who was thrilled and still is. I told I think one person in LH's family, who is about my age and has also been widowed more than once. She gets it. I finally told my son toward the end of last year (he is 22, is on the autism spectrum and lives in semi-independent living) and he was thrilled. LH's daughter is an only child as well like me and my son but I think she feels guilty because she didn't keep in touch with her dad. Plus she is more of a stereotypical daddy's girl :) She is 30 and still calls him daddy (I know a number of women older than her who use mommy and daddy, but even as an only child I wasn't brought up that close to my parents. They kept feelings pretty close to the vest so it's tough for me to get). He's been gone like a year and a half and she has a photo of him and her when she was really little as her social media photo. She hasn't changed it. I have only hinted at having a friend but she feels it should be platonic; one time a while ago I mentioned this 'friend' had offered to repair something around the house but I didn't want to ask since he'd have to get dirty. Her response was that since I have two bathrooms in the house I could ask him to do it and then could let him take a shower, but I wasn't allowed to have him in my bedroom to use the master (!). Right. She mentions him at random times when we talk because she calls still to check on me and occasionally hints at wanting to come here. I've made it pretty obvious that I'm not in a place for that to happen and I think she finally gets it, but somewhere in there she's not accepting that I'm not pining for her dad like she is. I was with him through the tough times and as husband and wife, I know what he said he wanted for me. I'm in that place and think he's tickled pink that I'm happy. Like Metv said, you be happy. Those folks can't live your life. Our LH's are gone; the marriage vow is fulfilled. Time to step into the future.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: LH's family judgement
« Reply #16 on: June 30, 2017, 09:13:14 AM »
As widows/widowers, I think that we're seen by others as being particularly vulnerable.  My family is protective, the in-laws especially, and they try to influence my choices whenever possible - financial decisions, things going on with my kids, vacations, etc.,  so it makes sense to me that they would have some pretty big opinions on whoever I may be dating.  Which is why I don't share any of this with them.  My guy would be scrutinized, I believe to an extreme, and I'm not comfortable with this.  And it wouldn't be fair to him.


Family is important to me - makes me sad that I'm not including my guy in the mix for holidays and family gatherings. Sigh ....  maybe some day
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Metv

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Re: LH's family judgement
« Reply #17 on: June 30, 2017, 11:31:14 AM »
^^ I would tell it like it is this is MY life I have a new guy he's kind great and coming to all my functions, so please respect this, as I would like you all to meet him. Make that someday today.

trying2breathe

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Re: LH's family judgement
« Reply #18 on: July 02, 2017, 09:24:05 AM »
I need easy right now, am still not willing to make introductions.  He says that he understands, I continue to balance the division of family and love life.  Sigh .... I need a therapy session
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Re: LH's family judgement
« Reply #19 on: July 02, 2017, 04:21:02 PM »
You will be okay, trying2. Therapy, yes -- can I come? I need a session too ... On family intro's, I've thought about asking NG to meet my son, who is the only family I have living anywhere near me. I don't want to be weird about it and I don't want to end up feeling some kinda way if he doesn't want to, which I don't envision but you know, that imagine the worst case scenario thing ... So I haven't done it. Sigh.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: LH's family judgement
« Reply #20 on: July 03, 2017, 03:58:33 PM »
Thanks, arneal.  Things will work out somehow.  NG met my son this morning, not intentionally but because son came home unexpectedly early from work.  It went much better than I could have imagined, guess it's best to have these things happen unplanned because if I had prepared, I too would have been weird about it and very stressed.  I'm realizing that I fret about nothing, sweat the small stuff, especially when it comes to NG.   Son hasn't asked or said anything about meeting NG, ho hum - life goes on.  An accidental introduction - I highly recommend it!
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Re: LH's family judgement
« Reply #21 on: July 04, 2017, 05:01:19 PM »
Glad it went well, trying2. In my case, because my son lives in semi-independent living, I couldn't do an accidental meet up. I have to plan to go out there to meet him or plan to have him brought somewhere to meet me. I could do so and not tell NG my son is going to be there, but that would be a bit too weird to me :) Someday. I plan to bring up a meet at some point because it seems like the right thing to do. I've met his daughter and her boyfriend, so for continuity and if we are looking to make a thing of this for real, it only makes sense.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: LH's family judgement
« Reply #22 on: July 05, 2017, 05:36:21 PM »
I responded about introductions in the Budding Relationship post too - it would be a planned event with your son to make an introduction, and I can see where this would need some organization.  Trying to make it seem unintentional does seem strange.  With other introductions to friends occurring, introducing your son seems a natural step to take, if this is important to you.



Have I told you lately how much I love you?