Author Topic: Where will you be buried?  (Read 1287 times)

serpico

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Where will you be buried?
« on: April 17, 2017, 10:39:21 AM »
Not sure I'm really looking for advice but maybe stories on how others have handled this.

I was married ~15 years to my first wife who, like me, was Catholic.  She's buried in the church cemetery and there is plot next to her, ostensibly for me, and I also reserved a third plot in case I remarried.  The problem is that my first wife is buried in the middle of the three plots, which I knew would make it awkward if/when I got remarried, but I didn't realize this until long after she was buried.

Fast forward almost 4 years, and I'm now remarried to a non-Catholic, and after her Mom brought up the topic at Easter yesterday she's been asking some questions like... 'If you die tomorrow, where will you be buried?'.  She doesn't like the idea of me being buried next to my first wife, and I get that, so I told her just to cremate me and put me in a sand trap at my local golf course.  I really don't care, and I stressed to her that I'm her husband now and my first wife (or her family) doesn't have a claim to me or my remains.  She worried, though, that there will be pressure from them (or even my kids, for that matter) to bury me next to my first wife.

Anyone else deal with something similar?
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Wheelerswife

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2017, 11:12:24 AM »
Hi, serpico.

I imagine that you have seen some of my posts in the past about this.  My widower second husband and I decided to be cremated and split to have half of our ashes buried with our first spouse and half together.  My first husband is buried on the east coast.  My second husband's late wife is buried on the west coast.  I did what we agreed to do and I buried half of his ashes in California.  I have a plot here in Kansas for us, but have yet to actually inter the ashes.  I guess I just haven't been quite ready.

My first husband was Jewish and I am not.  In order to be buried together, I chose to place him in our local town cemetery.  I was raised by conservative Catholic parents, although I no longer practice.  The Catholic Church, however has some rules you may wish to consider.

"Historically, the Catholic Church has not supported cremation. However, these days it is acceptable for a Catholic to be cremated. That said, most churches prefer that the body be present for the Funeral Mass, meaning that cremation should occur after the Funeral Mass. Remains should be buried in the ground or at sea or entombed in a columbarium, and should not be scattered."

You may find that this matters to you or other members of your family.  I have specifically chosen an executor for myself that understands my wishes and will follow through as I would like for myself.

I understand that this is a really sensitive topic and I wish you well in coming to a solution that is acceptable to you, your wife, and your family.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Abitlost

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2017, 11:29:16 AM »
She doesn't like the idea of me being buried next to my first wife...

Serpico,

You haven't asked for advice so I will not offer any. Rather, an observation in combining this post with your recent "Marrying a Widower is Tough..." post: it sounds as though there are significant insecurity issues going on. I am not suggesting they are coming from you, because from what you write, it appears you have made attempts to assuage any feelings that your current wife is second fiddle. Still, it seems as though she has lingering resentment manifesting in passive-aggressive ways. That would be of concern to me if I were in such a position.

To answer your question, I will be buried next to my husband.

abl

daysofelijah

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2017, 12:44:54 PM »
NG and I had a talk about this not long ago. He thought I would want to be buried next to late DH. I don't really think I will though. There is a plot available next to his grave, but it is a state away and my time in my life with DH seems so small and I anticipate being married again.

NG wants to be cremated and have the ashes put in a favorite jar of his. I told him that sounds good, but I want to also be cremated and (assuming we end up together) we will have a plot together, I'm not keeping his ashes in a jar on the mantle. He seemed to think that was okay.

I agree with abitlost's post above. Your wife does sound very insecure, to the point it is causing problems. She seems to be worrying about things that aren't worth worrying about. I hope she can seek some counseling or something to help her through that. Best wishes to you.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

Trying

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2017, 01:08:52 PM »
I am remarrying so this has come up for me as well.  My first husband, Catholic, was cremated and remains are buried in a cemetery with a headstone that has a place to add my name.  I will have half of my ashes buried with him so our children can visit us both if they so wish.  The other half will be up to my second husband if I die before him.  I have told him that I would want him to do whatever feels right for him, I will be gone so it doesn't matter to me if he wants a plot, wants to scatter them at Block Island where we are getting married or keep them in a drawer.  If he dies before me I want my remains to be wherever he is.

It is a touchy subject and many people have very specific religious, cultural or personal opinions about what is right. 

I know that you said you don't want any advice but I feel that your children are an important consideration in addition to needing to be considerate of your current wife's feelings.  Hopefully you will come up with a plan that will work for everyone and then get your wishes in writing.  I think it makes things easier on those left behind if we are clear in our wishes so that no one left behind takes the blame if someone doesn't like it.

Perhaps your current wife is a bit insecure or maybe she only comes across that way in the way you relate your story, I will not judge her based on so little information.  However I don't think many people would be comfortable with having a first wife buried in between them and their husband.  You would think the cemetery would have known to make the arrangements differently so she wouldn't be in the middle.
You will forever be my always.

Julester3

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2017, 02:11:39 PM »
Not remarried or in a relationship but I bought the plot next to my husband in an interfaith cemetery so we could be together again someday. He was Jewish and I am Catholic.

A good friend of mine had the plot next to her husband as well but she remarried and let it go back to her former inlaws. She plans to be buried next to her current husband if something happens.

fairlanegirl

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2017, 03:19:33 PM »
No religious beliefs to contend with here so easier I guess. My husband was cremated and most of his ashes buried apart from some with his family. I have not remarried but all going well will remain with my current partner and maybe marry when we are older. I intend to be cremated and have my ashes split, half buried with DH, half with my partner.

tybec

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2017, 05:47:29 PM »
My LH was cremated and scattered in the garden at the Veteran's Cemetery here.  He has a headstone and I can be put on the back as I won't be buried, either.  Interesting to think about.  My NG is 20 yr. retired vet.  Not talking marriage for a while, but not sure.  Could you be on two headstones, with your date of marriages?

Crazy stuff we have to think about.  Geez.....

Wheelerswife

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2017, 06:19:30 PM »
Could you be on two headstones, with your date of marriages?

My name is on 2 headstones now.
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Bunny

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2017, 06:35:57 PM »
I do get your wife's insecurity on the subject, as I think women struggle with these kinda feelings more so than men seem to. My boyfriend, though on the jealous side when it comes to live men, is perfectly fine with my ashes being buried next to my husband's. It's a double plot, but he has a separate stone so potentially anyone could go there- I already offered it to his best friend.

Me? I told my bf he could put my ashes in the dumpster if he wanted as I'm just not that sentimental about the subject. But I'm also childless. You have a lot more people to try and make happy. The dead wife isn't gonna care what you do, so I suggest you concentrate all your energies on making the live one as happy as possible. Come to a definite decision with her on the subject and Put It In Writing so she's not the 'bad guy' if you die first. Many of us have seen first hand just how unreasonable loved ones can get over a dead body. At least spare her that particular heartache.

Maybe offer the two spaces next to your first wife to your in-laws? Perhaps they, or a stray uncle or cousin, could use the space...
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

tybec

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2017, 07:11:19 PM »
Thanks Wheelerswife!

 Ya know, it wasn't that long ago when people didn't live long and remarriage was common.  Child birth issues, poor health, accidents even more. 

The miiltary thing is the big deal.  I can't have my Dh's benefits if I remarry, so would the Veteran's Cemetary allow my name twice if it happened like that?  Don't know.  Anyway!

tybec

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2017, 12:35:26 AM »
I am not sure of my decision if I remarry, but I have one son.  He will be the one, if anyone, comes to visit my grave site, so I think I would want to honor that is some way.  I don't know.

My father is buried way far away in a small, small town in a tiny cemetery plot of an old family church.  He had the plot for yrs.  Have never been to visit.  My mother will be placed there, too.  She knows we won't go.  It is so far away, off the beaten track.  So, maybe my son won't visit.  Hmmmm......

swilson

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2017, 06:42:16 AM »
I told the boys it didn't matter as long as they carved my departure date on our monument. They can share ashes or scatter.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

Sugarbell

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2017, 07:28:46 AM »
My DH has Headstone on a single plot...smack in the middle of another huge families area. (Like he's surrounded by another last name family that I have no clue who they are). He was cremated none of his ashes are there-it was more of a Memorial place for my kids and all 3 of their names are on it under "Our Daddy"-His ashes are scattered in the WV mountains and I have a few set aside. So I never intended to be buried by him (I also plan to be cremated).

I think really it's hard to say what you would do...like if you died tomorrow...sure for the kids sakes I would want to be buried next to their Mother. But shoot...if you live another 40-50 years with new wife-you've had a long life together, long history with the kids, grandkids, etc...You two may want to go off and be buried on your own elsewhere. Or maybe all you together I dunno.


We can't control (well usually) when we are going to die. We can't control what circumstances are going to be around us when we die...I know it's easier said than done but she needs to relax and not worry about that stuff right now-Unneeded anxiety.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Portside

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2017, 07:38:26 AM »
Hmmmmm. . . .  Good question Randy.

First wife's ashes were scattered in the flower beds/woods at our home. When R and I got married, we moved to our current home. R scooped up some of the flower bed's dirt and brought it with us to spread on the new house's flower beds. R wants her ashes to be interred next to her mother. I've asked to be buried at sea off of one of the ships my son has served on if possible.

But, if I know R, she'll put some of me in the flower beds with late wife, some next to her mother (and thus her eventually), and the remainder will be turned over to the custody of the Navy.

I've told all what I want done but whether it will happen or not remains to be seen.

It's early in your marriage - these things have a way of getting worked out if the folks involved want to work them out. I guess we simply must hope that those that love us can compromise and reach a solution that mostly works.

Happy Easter - Good luck - Mike 

 
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.