Author Topic: Where will you be buried?  (Read 1159 times)

Mizpah

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2017, 09:12:14 AM »
A very different experience with it here, but confronting the issue so that's similar.  I have a grave site next to DH's, in a Jewish cemetery, where only Jews can be buried (NG isn't Jewish), and it's down on Long Island (NG is a hometown boy who hates the City and its surrounding areas).  When I lived in the City, I went out to the grave once a month.  Now that I've moved a couple hundred miles away, I haven't gone, not even once.  Now I have a daughter with NG, and NG and I are together and plan a future together.  (His late fiancee was cremated, and he has a portion of her ashes in our home.  I dug up some sand from DH's grave to bring with me when I moved.) 

The difference here from your situation: NG doesn't care, at all, like not one bit, where I'm buried, or where he's buried, or where anyone's buried (he also has not a twinge of jealousy or insecurity over DH - he's basically not human).  (Needless to say, then, NG doesn't have a grave pre-bought, and I *think* he wants to be cremated - I can't see myself being cremated - Jewish, the Holocaust, etc., etc.)  But I worry - mostly about my daughter.  I don't want her to think I love her father less than DH and want to lie with DH away from her dad and her forever, that I love her less than my old life, don't want to be buried far away in a place unfamiliar to her, related to a life of mine she never knew....  But part of me really does want to be buried there.  That place is such a place of peace for me, going there ritualistically helped me heal and I actually looked forward to going there.  And DH wanted us to be buried in the same casket, wanted us together forever, and I do believe he was my soulmate even though I don't believe in soulmates. 

But I'm coming to feel more and more like NG, like it just doesn't matter, but also am thinking of being buried locally where I am now, for my daughter.  It doesn't really matter for the ones who are dead - it's for the living, IMHO.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2017, 02:11:24 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

MrsDan

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2017, 11:34:49 AM »
I own the plot next to Dan. The plots are in another state from where I now live and where my boyfriend is from. They are some thirty yards or so from my parents' plots. (Dad is deceased, mom has the plot next to him.) I'm not wild about the thought of cremation, I don't know why but I'm just not.

BF and I are no where near this discussion. I won't hazard to say where I'll end up, because I don't know his feelings about it at all. I know I want to be next to Dan in some way, which may mean getting over my cremation issue.

I understand your wife's feelings. However, here is something to consider. There is a very good chance that your current wife will have a very long lifetime with you. Hopefully you will grow old together. You'll share experiences, probably more than you late wife had. Your wife will get to watch your children grow up. All of these things, your late wife did not have. So, I mean, maybe it's reasonable for her to have you in your final resting spot?

I'm not saying this is the view you should take, just things to consider.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

Mrskro

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2017, 12:30:52 PM »
My mother passed away in 1991, my father then bought 12 plots.   2 for himself and my mom, 2 beside him and he planted a tree there.  The tombstone already had his name on it, he had them put in a cement bunker to prevent water from getting in.   He was always going to be buried there.   The plots are all in two rows, the headstones back against each other.   The 2 behind my parents were for my step mother and my sister in law.
I have a spot in the middle of my sister and brother.   

When my husband passed away my step mother gave me her two spots, and her spot was shuffled down by 2.  This was her idea.     I'm not sure if she knew she didn't want to buried there or it was just easier than involving moving my siblings plots around.  Like I said there's 10 spots excluding the tree.

My father passed away last January so I asked my step mom if she was ok with his wishes.   Her response was "It doesn't matter to me.   It's just a burial spot.  He's not really there"  She visits much more frequently than I do, as they are in my hometown about 3 hours away from where I live.   She puts flowers on everyone's graves, she once told me she was grateful for my mother, the love she had for my Dad, and was not looking to replace her, but add to Dad's life.   

Due to my brother and sister fighting her over my Dad's will and assorted other issues, she's actually given me those two plots now too and moved to a different spot in the cemetery to prevent and other nastiness from my siblings.   I was adamantly against this, it wasn't what Dad wanted, but again she said "I won't really be there either".

I'm of the opinion cemeteries are more for the living.

My name is next to my husband's on his tombstone.   I didn't ask for it, the headstone people just put it there.   I don't plan on remarrying, but who knows what will happen.   I was always against cremation.   But have now thought more about it and dividing me if I do.

serpico

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #18 on: April 18, 2017, 02:00:29 PM »
Lots of good feedback here.  Yes, my wife has some insecurities, but as I've asked someone here before... who doesn't?

If I die tomorrow, she will be the sole caregiver for my three kids, and I know two of the three would chafe a bit under her reins.  She's no doubt thinking about that plus the fact that she would have a huge burden in explaining to the kids, in-laws, former in-laws, etc. why she is burying me NOT next to my first wife, but in a separate plot, presumably next to her.  I think I'm going to put something in writing and throw it in the safe just in case.

I also told her from experience that on the off chance I die tomorrow she'll have 99 more important things to worry about, but I think it's just one of those things she's having trouble shaking.  I also told her all this talk about my death is making me want to check the brake lines on my car  ;D

By the way, I discovered yesterday that Catholic cemeteries DO allow non-Catholic family members to be buried there, so that helps tremendously.

Thanks to everyone who responded!
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Mizpah

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2017, 02:14:40 PM »
plus the fact that she would have a huge burden in explaining

I think most of us know from experience - good or bad - that anything you can do to lessen the potential for this is a great act of kindness and love.   

You just never know what will become an issue.  Sometimes it's the big, expected stuff, and sometimes it's the seemingly minor, random nonsense.  Good move in easing her potential burdens.  (Your brakes are fine.  You're stuck with us and our morbid little club.)
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Wheelerswife

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2017, 02:22:10 PM »
By the way, I discovered yesterday that Catholic cemeteries DO allow non-Catholic family members to be buried there, so that helps tremendously.

Good for you on this one.  My first husband and his family, being Jewish, would never have allowed this consideration; hence, the town cemetery became our best option.

I also think that time may make a difference for all of you.  In the unlikely (yet possible) situation that your life is much shorter than statistically expected, you may need to consider what your own children might need.  Perhaps that document you place in the safe can have contingencies...for now...and for consideration after "x" number of years.

However you work this out, I wish you the best for you and your wife and for all of the children you have together.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Abitlost

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #21 on: April 19, 2017, 12:23:50 PM »
Lots of good feedback here.  Yes, my wife has some insecurities, but as I've asked someone here before... who doesn't?


Serpico,

Secure people don't have insecurities such as you describe in your marriage. (Relationship insecurity is not on par with being insecure about one's love handles.) 

I recall you speaking very early on in your relationship about your now-wife's issues when you referred to your late wife, and that she expressed dismay that you had photos of your late wife in your house. You stated that even now she struggles with memories of your late wife being brought up. To me, your combined posts read as though she doesn't respect your life before her. I am guessing that her issues are not specific to marrying a widower (referring to your recent post), but more of what seems to me to be her anxious attachment style.

There is a book I would recommend called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love" which might help you both.

"...each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

- Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back
- Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
- Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

http://www.attachedthebook.com/about-the-book/

abl

Mizpah

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #22 on: April 19, 2017, 03:10:31 PM »
Lots of good feedback here.  Yes, my wife has some insecurities, but as I've asked someone here before... who doesn't?


Serpico,

Secure people don't have insecurities such as you describe in your marriage. (Relationship insecurity is not on par with being insecure about one's love handles.) 

I recall you speaking very early on in your relationship about your now-wife's issues when you referred to your late wife, and that she expressed dismay that you had photos of your late wife in your house. You stated that even now she struggles with memories of your late wife being brought up. To me, your combined posts read as though she doesn't respect your life before her. I am guessing that her issues are not specific to marrying a widower (referring to your recent post), but more of what seems to me to be her anxious attachment style.

I respectfully disagree.  I don't know Serpico's wife personally of course, but secure people can feel insecure in certain types of scenarios.  That doesn't necessarily mean they're not a secure individual in general or that they form anxious attachments or that they don't respect their partner's former life or feelings or late spouse.  I know from my own experience.  I have never felt insecure in any of my relationships before.  But now I'm with a widower, and I have relationship insecurities.  It's not as simple or simplistic as it seems, or as I used to believe it to be before I was in my situation.  It is very hard to be with someone who will always love someone else.  I say that as both a widow and someone who is with a widower.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2017, 03:31:40 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Abitlost

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #23 on: April 19, 2017, 03:54:57 PM »

I respectfully disagree.  I don't know Serpico's wife personally of course, but secure people can feel insecure in certain types of scenarios.  That doesn't necessarily mean they're not a secure individual in general or that they form anxious attachments or that they don't respect their partner's former life or feelings or late spouse.  I know from my own experience.  I have never felt insecure in any of my relationships before.  But now I'm with a widower, and I have relationship insecurities.  It's not as simple or simplistic as it seems, or as I used to believe it to be before I was in my situation.  It is very hard to be with someone who will always love someone else.  I say that as both a widow and someone who is with a widower.

Obviously what I wrote is based strictly on what Serpico has expressed; my interpretation is that her insecurities are mounting and affecting her happiness. I suggested that book because it offers tools for relating with people of differing attachment styles.

hachi

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #24 on: April 20, 2017, 11:13:39 AM »
I had an interesting conversation this morning with a cemetery caretaker about the oddities that she has seen over the years as a custodian. Family plots with more than one spouse are more common than you might think, and people completely unrelated to the family as well.

Personally, I don't think my husbands or my remains will ultimately reside there. It is more of a place to mark our existence. I have offered NG (albeit a bit tongue-in-cheek) a spot there as well if he wanted. He's keeping his options open.

I have told my children that if they choose to, they can bury my remains there if it is a place they would be inclined to visit. If not, well, disperse me and the rest of my DH's remains someplace beautiful and leave it at that.

I do think it is the kind thing to do to take care of your details ahead of time, and in writing.
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

TooSoon

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Re: Where will you be buried?
« Reply #25 on: April 20, 2017, 12:56:39 PM »
Um, Andy and I have been together for nearly three years and even now that we're married, it never occurred to either one of us to ask the other.  Hm.  I guess I better tell him my plans are to be cremated and have my ashes spread in the Mediterranean, ideally from my favorite spot on the coast of North Africa.  Maybe I should ask him, too.  Interesting conversation!