Author Topic: A Dream  (Read 1604 times)


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A Dream
« on: March 23, 2015, 09:32:56 AM »
It's been awhile since I've felt I needed to post, but I've been reading this whole time. It's been 9 months for me, and sometimes I feel almost normal again. The waves don't come as strongly as they once did, and I can actually find real joy in life these days. I've been seeing someone since the beginning of February, and it's been going so, so well. I haven't cried in so long, though I think about Brett everyday.

And then this morning I had a dream. I used to have dreams about Brett all the time, and we always acknowledged his death and spent the dream holding onto each other, like we knew our time was limited. I don't know what I believe about god and an afterlife, but I've always believed that these dreams were Brett's way of reaching out to me. I'd started to fear that his energy was finally gone since it had been so long since he'd visited.

This dream was like the others. I told him it felt like I hadn't gotten to talk to him in so long, I was so happy to see him, and I couldn't let go of him. I got to see his face, his smile, feel his arms, hear his voice. It was like everything I needed that I didn't know I was needing. And then I woke up. It all came rushing back. In the beginning, last summer, I would count the Mondays since I'd lost him, since he died on a Monday. I stopped doing that after our son was born, but I counted them today. 40 weeks. It's been 40 weeks since Brett died, and I miss him just as much today as I did that day in June when everything crashed down around me. I've been crying off and on all morning. Luckily, I have counseling today, but man, when those waves crash, they really, really crash, don't they?
Me: 30|DH:4/12/85-6/16/14|QPH born 9/28/14


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Re: A Dream
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2015, 09:38:18 AM »
So many (((((hugs))))). I wish I had something more to offer. I remember at 9 months thinking, I could've grown a whole new person in this time (I work in OB, that's just where my head goes). What am I giving birth to instead? Just this monstrous grief that keeps growing...

Sigh. And more hugs.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton


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Re: A Dream
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2015, 05:24:30 PM »
but man, when those waves crash, they really, really crash, don't they?

^^^ This is so true!  I seem to be on a cycle recently, where I will have one or two good weeks, then CRASH, a wave hits.  It takes me a week or two to ride it out, then here comes another one.  I really have nothing useful to say, I just wanted you to know this truly resonated with me. (((Hugs)))
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.


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Re: A Dream
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2015, 06:29:18 AM »
I find that when I have been having a decent stretch and get blindsided by a wave of grief, the shock that it's still there so strong is surprising.

It sounds like a beautiful,and painful dream.
You will forever be my always.


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Re: A Dream
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2015, 01:06:53 PM »
Hi, I am sorry you are feeling so low. Yes, I can relate too. We should all get medals for not going crazy and jumping off cliffedges all the time...I
I hope your little boy is growing happily and bringing you joy. It is sure one big thing that it is worth living for.
Hope the wave subsides soon, hold on , hugs
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)