Author Topic: The calendar of the heart...  (Read 921 times)

hachi

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The calendar of the heart...
« on: May 13, 2017, 08:22:13 PM »
creeps up on you. Sometimes you know it is coming. Other times it catches you unawares. I stopped counting the weeks, months and years some time ago, but the anniversaries have a way of making you deal with them. 5 years ago, my DH walked my daughter down the aisle. It was a day he was holding out for. A loose end he was tying up before he left us.

It has been a sad day for me. The marriage met its demise this year and although it is truly for the best for both of them, it is hard to think about the hope of that day and the reality of our lives now. I wonder what my DH would think of it all. Ex SIL is a great guy, just not the guy for DD. I will be forever thankful he and his family came into our lives when they did. They were a soft place to land for a time. We are all trying to stay friends, and that has it's own awkwardness.

The next few weeks will bring to mind the rapid decline and reality that life ends. Sometimes on our own terms, and certainly in Craig's case, he was where he wanted to be at the end and I am thankful for that. I have seen others struggle with the inevitability of death since then, and am always struck with the stoicism and grace he had. Clarity. God, I miss the certainty he had always. I miss him.

I am here, in this place in the mountains he built for us. It is easy and hard to be here. I feel him. But I feel the emptiness of his absence as well. It is easy to speak of him here. Friends share memories without the struggle that they seem to have at home. Not sure why that is, but maybe because life is just a little harder up here.

Anyway, rambling. Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2017, 02:54:32 PM by hachi »
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

donswife

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2017, 08:39:34 AM »
"Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be".

So well said and I am sorry this has brought up the heartbreak that always seems to be lurking

take care
 
My everything

BrokenHeart2

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2017, 08:36:17 PM »
Oh Hachi your post resonated with me so much. Thank you!! Especially this part "Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be." 
Yes, on this long weekend in "our" house we always had such a wonderful start to our summer being here on the lake.  It is breaking my heart that I must leave here but being here is so not good for me anymore.
 
And then you said this "The next few weeks will bring to mind the rapid decline and reality that life ends. Sometimes on our own terms, and certainly in Craig's case, he was where he wanted to be at the end and I am thankful for that."
My DH too left on his own terms right here in this home that he and I built together and he always said he would be taken out in a box in this house.  He got his wish.
Me too.  In 10 days it will be his 4 yr sadiversary or more like my sadiversary.  Whats so weird for me is that I don't feel him here but everywhere I look I have memories of him.  Does that even make any sense??
Thank you for your rambling because I get it.
Gentle hug to all my wids!!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Euf

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2017, 09:52:01 PM »
Your post also resonates with me.

We are all so tied together.

Yes, we break and mend and break and mend.

Quote
Anyway, rambling. Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be.
 

Easy memories to you too. (((hugs)))

hachi

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 11:29:34 PM »
So, I continue on with the calendar of the heart. Fathers day is tomorrow. The year he died, i am not sure we noticed Father's day. I know for sure that on June 16th, he broke his arm lifting a bottle of anti-freeze for the tractor he wanted to sell before he died.

Today, I was taking my parents out to lunch and was going to pick up my best friend, but she needed a few minutes so I took them to the cemetery where I had bought a small plot for the military stone I had ordered. A peaceful little area of the town cemetery where he never asked to be buried. But he was proud of his military service and I felt that his passing should be marked, whether or not his remains were there.

Anyway. I had no idea that the stone had been delivered and placed. Probably in time for memorial day. But it took my breath away to see it. It will be five years on July 6th. I wanted the stone placed by then. I wasn't really sure it would happen. So seeing it today was a myriad of feelings. Relief. Sadness. Pride. And a profound emptiness. My life is full these days. Really full. But the part of my life that was so completely half of a couple is empty. It is no more. And the emptiness echos in a sacred part of my soul that will forever and always belong to Craig.


« Last Edit: June 17, 2017, 11:32:12 PM by hachi »
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

BrokenHeart2

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2017, 04:00:57 AM »
 "And the emptiness echos in a sacred part of my soul that will forever and always belong to Craig." Wow such a true statement and mine will always belong to Gord. 
My Gord never did like to make a big deal of Father's Day so he went on a fishing weekend with his buddies.  That was his gift. We always had a nice supper when he got home. 
Gentle hugs to all my wids.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

jgib

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2017, 12:17:25 PM »
I get it too...
I am just over three years out from loosing him but so many others went in the few years before him....
I think that the fog and numbness has lifted enough that the anniversaries of all their passings can have some weight and recognition again.  The days don't just slip by anymore, I am able to acknowledge and feel them.  I am going to say it is nice not to be so overwhelmed with grief that I can actually feel again.
Great post, thanks for giving me a place here too.

hikermom

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2017, 05:39:52 AM »
Hachi,

I haven't been on here in a long time but the calendar of the heart brought me back today. One week before the day my husband suddenly died. And I found your post which resonated so strongly. It made me cry and I remembered why this community was and is so important to me. To be among people who get it - who don't wonder why it still hurts and has an impact 5 years later - who don't think one isn't "getting on with life" if they happen to mention their dead spouse.

In the early months, this place reminded me I wasn't crazy. It still does.

And your final paragraph was just pure poetry.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows ...
and this is the wonder that?s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
~ e.e.cummings

hachi

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2017, 11:30:35 AM »
It's not a specific date that brings me back here today. More the season. It's been playing me for a  few weeks now. I think it is the ritual of the wood. We moved into our last home 10 years ago. It has a wrap around porch and the first thing he wanted to do was stack 3 cords of wood on it. My lovely porch. I hated that wood. We had to compromise and agree to stack it only as high as the railing. :)

It was just one of those rites of fall... cutting splitting and stacking the wood. I can see him as clearly as if it was yesterday, his breath steaming in the fall air. I can hear the thud now and then of a piece of wood dropping, and I am tempted to run upstairs to the closet where his green army jacket is hanging to wrap myself inside it and see if it still smells like him.  It doesn't, of course, and I don't. I look out the window and see it is just the sound of the wind pushing his empty rocking chair against the house. 

The porch is full of wood. Now it comforts me to know he would be happy seeing it. I will be warmed this winter, both by the wood and the memories. The sadness comes and goes.. but the love stays. Someone has a tagline here. "Death ends a life, not a relationship"

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

beth_krkswidow

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Re: The calendar of the heart...
« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2017, 02:30:39 PM »
Easy memories. I like that.

It was here in the early days that i first heard that things would get softer, as opposed to better.  They have. At 18 months and they truly have.

This place is so vital
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...