Time Frame > Beyond the First Year (1+ years)

The calendar of the heart...

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hachi:
creeps up on you. Sometimes you know it is coming. Other times it catches you unawares. I stopped counting the weeks, months and years some time ago, but the anniversaries have a way of making you deal with them. 5 years ago, my DH walked my daughter down the aisle. It was a day he was holding out for. A loose end he was tying up before he left us.

It has been a sad day for me. The marriage met its demise this year and although it is truly for the best for both of them, it is hard to think about the hope of that day and the reality of our lives now. I wonder what my DH would think of it all. Ex SIL is a great guy, just not the guy for DD. I will be forever thankful he and his family came into our lives when they did. They were a soft place to land for a time. We are all trying to stay friends, and that has it's own awkwardness.

The next few weeks will bring to mind the rapid decline and reality that life ends. Sometimes on our own terms, and certainly in Craig's case, he was where he wanted to be at the end and I am thankful for that. I have seen others struggle with the inevitability of death since then, and am always struck with the stoicism and grace he had. Clarity. God, I miss the certainty he had always. I miss him.

I am here, in this place in the mountains he built for us. It is easy and hard to be here. I feel him. But I feel the emptiness of his absence as well. It is easy to speak of him here. Friends share memories without the struggle that they seem to have at home. Not sure why that is, but maybe because life is just a little harder up here.

Anyway, rambling. Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be.

donswife:
"Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be".

So well said and I am sorry this has brought up the heartbreak that always seems to be lurking

take care
 

BrokenHeart2:
Oh Hachi your post resonated with me so much. Thank you!! Especially this part "Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be." 
Yes, on this long weekend in "our" house we always had such a wonderful start to our summer being here on the lake.  It is breaking my heart that I must leave here but being here is so not good for me anymore.
 
And then you said this "The next few weeks will bring to mind the rapid decline and reality that life ends. Sometimes on our own terms, and certainly in Craig's case, he was where he wanted to be at the end and I am thankful for that."
My DH too left on his own terms right here in this home that he and I built together and he always said he would be taken out in a box in this house.  He got his wish.
Me too.  In 10 days it will be his 4 yr sadiversary or more like my sadiversary.  Whats so weird for me is that I don't feel him here but everywhere I look I have memories of him.  Does that even make any sense??
Thank you for your rambling because I get it.
Gentle hug to all my wids!!

Euf:
Your post also resonates with me.

We are all so tied together.

Yes, we break and mend and break and mend.


--- Quote --- Anyway, rambling. Just wanted to wish all of you easy memories. I feel my heart breaking, but I know it will mend itself again, it always does. God, what a mess of scar tissue it must be.
 
--- End quote ---

Easy memories to you too. (((hugs)))

hachi:
So, I continue on with the calendar of the heart. Fathers day is tomorrow. The year he died, i am not sure we noticed Father's day. I know for sure that on June 16th, he broke his arm lifting a bottle of anti-freeze for the tractor he wanted to sell before he died.

Today, I was taking my parents out to lunch and was going to pick up my best friend, but she needed a few minutes so I took them to the cemetery where I had bought a small plot for the military stone I had ordered. A peaceful little area of the town cemetery where he never asked to be buried. But he was proud of his military service and I felt that his passing should be marked, whether or not his remains were there.

Anyway. I had no idea that the stone had been delivered and placed. Probably in time for memorial day. But it took my breath away to see it. It will be five years on July 6th. I wanted the stone placed by then. I wasn't really sure it would happen. So seeing it today was a myriad of feelings. Relief. Sadness. Pride. And a profound emptiness. My life is full these days. Really full. But the part of my life that was so completely half of a couple is empty. It is no more. And the emptiness echos in a sacred part of my soul that will forever and always belong to Craig.


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