Tips/experiences/etc?

[Mishka3086]

Hey all...

So apparently this is normal. But 4 months out and suddenly I am alone, none of my own 2 friends and none of His family to hear/listen/talk etc....

For those of you who were also very alone and had limited friends they could lean on. How did you cope? Any tips on passing the time when you're down and depressed and tired of reaching out to the wrong people who don't really care? I have 2 kids, one teenage and one newborn. My family doesn't really understand. I feel alone and angry. Please share your input/experience. All are welcome and appreciated!!! Love and light to all.

💚

[bromans]

Hey Mishka, so sorry you are going through this. I don't think I can tell you what's normal, but for me therapy has helped a great deal with sleeping and just being able to say absolutely anything. Especially now that I feel like everyone has gone back to their normal lives, its good to be able to let out as much as I need to and know thatI'm not inconveniencing anyone. As far as passing the time, I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I hope you're able to find something that works for you.

[TooSoon]

Hi Mishka,  I also went to therapy religiously every week for a long time.  When I hit my really low point at about 8 months, I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts.  I quite literally "sat" with myself, sometimes just sitting, sometimes walking, sometimes reading, sometimes doing yoga but I retrained my brain to think differently and to get comfortable being alone.  It helped. 

Most importantly know that there is no right or wrong way but one way or another, you will get through this in time.

[Julester3]

I did therapy monthly and came here to help me work on myself. I focused mainly on my kids and their needs. I taught them open dialogue and encouraged them to share what was on their minds and to talk about their dad whenever they wanted to. I work full time so I fill the day so much with work, kids, household errands, etc that when it's time to settle down I'm exhausted already so I can sleep. When I have open time, I crochet or scrapbook. I just have to keep occupied all the time. The loneliness and anger hits when I am too idle. My coping strategy is to be busy. My circle of friends is small but I don't like being a burden and I need to learn to be self reliant now. It sucks but I feel we are making it through well.

[Christopher]

I started playing an MMORPG and watching movies and listening to music without words. Wordy music messes with an already broken heart so a strict "no words" policy worked great. I enjoy Ori Uplift's Uplifting Only though sometimes I venture out to listen to A State of Trance these days.

Nobody to talk to... yup. It's a lonely road. Nobody gets it. They all run away when you start opening up about it. They can't handle you at full blast so give them little drops.

You are not alone in the world, you are just alone in your former world. That death killed the old you too. You aren't that person anymore. This is the new normal.

You will be doing your own therapy in most cases, even if you hire a therapist. In most cases, all they know is from books so they are clueless. This is why you will be doing it mostly by yourself, at your own speed. Do not stay indoors. Get out in nature as much as possible. Indoors is a death trap (emotionally, mentally).

Just find something to keep your hands busy while your heart and mind work out the kinks. If you have kiddos, be a blessing to them (without being a door mat; they need to learn life skills).

This is your road to walk. Only those that have walked through their own private, personal hell of grief will truly understand what you are going through.

[Mizpah]

Hi Mishka,
You've got a lot of good advice here.  Widowhood is isolating, AND motherhood is also isolating.  So hard. 
For me, and take any/all of this with a grain of salt, because it really is different for everyone, and everyone has their own circumstances, but for me, therapy was key and probably my #1 most important thing.  I realize it's not like that for everyone, but I leaned heavily on therapy as a time and place for me to allow myself to fall apart, so I could "be strong" in real life, whatever TF that came to mean.  I made a big effort to find widows on-line and in real life (this may have been a tie for #1), and made them the biggest part of my social  life, even just writing back and forth on-line.  I identified the people who could handle talking about "real" things in a "real" way - I ended up losing some friends, but I also gained new ones, by forgetting about being "shy" when meeting someone new who seemed like a good person (I mean friendship-wise).  I tried to be active physically, to capitalize on endorphins for feeling "up," when inside I felt so dark.  I tried to get lots of sunlight - didn't allow myself to sleep too late and made myself get out of the house - if I was going to sit around feeling sad, I was going to do it sitting on a bench somewhere pretty rather than in my living room while the day passed me by.  I avoided thinking too far in the future.  I tried to cling to very simple things for peace and, eventually, happiness - like ridiculously simple things, like, "The light on those leaves in the breeze is nice."  Like stripped it down to super basic stuff.  I wrote a lot, just to get my overwhelming feelings out of me.  I also clung to ritual, and part of that for me was going to synagogue once a week - this helped with a feeling of community and of being out in the world with others, and also gave me peace and comfort.  I visited his grave once a month - no more, no less.  I also watched lots of movies and binge-watched TV shows.  Healing takes place extremely gradually over a long period of time.  It's not something we're used to - having so little control.  I tried to accept the badness.   

[MR]

Hi Mishka,
Sorry to see you joining this club. We are here to listen to you so please keep writing. I had similar problems as limited friends and everyone else is overseas. I joined a single parents / divorced/ Widow(er) group where everyone was more understanding and ready to talk specially at late nights too as that was the time I use to get lonely. We do events some family and some adult ones.

Hugs
Manoj

[Christopher]

Hi Mishka,
You've got a lot of good advice here.  Widowhood is isolating, AND motherhood is also isolating.  So hard. 
For me, and take any/all of this with a grain of salt, because it really is different for everyone, and everyone has their own circumstances, but for me, therapy was key and probably my #1 most important thing.  I realize it's not like that for everyone, but I leaned heavily on therapy as a time and place for me to allow myself to fall apart, so I could "be strong" in real life, whatever TF that came to mean.  I made a big effort to find widows on-line and in real life (this may have been a tie for #1), and made them the biggest part of my social  life, even just writing back and forth on-line.  I identified the people who could handle talking about "real" things in a "real" way - I ended up losing some friends, but I also gained new ones, by forgetting about being "shy" when meeting someone new who seemed like a good person (I mean friendship-wise).  I tried to be active physically, to capitalize on endorphins for feeling "up," when inside I felt so dark.  I tried to get lots of sunlight - didn't allow myself to sleep too late and made myself get out of the house - if I was going to sit around feeling sad, I was going to do it sitting on a bench somewhere pretty rather than in my living room while the day passed me by.  I avoided thinking too far in the future.  I tried to cling to very simple things for peace and, eventually, happiness - like ridiculously simple things, like, "The light on those leaves in the breeze is nice."  Like stripped it down to super basic stuff.  I wrote a lot, just to get my overwhelming feelings out of me.  I also clung to ritual, and part of that for me was going to synagogue once a week - this helped with a feeling of community and of being out in the world with others, and also gave me peace and comfort.  I visited his grave once a month - no more, no less.  I also watched lots of movies and binge-watched TV shows.  Healing takes place extremely gradually over a long period of time.  It's not something we're used to - having so little control.  I tried to accept the badness.   

I did this as well because to me it is second nature. I was orphaned at a young age and widowed young too. It just happens. We keep moving forward.

I took this for granted so didn't mention it. I appreciate that you did. Thank you.

[piecesofapart]

So sorry for you loss. Your grief is still raw- when I was at that point- I reached out to a few widow groups.

Found one thru a church-was hesitant about going-I don't attend church- but it was free and I was desperate to find somewhere to go. The widows were 20+ or more years older than me...but loss of a spouse connected us.

I called several other churches- and none had groups-  but one of the pastors knew of a new widow (in my age range) and we connected by having coffee or lunch- it was just nice to talk with someone who got it- she lost her husband a year before I did- so she was a great resource on letting me know what I too might feel later on- and how she was able to get on.)

Also found a group (free) thru a hospital (they even had free sessions with grief counselors.

Funeral homes sometimes also list places.

Also found a widow group thru MeetUP. It was mainly social outings- dinners- concerts-card game afternoons but once a month they did have a meeting where talking about your grief was the main focus. I made friends with two other widows who lived nearby- which was really helpful- just to have someone to take a walk with- have a meal or see a movie and talk openly. They were both on the same timeline of loss I was - so it was helpful to connect with someone and know I was not alone or going crazy.

Sadly now after 4 years- those  connections have ended- by them ending the group meetings or even sadly the one grief counselor died. My two widow friends moved away- and the one widow I found thru calling the church re-married. So currently I have no connections with any widows...and I miss being able to just talk openly with someone who "gets it."

I've tried some other Facebook Widow groups- but have yet to find one where it does not depress me.
Honestly this group here is so amazing with some many wonderful people. I don't think I would have gotton this far without all the support here.

After 4 years, I now know I have to find the new me.
I've joined some groups- a book club, a hiking and yoga group. (found thru MeetUp).
I've picked up coloring-as a hobby- it helps keep me calm. There are many groups on Facebook for coloring and sometimes they have monthly coloring challenges- so that helps me keep busy with a project...and have made some On-line friends because of it. Also found an affordable place for massages.
I write in a journal...mostly song lyrics and poems- positive quotes I find on Pinerest...when I have a bad day- I read my journal and it helps.

It takes time to hash out a new "normal". It's not living- but at least I'm trying...
Wishing you peace...