Time Frame > Beyond the First Year (1+ years)

All the words I can't say

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Jen:
I was hoping I could type them, but that's a wash too. I don't feel I belong here anymore, but I don't have anywhere else to go. Three years, one month, 12 days... I had convinced myself (and my therapist!) that I was better. Moving forward, accepting the New Normal. Now it feels like I'm back at the beginning, back in hell-- only it's a different hell than the one I knew so well. This one is colder, grayer... emptier, although I can't understand how that's possible. I feel alone and helpless, broken and useless. Not depressed-- ironically, I've got that under control, thanks to well-adjusted medication and the aforementioned therapist's assistance. Just... resigned to this interminable bleakness. Or maybe not, since it's bothering me enough to write this.

I'm ashamed of feeling this way. Objectively, I look at my life now and I wonder what on earth I have to complain about. Anyone else would say I've got my crap together. But inside I don't. Inside I'm small and lost and scared that this is all there will ever be. I don't know where to go from here-- if this is recovery, it doesn't feel like anything I'd imagined.

I think I spent three years telling myself that if I hung on, if I worked hard and did the best I could-- if I was a Good Girl, in other words-- then my efforts would be recognized, and I'd be awarded my Get Out of Hell card. Now I'm starting to see that this really is permanent, there's no parole-- hell is a life sentence, and I'm in solitary confinement. Even Satan has turned his back on me.

Apologies for the grim (not to mention egocentric) content. Lately I've developed an intense need to be heard, but there hasn't been anybody to listen. I've exhausted whatever support I had-- the statute of limitations runs out for everyone else pretty quickly, after all. Y'all are all I have left, but I may be as much an outsider here as I am everywhere else. If that's the case, I'm sorry to intrude. And sorry to sound so pathetic, but I needed to get this out.

Peace,

Jen

Monique:
No need to apologize! I for one may be nearly 3 years behind you on this journey, so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I can still be sympathetic. I'm sorry you're feeling that emptiness again... I imagine none of us will ever completely escape it. Life is changed forever when you lose the person you love. But I hope that there are better days ahead for you, and I'll be here listening. Hugs...

BrokenHeart2:
I'm with Monique too Jen, I'll be here listening as well.  Keep posting and hang on girl. One day at a time. 
Hugs to you

Mizpah:
You will always belong here.  I only wish we could alleviate your suffering.  You're in my heart and in my hopes.

bromans:

--- Quote from: Monique on May 23, 2017, 02:05:22 AM ---No need to apologize! I for one may be nearly 3 years behind you on this journey, so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I can still be sympathetic.

--- End quote ---

--- Quote from: Mizpah on May 23, 2017, 11:30:52 AM ---You will always belong here.  I only wish we could alleviate your suffering. 

--- End quote ---

I'll echo these thoughts, and I'll be here listening. Hugs.

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