Author Topic: All the words I can't say  (Read 1884 times)

Jen

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All the words I can't say
« on: May 22, 2017, 11:20:55 PM »
I was hoping I could type them, but that's a wash too. I don't feel I belong here anymore, but I don't have anywhere else to go. Three years, one month, 12 days... I had convinced myself (and my therapist!) that I was better. Moving forward, accepting the New Normal. Now it feels like I'm back at the beginning, back in hell-- only it's a different hell than the one I knew so well. This one is colder, grayer... emptier, although I can't understand how that's possible. I feel alone and helpless, broken and useless. Not depressed-- ironically, I've got that under control, thanks to well-adjusted medication and the aforementioned therapist's assistance. Just... resigned to this interminable bleakness. Or maybe not, since it's bothering me enough to write this.

I'm ashamed of feeling this way. Objectively, I look at my life now and I wonder what on earth I have to complain about. Anyone else would say I've got my crap together. But inside I don't. Inside I'm small and lost and scared that this is all there will ever be. I don't know where to go from here-- if this is recovery, it doesn't feel like anything I'd imagined.

I think I spent three years telling myself that if I hung on, if I worked hard and did the best I could-- if I was a Good Girl, in other words-- then my efforts would be recognized, and I'd be awarded my Get Out of Hell card. Now I'm starting to see that this really is permanent, there's no parole-- hell is a life sentence, and I'm in solitary confinement. Even Satan has turned his back on me.

Apologies for the grim (not to mention egocentric) content. Lately I've developed an intense need to be heard, but there hasn't been anybody to listen. I've exhausted whatever support I had-- the statute of limitations runs out for everyone else pretty quickly, after all. Y'all are all I have left, but I may be as much an outsider here as I am everywhere else. If that's the case, I'm sorry to intrude. And sorry to sound so pathetic, but I needed to get this out.

Peace,

Jen
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Monique

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2017, 02:05:22 AM »
No need to apologize! I for one may be nearly 3 years behind you on this journey, so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I can still be sympathetic. I'm sorry you're feeling that emptiness again... I imagine none of us will ever completely escape it. Life is changed forever when you lose the person you love. But I hope that there are better days ahead for you, and I'll be here listening. Hugs...
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." --The Princess Bride

BrokenHeart2

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2017, 03:59:02 AM »
I'm with Monique too Jen, I'll be here listening as well.  Keep posting and hang on girl. One day at a time. 
Hugs to you
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Mizpah

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2017, 11:30:52 AM »
You will always belong here.  I only wish we could alleviate your suffering.  You're in my heart and in my hopes.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

bromans

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2017, 11:59:56 AM »
No need to apologize! I for one may be nearly 3 years behind you on this journey, so I don't have much experience to draw from, but I can still be sympathetic.
You will always belong here.  I only wish we could alleviate your suffering. 

I'll echo these thoughts, and I'll be here listening. Hugs.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2017, 12:35:30 PM by bromans »

Lisa

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2017, 12:32:30 PM »
please dont apologize and by all means keep posting, I know it feels like back sliding, but it isnt. grief changes. you may feel as if you are at day one but you arent. 3 years is a weird time. I thought I was doing well but I was out of control.
It takes much longer to be at peace with your past and present, please dont judge yourself. be kind to yourself.
hugs
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

oneoftwo

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2017, 01:12:08 PM »
Jen, Monique
(I was too tired to reply when I first read the original, sole two posts on this thread)

This is the reason I keep coming back to widda.org
There is someone who will write what is in my head, and someone who will reply with kindness

thank you

Monique

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2017, 02:04:09 PM »
oneoftwo-

Hugs to you too. I know what you mean- sometimes I don't have the right words to express what I'm feeling, but then I find someone here who DOES, and just reading other's experiences helps me to feel less alone.
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." --The Princess Bride

Euf

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2017, 05:25:55 PM »
I wrote something similar on the old board at around 3 years.  I wrote it a few more times as the years went by.   I worked so hard and made progress but when I actually looked at where I was, it seemed such a small step forward compared to the work and agony and frustration I’d been through. I tried not to compare myself to others but it was hard not to.

Every word you wrote. . .read that again. . . EVERY WORD YOU WROTE describes how I felt for what seemed like longer than everyone else.

One of the old time widows back on YWBB (I forget who it was) used to say that most of her healing happened between 5 and 10 years and it happened without her really noticing it.  I guess now I get to be the old time widow that says that.  I don’t mean things didn’t improve before 5 years but simply that between 5 & 10 years I started making leaps forward instead of inching my way through life. Still some backsliding but overall I kept going in the right direction.

I was what I considered a slow griever.  Maybe you are too.  So I just wanted to say that I did find my way through grief and came out on the other side of it.  I know how discouraging it seems at the point you are at but I am sending you a message from the future.

It’s OK to still feel the way you feel so try not to get  too discouraged. It may take longer than you once imagined. For some of us widowhood is a marathon and not a sprint but we still get to the finish line.

trying2breathe

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2017, 05:46:46 PM »
Jen  Three years and then some, I can relate.  You're not an outsider.  Big big hugs to you, I'm listening too
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Wheelerswife

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2017, 05:55:42 PM »
3 years and 4 months. Some days I seem to have it together. Other days, I feel like I am falling apart. It doesn't always feel safe to talk about the falling apart part...

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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RemysWife

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2017, 09:36:50 PM »
Grief comes and goes in such waves. The board is here so you have a place to get those feelings out. We're here for you and it's always good to look for support when you need it. ((Hugs))
"And still they lead me back
To the long, winding road
You left me standing here,
A long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here,
Lead me to your door."
The Beatles

Julester3

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2017, 10:26:05 PM »
You do belong here with the rest of us - I sometimes feel we are the real island of misfit toys. There is no wrong or right. There are days we will feel fine and days where we can't even contemplate the day at all. I still refuse to make any long term plans for myself. We do what we can to move from moment to moment and move onward. Point is we are but it doesn't matter how quickly or slowly - time is in arbitrary here in our own life space. There are days where nothing will make sense and days we will have such acute clarity. Hugs for you today - you may think you've exhausted your resources but you haven't.

Jen

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2017, 09:16:54 AM »
I wanted to respond to these last night, but it's hard to type when you're crying. Thank you all for your words and your understanding. I look around at other wids, other members of my "class" and even some a few months behind, and it seems like so many have... moved on. Found their new lives. New peace of mind. New love. Things I don't have and probably never will. I don't understand what's wrong with me (independent of my wid-hood, I've just always felt like an alien)-- I'm introverted and solitary by nature, so why am I so lonely? I used to write stories in which heroic princesses made daring rescues of innocent monsters from the clutches of nefarious knights-- so why in hell am I so hung up on the idea that I need to be saved? Why do I think re-coupling is the only way to survive this?

My rational self, if there is such a thing, doesn't really believe that. My pitifully scarred heart begs to differ. I honestly don't know how to reconcile the two. I get angry at myself when I start to slide into self-pity and despair-- I'm fine, I'm FINE, I have everything I need and the means to obtain most anything I want, so SHUT UP. Truthfully, there is very little that I do want, anyway. So why the moping and longing and aching for what's missing?

I feel like there are two Jens in here, and I don't know how to integrate them. They want diametrically opposite things, and they're both pretty insistent. I guess that means there's a third, the one writing this, who just wants some peace and quiet...

I swear I'm not as crazy as I sound. I have a professional's endorsement on that! I just... I'm lost. Still. I'm okay but I'm not. Mostly I feel like the clock is ticking and I'm no closer to resolving this than I was three years ago. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, but I can't see any alternative. It's like that old bear hunt song we sang in preschool: "can't go around it, gotta go through it." But haven't I gone through it long enough???

There's a line in Pierre, Natasha, and the Great Comet of 1812, referring to a folk divination technique-- you look into a mirror holding a candle and you'll see your future (a doting husband and lots of fat babies, if you're a 19th century Russian girl): "I see nothing but the candle in the mirror, no visions of the future, so lost and alone... " That plays pretty much nonstop in my head, while I protest that it doesn't matter, I'm perfectly fine. I should be, anyway. I've had three years to get over this. I barely remember how to be a wife or partner anyway. Why does it still feel like damnation?

I'm all over the place here. Thank you for letting me get it out of my brain.
« Last Edit: May 24, 2017, 12:20:48 PM by Jen »
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Mizpah

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2017, 12:07:25 PM »
It is NORMAL to want love.  There's NOTHING "wrong with you" for feeling lonely.  Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert or any of the (often nonsensical, constricting) classifications and definitions we impose upon ourselves, we crave closeness and care and connection, by creature nature.  For me, grief showed me that I needed to let go of what I thought I was, and let myself be.  You don't need to be saved and re-coupling isn't the only way to survive it, but didn't our lost loves show us that love is, as DH used to say, the ultimate prize in life?  We seek it, even when we wish we wouldn't, even when we don't want to, even when we wish we could just be satisfied with what we have.  Don't do this to yourself: "I've had three years to get over it, what's wrong with me?"  A life was extinguished.  Your life was hugely altered.  It's bad enough to feel so bad, but to feel badly about feeling bad....  Let yourself off the hook a little.  Don't judge yourself for wanting what we all want.  I hope you find some peace, and what you're longing for. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)