Author Topic: All the words I can't say  (Read 1939 times)

Trying

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2017, 02:15:42 PM »
I love what Mizpah said.  We all need to treat ourselves with the same gentleness and understanding that we treat each other.  You have every right to your feelings, as conflicting as they may seem at times.  I also think it is natural to crave connection to another person, we all had that once so wanting it again makes sense, not as a "fix" but as an enhancement to our complicated lives. 

Something I am working on with myself that struck me with your post is learning to enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination.  Easier said than done but the future can be daunting and full of so many unknowns.  This and the temptation to compare ourselves to others.  For you it's fellow wids here, for me it's other mom's on damn FB with their perfect lives and perfect kids.  I know that it's mostly illusion but I often fall into the trap of feeling less than. 

You belong here, nothing is wrong with you.
You will forever be my always.

Jen

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #16 on: May 25, 2017, 06:27:40 PM »
(((Hugs))) Thank you for hearing me. It helps more than I can say. I keep telling myself this will pass, feelings change... it feels like a lie. I don't want to stay mired here and then wake up one day to find that I've wasted ten years, fifteen, more. I'm so tired of being miserable, but I can't manage to hold onto anything else. Maybe the problem is that, deep down, I think I deserve misery.

Statistics aren't on my side, as far as Chapter 2 chances go. If I could just accept that, it might help... so far, no dice. Sigh.



I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Suki1

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #17 on: May 26, 2017, 08:48:28 PM »
Hi Jen, I'm just a couple of months behind you on the timeline. When I first found YWBB, months after my husband's passing, I would read your posts and think, "But that's exactly how I feel!" Some of the things I was thinking, I didn't dare tell anyone I knew. Not that they would have understood, anyhow. But so many of your posts echoed my thoughts, and reading what you wrote made me see I wasn't entirely alone. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. There were days when I read some of them over and over again. I will always be grateful to you for posting so honestly.

Nobody ever asks me how I'm doing. Nobody even seems to remember that I once had a husband I loved. This is still the one place I know I can come where people will understand. So don't feel you don't belong, or aren't welcome. We're here to help each other, and burdens are lighter when you have someone to help you carry them.

Sending you LOTS of hugs.

Mrskro

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #18 on: May 26, 2017, 10:12:20 PM »
Quote
"I see nothing but the candle in the mirror, no visions of the future, so lost and alone... " That plays pretty much nonstop in my head, while I protest that it doesn't matter, I'm perfectly fine. I should be, anyway. I've had three years to get over this. I barely remember how to be a wife or partner anyway. Why does it still feel like damnation?

Jen; 

I'm a bit behind you, timeline wise, in 4 months and a bit, it will be 3 years,  my God how did it get to be three years. 

I've missed you on the board and your honesty,  I could never put into words the way I felt like you did, but I heard you, I am you.   I'm sorry, I couldn't say, well write my feelings out like you did, maybe I should have to help you too. 

In so many ways, I'm over the loss of my partner, my husband, I am definitely not over the loss of my kids father.  I know that part never goes away. 

I sit here and wonder where I went.  I am an introvert too, honestly most of the time I'd rather be home by myself, work takes most of my socializing energy away, and at this point anyone I'd like to have socialized with is tired of me.  My DH was my energy, he helped me deal with people, he helped me get the energy I needed to deal, and now that's gone too.  But I used to be able to, I used to love being around some people, now I decline invites more than I accept. 

I don't know if it's dealing with the kids and their lives, their friends without a buffer sucks any life out of me that I may have had, or if its this shitty hand I've been dealt.  My therapist says I'm an introvert, dealing with people is draining,  I think I need a new one,  I knew that going in. 

Anyway, I could ramble on, but please know you are not an outsider.   And I hear you!




Bunny

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2017, 10:56:52 AM »
Thank you for starting this thread. Your words have always moved me and I've been worrying about you. It's funny how much love you can have in your heart for a complete stranger. It feels like this site has not yet made it to the place the old board had reached, where people felt more comfortable sharing the raw and ugly and scary feelings. I think it's important to keep posting stuff like this (please). Hopefully it will inspire someone else to feel safe enough to be completely honest about where their head is at.

I'm also a slow griever. It's five years next month (and I am in a good relationship) and I am struggling still. But it is different, evolving, and I'm having trouble putting any of it into words, so most of the time I just don't try anymore. It feels embarrassing, or something. I do remember the long time widow Euf mentioned from the old board (all that lost wisdom makes me so sad) and her words give me hope that it won't always be like this.

Keep writing -even when it feels stupid and pointless and whiny. Keep sharing- even when it feels you are the last one straggling behind everyone else. Because there are people reading your words who are not bold enough to share their own but need desperately to see they are not alone.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #20 on: May 28, 2017, 11:04:12 AM »
Very well said Bunny!!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Jen

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2017, 11:56:19 PM »
I was trying to explain to a coworker earlier how I feel these days. I don't miss Jim-- I mean, yes, of course I miss him, I always will-- but it's not the constant ache it used to be. Now more than anything I miss... belonging. Being part of a unit. No matter who I'm with these days, I'm on the outside looking in. I can't imagine ever finding another partner-- I guess it's technically possible, but so is my winning the powerball while getting struck by lightning. Anything is possible... it's just not very likely.

People tend to laugh uncomfortably when I express this opinion, but they don't contradict me, either. Lately that's made me very bitter. What's so terrible about me, that nobody could ever want me? I know I think that about myself, but does everyone else have to think it as well?

I feel like such a failure in life. I blew my one chance at lasting happiness because I didn't take care of what I had. I took him for granted, and discovered too late that he was literally one in 7 billion. Now I get to spend the next three or four decades repenting at leisure.

I know this is not the sort of attitude that is going to get me very far. Self-pity is ugly and pointless. But that's where I am, and I don't know how to get out.

Thank you. All of you. *hugs* It helps to be heard.

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

MR

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #22 on: May 29, 2017, 03:28:52 PM »
I am only 9 months out and some days are difficult to handle then others. Reading all above kind of made me sad but also prepare me for what will or can come.
Hugs

Jen

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2017, 03:01:23 AM »
Reading all above kind of made me sad but also prepare me for what will or can come.
Hugs

I am so, so sorry. That's exactly why I hesitate to post, because I don't want to scare anyone. Maybe I should start with "results not typical " or something... "your mileage may vary." From where I sit, I'm more the exception than the rule-- but that could just be my personal bias. We're all the tragic hero (ine) of our own dramas, you know?

In my mind, I'm stuck in purgatory while all around me I see "classmates" moving on, graduating, getting out. My rational side knows better, but it gets drowned out by the melodramatic woe-is-me side that's forever shrieking, "DOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!"

I see others get through and move forward. I have no doubt that it's possible, even likely-- for anyone but me. I'm pretty much convinced that this is the end of the line. I would love to be proved wrong, but...

Sometimes I want to yell and scream "it's not fair!" at the top of my lungs, even though I'm aware that life isn't fair and plenty of people are worse off than I am and it is what it is and so on... I have a meltdown and post here, because it's safe and I feel understood. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, lonely and sad and resentful. Right now I don't see any alternative. But that's just me-- my doom, my Shakespearean tragedy. Most people seem to do better.

Please forgive my self-absorbed wallowing. I just really needed to talk it out a bit.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

BrokenHeart2

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #24 on: May 30, 2017, 03:24:39 AM »
Hey Jen, do you ever take the time to "yell and scream "it's not fair!" at the top of my lungs"?  Sometimes it can be cathartic.  Lord knows I have done it and I must admit it helps! You have no idea if you are the only one feeling this way at your time frame.  You never know if others are reading and thinking "wow, glad I'm not the only one".  Cut yourself some slack and just keep on going. 
One other thing I do, is not compare myself to anyone else.  I'm the only one that has walked in my shoes and it does me no benefit to compare myself to others.  We are all unique in our own quirky ways! Wouldn't this world be so boring if we were all the same.
Hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

iloveyoualways

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #25 on: May 31, 2017, 12:53:56 AM »
Hi Jen, thanks for being so honest. I rarely post my true feelings as I'm over six years out on this shitty journey. I believe my widowhood journey has been very slow and atypical due to compounded losses. I don't want my honesty to scare any newbies but also feel like nobody in my time frame will understand. So I keep quiet. And it eats me up. I have gone through so many angry seas I think that I would know how to navigate them by now. Nope, I don't. Last night I was having a dream with my husband, a very rare one, and I was angry at him because I had to pay for the childcare even though he was not working.

I expect negative things to happen now. I find that when I'm anticipating something positive, like my degree or professional registration that I just attained, my mood doesn't match the accomplishment. Like I can't feel proud or happy. There's a man at work who I though that I had a crush on. I only realized my crush when I found out he now has a girlfriend. I was a little jealous. I felt like I had many chances to make a move but he would never be who my husband was so what was the point? But I realize that I've had relationships since I was fifteen and have wanted other ones after breakups. Maybe I don't deserve the happiness that I once had. Or maybe I feel unwanted and ugly now. Part of me can't fathom another loss so I feel like I've turned off the capacity for that emotion. I have very few meaningful relationships but don't feel lonely either anymore. I think that it may be complicated grief in my case but feel like I'm not grieving like I was three years ago.

It has gotten a little better these last two years. For me I have taken it a day at a time to stay alive. If I thought too far ahead I couldn't cope. I had so many things figured out in my previous life and everything came down like a deck of cards.

I hope that you keep posting as someone understands and may not be able to expresses themselves as well as you. And please know that you are not alone.

oneoftwo

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #26 on: May 31, 2017, 10:33:48 AM »
Jen,
I'm Eeyoring right next to you, I think this plateau is unending.
I'm a long way out, even other folks on this board have said "oh, just give it time" - not knowing how long it's been. I think this is just it now.

Jen

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #27 on: June 01, 2017, 08:16:51 PM »
"I think this is just it now." -- Exactly. And that terrifies me. I've never been a patient person; I want things resolved now. I've done the work. I've come to terms with my bereavement. For the longest time, I wanted nothing more in the world than to wake up dead-- but I stuck it out, I stayed around. Yay me, but it looks suspiciously like there's no one waiting to hand me a medal for continuing to breathe.

I guess what I'm getting at is... What was the point?? All the anguish and despair, struggling through the abyss when I just wanted to stop-- what was it all for, if this is all that was waiting on the other side?

I know, I know. That's defeatist, pessimistic-- it's only been three years, anything could happen. We all know that life can change completely in a single heartbeat. And yeah, that's what I would tell anybody else in this situation. But myself? I can't see it. It feels like I'm running out of time.

I do scream sometimes, even if it's just into my pillow or on paper, because it really isn't fair. I had so much capacity in me for love, but nobody wants it. I wish I could just accept it and quit thinking about it.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Jen

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #28 on: June 21, 2017, 05:30:53 PM »
Struggling today-- hopelessness, self-loathing, wondering why I'm still here. I realize that healthy, well-adjusted people don't feel this way about themselves, but I don't know how not to. I look back at my life and see so much wasted potential-- or maybe just the deluded belief that I ever had any. I try to look ahead, and there's.... nothing. Years and years of the same emptiness. I can't even blame it on widowhood-- I've reached the conclusion that it's an inherent flaw in my mechanism. When Jim was here, he gave me stability, safety, encouragement-- all the things I crave and can't provide for myself.

Someone told me once, "We all have to learn to self-soothe." I'm trying, I really am... just can't manage it today.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

jgib

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Re: All the words I can't say
« Reply #29 on: June 21, 2017, 05:52:15 PM »
I was trying to explain to a coworker earlier how I feel these days. I don't miss Jim-- I mean, yes, of course I miss him, I always will-- but it's not the constant ache it used to be. Now more than anything I miss... belonging. Being part of a unit. No matter who I'm with these days, I'm on the outside looking in. I can't imagine ever finding another partner-- I guess it's technically possible, but so is my winning the powerball while getting struck by lightning. Anything is possible... it's just not very likely.

People tend to laugh uncomfortably when I express this opinion, but they don't contradict me, either. Lately that's made me very bitter. What's so terrible about me, that nobody could ever want me? I know I think that about myself, but does everyone else have to think it as well?

I feel like such a failure in life. I blew my one chance at lasting happiness because I didn't take care of what I had. I took him for granted, and discovered too late that he was literally one in 7 billion. Now I get to spend the next three or four decades repenting at leisure.

I know this is not the sort of attitude that is going to get me very far. Self-pity is ugly and pointless. But that's where I am, and I don't know how to get out.

Thank you. All of you. *hugs* It helps to be heard.

I can certainly say, in all honesty, you are not alone.....