Author Topic: A Radio Hell Group Project - please contribute thoughts and feelings  (Read 1115 times)

Michael797

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Re: A Radio Hell Group Project - please contribute thoughts and feelings
« Reply #15 on: July 22, 2017, 12:10:32 PM »
Update on the project: Yesterday marked the three-year sadiversary of losing my fiancée, and next week will be the three-month sadiversary of losing my son (kinda interesting how the symmetry sort of happened, ain't it?). It's been a while since my last post, sorry. As so many of you already know, things often get really really worse in the life of a BP, and that's what's been happening here of late. Apologies for lack of responses to PMs as well. This post is an attempt to address my social failures of the past several weeks.

My son's mother has made arrangements with his school to provide an annual scholarship for some needy student to be awarded in my son's name. If nobody has any serious objections, I'd like to publish the results of this project on Amazon as an eBook with proceeds going to the scholarship in an attempt to keep my son's candle burning for as long as I can.

Acknowledgements are due to Jenni, who has graciously provided me the opportunity to house-sit at her place while she's taking her family on a vacation. As a result of the solitude, I've managed to get twenty-seven pages written for the aforementioned booklet/project.

Later on this week, I will attempt to offer up an excerpt to you folks so you can see where the whole thing is headed. Additional thanks to Monique and TS for their contributions, whether intentional or accidental. If any of you three feel you should be entitled to a percentages of the profit (unlikely as the concept of profit may be, given the work), please let me know and I will accommodate.

Regardless, I can't help but feel grateful to the community in general for letting me get away with so much bullshit for the past three years. I cannot attempt to do your kindnesses any justice with the crap I'm going to publish; rest assured that I wouldn't dream of speaking for any of you. That's a promise.


Michael797

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Re: A Radio Hell Group Project - please contribute thoughts and feelings
« Reply #16 on: July 25, 2017, 10:00:16 AM »
As sort of promised, here's a sample of the aforementioned work, which has sort of grown to nearly fifty pages now. It's still rough, obviously, but I'm out of smooth edges. Warnings about enjoyment are probably unnecessary.

PRE-RAMBLE

Time and technology have, in remarkable ways, advanced the cause of helping humans to survive the catastrophic loss of someone close to them. Hordes of books, lists, words of advice, prayers, and other anthologies of consolation are readily available to anyone at the push of a few buttons (provided you can figure out where the buttons are). There are also plenty of places that someone attempting to help a grieving friend or family member can find useful information to assist in recovery.

Having said all that, the work that you are reading does NOT provide answers, comfort, or solace in any way, any usefulness of the information that follows to help someone who is mourning a loved one is purely coincidental. So there’s that.

Further, the author wishes to warn anyone unfortunate enough to be reading this diatribe that the rants, pathos, bombast, and despair contained herein do NOT intentionally reflect the feelings and thoughts of other bereaved people. It’s a simple fact that if a bereaved person somehow finds something relatable in the pages of this book, it is either an unholy coincidence or a clear sign that they are not doing very well at all.

Lucky breaks were hard for me to come by even in those halcyon days of pre-bereavement. I did not lead a charmed life by anyone’s definition. I really only experienced two genuinely positive breaks late in my life; the first was when my son was born. The second was when I met the woman who would become my fiancée.

Neither of them are around anymore. Any illusions of recovery from losing my fiancée were snatched away by the death of my son less than three years later.

What do you suppose that might do to someone who was already pretty unstable to begin with?

A smart person would take this opportunity to shut this book like a cheap window, punch up IHeartRadio on your favorite device, and put “Wind Beneath My Wings” in a repeating queue if they were looking for something resembling comfort.

So why does this book exist in the first place? I’ll admit that, with so many people trying to survive genuinely acute and piercing pain, the world really didn’t need an angry, crazy old codger spewing bullshit about how the world and everyone in it was the source of endless horror. I was truly leaning toward just abandoning altogether any idea of a book and spending the rest of my now-few days simply crawling toward an overdue demise.

Shortly after I had made the decision to give up the project, I had a conversation with a widowed friend of mine about a cousin of hers who committed suicide. He was in his 20’s and, for all appearances, had a great deal going for him. The suicide came literally out of nowhere. He had taken an apartment in a high-rise development; one day he crawled out of a window and quietly leapt to his death.

The family was, as could be expected, in shock and profoundly devastated. Their lives were likewise demolished; no longer able to feel happiness or excitement toward anything that used to be part of their lives, they now simply stumble quietly from moment to moment, likely unwilling or unable to handle anything that might invite further angst. Bereaved folks know that feeling pretty well.

It was the stumbling quietly that pushed me over the tipping point. I decided that, like it or fuck it, the world was indeed going to get an angry, crazy old codger spewing bullshit about how the world and everyone in it was the source of endless despair after all.

You can ignore me and this book all you wish, of course. For me, this is one final, pointless gesture to serve as a reminder to anyone unfortunate enough to come across this book that life isn’t all Jesus and Disney for everyone.

Finally, for anyone who thought that the author deserved, for whatever reasons, to suffer eternal torment for his past actions toward them, I trust you will take satisfaction from knowing that your wishes have been granted. You know who you are; hope you’re happy.

For the rest – it’s your world, not mine anymore. Frankly, I don’t really care what you do with it. But people who have suffered such acute loss shouldn’t have to pay my karmic debts.

This book is a cautionary tale, nothing more. If you've never felt like this and never want to, good for you. I hope you somehow avoid the hell I found myself in.

BrokenHeart2

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  • Widowed 2013
Re: A Radio Hell Group Project - please contribute thoughts and feelings
« Reply #17 on: July 25, 2017, 10:20:04 AM »
There's a hell of a lot of pain in them there words Michael.
" I decided that, like it or fuck it, the world was indeed going to get an angry, crazy old codger spewing bullshit about how the world and everyone in it was the source of endless despair after all." I would hardly call it bullshit but that is your prerogative.  You may just never know who you might help get through a similar hell that you are going through by writing this book.  I hope it somehow helps you, even if it's just a smidgen, sort through all of what's happened. 
I wish I could just give you a hug.  This virtual hug will have to do.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

TooSoon

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Re: A Radio Hell Group Project - please contribute thoughts and feelings
« Reply #18 on: July 26, 2017, 12:02:28 PM »
Michael,  just popping in to say that our driveway looks like the parking lot at a diner during the early bird special between your behemoth and Andy's vintage Olds.   8)  See you soon.  xoxo