Time Frame > Beyond the First Year (1+ years)

Letter to my husband at 1 year death anniversary

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A letter to my husband on the one year anniversary of your death,

I can't believe it's been a whole year. How can that be possible. I just talked to you in the kitchen. We said "good bye" and "I love you" and then you died later that day. It seems like 5 minutes ago and 20 years at the same time. Was that even us? I barely remember being that woman.

I just miss you so much! I miss everything about you. I miss being us. I miss being a family. I miss the look in our daughter's eyes when you walked into a room. You were our light. It's so dark without you.

Sometimes I'm so mad at you. How could you leave us. How could you abandon me with our baby. She needs her father. I know it's not your fault. You wanted to live. It was a stupid accident, you were working to take care of us. I blame myself too.

I'm really trying to get better and move forward but somedays I fail miserably. It's so hard being a single mom, I'm always exhausted.

I'm dating someone. I might love him. It's not like the love we had but he gets me most of the time and I'm so lonely. He's not you but he's good in his own way. I hope you understand. I still love you but you're not coming back and I need a connection with someone here.

I'm so sorry for everything. I wish I could give you my life. I wish none of this happened. I still think about you everyday. Our girl will know how amazing her father was. I'll never forget the love you gave me and the joy you brought into my life. My heart still aches for you. I'll love you till there is no me.

Love, P


The first anniversary can be so difficult.  On the first anniversary of my first husband's death, I was in love with the man who became my second husband.  Not many people could grasp that, but it was right.  Don't be afraid to love if that is how you feel.

More hugs,


So very beautiful.  Made me teary.  Thinking of you and your daughter.  I get angry when people "speak for the dead," but I can't help but think he'd be so proud of you.

Beautiful letter GG. 

Thanks for responding. My emotions are still all over the place but I do have some good days now. They're not good like before my husband died but they're better than the first 6 months. I don't think life will ever really be good like that again but anything is better than the pain I felt in the very beginning.

The pain still hits me hard sometimes. Like all of you know it seems to come in waves. At least now I know the wave will pass eventually even if it will return. I've just learned to enjoy the good moments when I have them.

I never imagined I would end up in a relationship so quickly but it really did just happen. Falling in love again is exciting and terrifying. Calling someone my boyfriend is bizarre. I'm still not completely comfortable with it and not totally out with everyone I know. Some part of me feels guilty. I still love my husband and I'm falling in love with another man at the same time, it's a strange thing.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I needed to get all this out somewhere and you are my people at heart.


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