Author Topic: why I can't be happy  (Read 656 times)

momof2obs

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
why I can't be happy
« on: May 30, 2017, 09:13:27 AM »
I just found out some wonderful news.  A friend of mine who was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer late last year has been told that the cancer is gone and is she is in remission.  She, naturally, is thrilled and praises God for curing her.

Me?  I am very happy for her but keep going back to the thought that if God is so wonderful, why didn't he cure my husband's cancer?  My husband had more prayers and masses said in his name than anyone else I know.  Why weren't they answered? Was he not deserving of living out the rest of his life?  Are my children not as deserving of having their father? Or am I to be punished for not having the large amount of faith that he had?

While I can see the joy that my friend has with her second chance at life, I am truly saddened at the fact that I feel robbed...robbed at my own family's loss.  The more I read her posts on social media about how God is great for curing her, the more I want to curl  up in a ball and let the feelings of hopelessness take over.  I guess it doesn't help that the rain has been falling, tomorrow will be 7 months and my friends have been pulling away.


Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1630
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2017, 09:59:34 AM »
I can relate to what you are feeling because I have had the same reaction to people praising God for answering their prayers or saying things like "God must have plans for you still here".  My DH also had countless prayers and masses said for him. He was a good man with so much left to do here. If God only saved the good and punished the less deserving with terminal disease or fatal accidents we would have no rapists, murderers, terrorists or other bad people.  My prayers have changed a bit since the loss of my Dad and DH. I now pray that people have the strength to endure whatever struggle they are facing regardless of the outcome. I don't pray for God to pick one person to save over another.

Don't beat yourself up for the way you are feeling. I'm sure you are very happy for your friend despite the fact that her good results highlight how you and your DH were cheated. Life is not fair and it's ok to be mad about that sometimes.
You will forever be my always.

Mizpah

  • Member
  • Posts: 745
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2017, 10:34:21 AM »
My MIL was haunted and tortured by these questions - constantly asking why - why him, why then, why this, why me, etc., etc.  I immediately initially said, "There is no why."  This complete conviction, that there is randomness and chance in life, I think spared me some of this.  I realize it's silly to say - "hey, just think the way I think."  I wished she could have though, and you too.  I hope you find some peace from this.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

MissingBilly

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2017, 12:15:16 PM »
My MIL was haunted and tortured by these questions - constantly asking why - why him, why then, why this, why me, etc., etc.  I immediately initially said, "There is no why."  This complete conviction, that there is randomness and chance in life, I think spared me some of this.  I realize it's silly to say - "hey, just think the way I think."  I wished she could have though, and you too.  I hope you find some peace from this.

My DH very much believed this, and I do too--life is a deck of cards, and he just had a stupid card (cancer) come out of the deck. There is no why, as you said. Doesn't mean it can't be devastating to those left behind, and that we can't be full of whys and wishes that it hadn't, but none of us really have any control over how our lives play out in the big picture. As you said, there is a level of peace in that approach, and certainly it has given me some peace in knowing that that was how he felt about it. (He also was completely content with the life he had lived, even in its shortened state. He did so much with his shortened time.)

On my stronger days, I use this to remind myself of the underlying truth when I look at my future and imagine decades without him. He died at 55--I am 50. What if I only have five years left? Random is random.



Bunny

  • Member
  • Posts: 279
  • widowed 2012
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2017, 01:22:31 PM »
I hate when people use God to explain their good fortune. It makes me wanna be super snarky and say 'Well, I guess He must really hate all those little kids who die from cancer, huh?' But then I'd have to hear about how God just needed some more angels.

It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Julester3

  • Member
  • Posts: 401
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2017, 03:14:53 PM »
I don't blame god for what happened. I happen to blame genetics for giving us the cards we were dealt. The kids are questioning their faith though so they have had no interest in going to church and I have to admit I'm not feeling very spiritual either.

bdean38

  • Member
  • Posts: 23
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2017, 10:04:18 AM »
Momof2obs, I think all of those feelings and questions are completely normal. I know I've thought them as well and I'd say I'm strong in my faith. I also know we live in a broken world where evil, sickness, and death have been around since the beginning. None of this is new. It just feels new when it hits us and shatters our heart and our lives. As much as I love and enjoy life, if I were sick, suffering, and struggling to live everyday, I would have no problem telling the good Lord to come and take me from this hell on earth... to be in a much better place than this. But that's just me :)

momof2obs

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2017, 12:53:15 PM »
Thanks all for the input.  It's nice to be able to share with people who understand what I am feeling (and to hear that it is "normal"). 

These days, I just hug my kids a little harder and recognize that we still have each other and there is no one who is better than us.

bdean38

  • Member
  • Posts: 23
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2017, 01:06:40 PM »

These days, I just hug my kids a little harder and recognize that we still have each other and there is no one who is better than us.

Beautifully written and great attitude!

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2017, 04:20:45 PM »
God doesn't micro manage.

You can't ask him  to remove the pain of your hangnail and then when the pain goes away thank god for answering your prayers. It healed, through a natural process of science. You healed yourself.

The way I see it is prayers are a way to meditate, to get humans through rough times, give them some hope when times are desperate, allow them to talk to someone when there seems like no one else around. Praying is a worthwhile endeavor when going through a tough time, but not because they will be "answered" but because they are therapeutic.
 
PS I am not religious but I do see for some a need to have faith.
<a data-flickr-embed="true"  href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/76752159@N08/35633945020/in/dateposted-public/" title="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"><img src="https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4308/35633945020_f20f4231a2.jpg" width="300" height="225" alt="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"></a><script async src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

AbronLee

  • Member
  • Posts: 1
Re: why I can't be happy
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2017, 09:21:30 AM »
My MIL was haunted and tortured by these questions - constantly asking why - why him, why then, why this, why me, etc., etc.  I immediately initially said, "There is no why."  This SizeGenetics review https://pewarriors.com/sizegenetics-review-and-results complete conviction, that there is randomness and chance in life, I think spared me some of this.  I realize it's silly to say - "hey, just think the way I think."  I wished she could have though, and you too.  I hope you find some peace from this.

Hey you can still be happy!
« Last Edit: October 31, 2017, 01:38:54 AM by AbronLee »