Day 8

[Mac_Encheeze]

Hello. I am new here. Someone recommended this site to me a few days ago.

As is obvious, I've been having a rough go at the loss of my wife. I haven't slept much and ensure and smoothies are what's keeping me running. I have already lost close to 15lbs. I just can't believe this is our life. Today has been gentler. But shower cries are still a normal thing. I am fortunate that my parents let me move back in, I'm 34. She was 31. And my family and family friends packed up our apartment and moved us out. I can't bring myself to sleep in the bed in the room that  I'm sleeping in. I've been sleeping on the floor next to the bed. .

I'm taking her ashes back to Connecticut, where her mother lives, next week. I've picked those up today and they're on the night stand.

Already I am counting my victories. I've showered and brushed my teeth everyday. And I have made plans to go to chicago in April. Which is where we first met. Same dates, same hotel. Same hotel room.

A lot of are friends amazed at how strong I'm being. And I just don't see it. But if they say so.

I guess that's it for now. Do y'all ask questions? I haven't figured out what goes on here. Thank you for reading and I apologize if this seems scatter brained.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hi Mac.  I am so sorry for your loss of your dear wife.  Welcome to the group that nobody wants to belong to and we're glad you found us.  Apologizes are certainly not necessary here because we get what you're going through.  We are or have been there.  I am 4 yrs out and I know I was right where you are back then. Please remember to drink lots of water as crying is dehydrating.  I don't think I ever cried so much in my life after I lost DH (Dear Husband).
If you want to come here and just talk about anything that's in your head, go ahead and do that. You will find that someone somehow can totally relate while others may not because although we have the loss of our spouse as common our grief is unique as we all are
Showered and brushed your teeth every day, you're doing a lot better than I did.  I just didn't give a crap until I had to because...well we won't go there LOL
Remember to breathe Mac and come back and also read others posts, I found that helped me, it just may help you
Hugs to you Mac.

[Julester3]

I am sorry you are here with us. It's good you have family and friends to lend you support. I also think those are great victories considering you are 8 days out. Often, I find it's the little normal things that seem insignificant to most people that really helps get you in a groove of some sort again. I was happy to get showered and dressed in fresh clothes the first few days but I often cry in the shower too because my husband loved to hijack my showers as often as he could. Now I shower as fast as I can so I don't start my day with a cry but at least I got a shower in the end and that's the good thing.

Definitely read around here. It helps to give an insight I swear is hard to find anywhere else. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Hugs!

I'm in Chicago so if you just need a kindred spirit while you are here, keep me in mind. 

[Mac_Encheeze]

Thank you so much, Brokenheart.

What makes it really hard for me is that i found her. And I feel so much guilt. About our entire relationship because I wasn't always the best. But that's relationships as a whole, isn't it? I loved her with all my heart and she did too as well.

What I really feel guilty about was that I was at work that night and I could've been home. I could've switched with someone. But I didn't feel like it. So she went alone. And our poor dogs were with here. Did they try to wake her so they could go out? Did they cuddle up against her? She was alone. And that makes me torn up the most. If I was home maybe I could've done something. We're still not sure what happened. The ME said it's going to be 6 weeks to 6 months. So I have at least 6 months of wondering.

There's literally no reason as to why she's not here anymore. None that I could think of.

Finding her has been the worst part. I've pin pointed the time between 10:30pm-11:15pm and I got home at 6am. The way I was able to was by looking at her phone. Seeing her messages and missed phone calls from her mom.

Every time I close my eyes I see her. Every time I look anywhere I see her as I found her

Fortunately for me, I'm not a self destructive person. So I don't have to worry about what I would do. And no one else has to worry about me in that way.

[Mac_Encheeze]

Oh. Another victory for myself. I've decided to see a grief counselor. I know I need some sort of help. So I will seek it out. I'm not too proud.

[BrokenHeart2]

Could shoulda woulda please try not to let that eat you up.  As for the council lying, I went for a year.  No shame in that.  Mine helped me to process it at my own pace. She was wonderful and I was so glad I went.
Way to go Mac!
Hugs

[Trying]

I'm glad you have decided to try grief counseling.  It must be awful not knowing exactly what happened, I hope the answers come sooner than they expect.  This is a wonderful group to find support, to feel less alone and less crazy while you are navigating your grief.  For now, try not to look too far ahead, focus on the basics like you are and be patient with yourself.  The one thing you can be sure of with grief is the inconsistency of emotions and reactions day to day and Minute to Minute.  This is one of the worst things a person can experience, unimaginable to those around you who haven't been through it, accept whatever support friends and family offer but realize they will be limited at times by their lack of understanding.  I was very angry with people for what I thought were insensitive comments but at almost 4 years out I realize they just couldn't understand completely but tried their best because they loved me.