Author Topic: Like stubbing your toe  (Read 384 times)

JeanGenie

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Like stubbing your toe
« on: June 09, 2017, 05:50:36 AM »
That is what I likened the sudden onslaught of unexpected tears last night. It came suddenly and was painful. The only difference was I didn't stub my toe and so what specifically triggered this I don't know.

I sat on the back steps last night watching a pair of foxes playing in the back yard. I enjoyed watching them while a hummingbird flitted in and out. It was peaceful and I appreciated that I was able to stop and take it all in. Enjoy the moment...what I try to remember to do every day. And I did. I sat and watched them for about an hour ignoring tasks I was hoping to get done instead. So that was a good thing.

As I sat there, the thought did cross my mind how I wish DH was here to see this. He would have sat with me and I would have had someone to share the moment with. Oh well...after 4 years, I do find I'm getting used to this and I can acknowledge the thought and move on without it consuming me.

But as I laid my head on my pillow last night, the sudden onslaught of tears and sadness overwhelmed me. Where did this come from? Was my brain finally catching up to that moment hours before? Was it some old photos I was going through earlier in the evening? Is it the fact that our wedding anniversary is next week? I'm not quite sure and thankfully sleep overcame me.

This morning I'm up, the sun shining, and it's the start of just another day. I would question whether my little breakdown last night actually happened, except the balled up tissue was still in my hand when I awoke.

I guess that's the good thing and why I liken last night to "stubbing your toe"....the pain can still come suddenly when you're not looking but then it goes away just as quickly and I move on and not allow it to continue to grip me.  At least not this time...
I miss how happy I was with you.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Like stubbing your toe
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2017, 06:24:32 AM »
Yes JG good analogy and I get it so well.  I have been thinking lately about how it is different for me too at just over 4 yrs.  Early out I really never thought I'd get here and I am so thankful that I am.
"Where did it come from?" Probably all those things you stated.  Remember early out each one of those things would bring on the onslaught and now it seems, most of the time anyway for me, it is cumulative before the onslaught happens.
To having more "grip-less" days!! :)
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

trying2breathe

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Re: Like stubbing your toe
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2017, 10:26:51 AM »
At almost 4 years, I too have those occasional teary times and ask myself why now?  It's usually at a time when I slow down, can look around and really take things in.


I sat with my two young adult children at dinner out a few nights ago - they were deep in conversation with each other and I looked across the table at them bantering, realized that I was sitting across from them alone, and thought how LH would have loved to be here and have this time with us.  "He would have sat with me and I would have had someone to share the moment with".  <<  It's stuff like this that brings me to tears.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Like stubbing your toe
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2017, 04:45:58 PM »
I too have been where you were with your 2 children T2B, only it was at my nieces graduation at a restaurant.  First time out to a big gathering like that, I watched the teens yakking it up while the parents were getting the bill and bantering/joking with each other about paying.  Melancholy hit me, they have no idea is what I thought to myself. "Sharing the moment" yup it's just those moments that gets you sometimes. Oh I miss that life I had. Once again, it is what it is.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2017, 04:49:08 PM by BrokenHeart2 »
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.