Author Topic: A bad day  (Read 588 times)

TooSoon

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A bad day
« on: June 11, 2017, 07:31:22 PM »
God damn, an inexplicable bad day now feels worse than the early times. I'm so sad and tired and weepy tonight.

BrokenHeart2

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  • Widowed 2013
Re: A bad day
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2017, 07:44:44 PM »
You too TS.  Not sure what going on with us.  This time at 4 yrs, just know you are not alone.  I wonder if it feels worse because maybe we think it shouldn't still be happening.  I wish I had ATJ's eloquent words for you but I don't. Let it out, feel it and may tomorrow bring a smoother path for you.
Gentle hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

JeanGenie

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Re: A bad day
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2017, 08:00:36 PM »
Oh TS and BH2, I hear you. Just an odd day. I'm blaming it on the moon or the heat or the fact my son just left after being home for a few days. I'm sad and mad an a mix of emotions. It's probably good no one is here to listen to my unreasonable rant. But thankfully being 4 years out, it usually passes quickly and tomorrow will probably look brighter...we can only hope.

In the meantime, it's good to know we're not alone...well, at least in our feelings...physically is another matter...  :-\
I miss how happy I was with you.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: A bad day
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2017, 08:18:27 PM »
You are so right JG, thankfully it passes quickly and doesn't bring us to our knees the way it used to. Brighter days for all of us tomorrow.
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

TooSoon

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Re: A bad day
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2017, 12:57:55 PM »
Other than a bottle of wine, I don't know what got into me last night.  I just started crying and could not stop.  That has not happened in many moons.  You know, all of this year -- I count time in school years -- I thought we would be moving.  That Andy would get a job and as we've been planning, we'd move forward into our own lives - leave the past behind, as it were.  But he didn't get the right job (he did in fact get a job but not the right one - anyway) and we're going to be here for another year.  It was a choice.  It is the best choice for us.  I agreed to it.  But last night I just went down this rabbit hole  thinking about how much I lost.  There were four pretty much lost years - two while he was sick and two after he died.  My career was ruined by those lost years.  I wonder how they hurt my daughter.  Anyway, life is for the most part good and very often great but something just took hold last night and I "went there."  Beats me but I thank you both for listening. 
« Last Edit: June 12, 2017, 12:59:58 PM by TooSoon »

Mizpah

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Re: A bad day
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2017, 01:21:45 PM »
I'm sorry.  I hope you're on your way back out and up.

What I find now is that the days that hurt, somewhat like yours, are "inspired" by wanting THE PRESENT to be better and easier and more ideal than it is, rather than mourning the past or pining for it - brought on by actual problems in the now, rather than finding problems in the now or finding the now lesser because of what was.  Just a difference in focus, but a difference nonetheless, even though it can all be entwined and entangled and caught up together.  Not sure if I'm making sense.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

TooSoon

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Re: A bad day
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2017, 03:37:11 PM »

What I find now is that the days that hurt, somewhat like yours, are "inspired" by wanting THE PRESENT to be better and easier and more ideal than it is, rather than mourning the past or pining for it - brought on by actual problems in the now, rather than finding problems in the now or finding the now lesser because of what was.  Just a difference in focus, but a difference nonetheless, even though it can all be entwined and entangled and caught up together.  Not sure if I'm making sense.

It is definitely not grief.  And I think my repeated rejections in trying to get promoted these last two years coupled with the anticipation of perhaps getting to leave this stupid job and paired with the reality that I'm going to be the sole earner for a time for all five of us - and adjusting to being married (no small thing), well, it just hit me like a ton of bricks last night in that stuck on the big picture, unable to separate one thing from another kind of way.  There is also at 4.5 years for me this feeling like I am teetering in a place where the overlap between past and present is shrinking, shrinking, shrinking - also ok but definitely a factor.  All of things that *aren't* working are burning brighter in my mind than all of the many things that are.  When I got rejected again this year, it finally pushed me over a line with my relationship to work that I've never crossed before. I'm done.  I cut all my hair off, a haircut that felt like an act of rebellion, and I've started volunteering on a farm (in addition to my own garden).  Maybe I need to work on being still more Type B.  My husband's illness especially and then his death forced me to stop having a lot of expectations.  Acceptance meant sanity.  I'm going to try to cultivate more of that this summer, while working out my frustrations in the dirt.

MissingSquish

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Re: A bad day
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2017, 05:57:34 PM »
TooSoon, my only advice is to stop drinking entirely for a while. Alcohol clouds our judgements and increases feelings of depression and/or grief.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!