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Saying Goodbye - Last Words

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He knew that morning when he collapsed on the floor and couldn't get back up that this was the end.  He told me as he was being carried down the stairs by the paramedics that he didn't want to climb up those stairs again...I promised he wouldn't have to...and as it turned out, he didn't have to.

They stabilized him and admitted him to ICU. We spent the rest of the day (between naps) chatting. He was weak but in good spirits. We laughed with the nurses.  The kids were at home alone, so I had to leave after his (non) dinner. I told him I would come back after our son left for school. I kissed him goodnight and told him that I loved him...and he said he loved me and would see me tomorrow. In retrospect, the fact that he said he loved me should have tipped me off...he rarely said those words. 

Chad was in Saudi Arabia and he would Skype me every morning before I went to work. I'd prop the phone up on the medicine cabinet shelf and talk to him while I was getting ready for work. He was a stickler for never saying goodbye without I love you. He always used to say, "God forbid something happens".  I was irritated with him that morning. Weekends made me nervous because I knew that no matter what he said, he was going to drink. This was a Friday morning and the next day was his birthday and I was worried. Apparently for good reason because he died the next day but I didn't know until Sunday.  But I love you really was the last thing he said to me, I guess he knew what he was talking about. I so wish I'd done that Skype call differently :(

It was a Sunday night; he had been putting our 5 year old daughter to bed and they got into an argument. As usual, I entered her room to be the peacemaker; sent him out and calmed her down enough to explain why Daddy was upset and how she needed to correct her behavior. After about 10 minutes, she was settling into sleep when he came back in the room. I was kneeling on one side of her bed rubbing her back, and he circled to the other side of her bed, knelt down and laid over her as if to shelter her in his arms. He bowed his head over her and began whispering. I excused myself to give them time to reconcile; I will never know what he said to her.

Another 10 minutes passed. I was in the master bedroom folding laundry when he returned. He walked into the room, bowed his head and gently said "She kills me." His tone was different. Not angry but more bemused and thoroughly in love, but also tired and defeated. I asked what he meant and he just shook his head and began to change for bed. I don't know if we said much more that night. I'm sure I said good night and I love you out of habit.

The next morning at 5:30 I found him dead.

I will never tell my daughter about that conversation. I do not want her to think she holds any responsibility for his heart attack. I do not want to remind her of their argument. I want her to remember the positives, to cherish the love he showed her. Maybe when she is older and can understand the nuances of those three words and not just a stark interpretation. But I will never forget what he said and wonder if he knew...


no goodbye


"I'm going downstairs to do a ride and then finish my fruit"

He had such healthy was it that his widow maker artery was 75% blocked WTF

sorry for the language but seriously it's what always comes into my head when I think about it........ WTF

By text about an hour before the accident: "I love you, my darling."

Every morning before he left (a tad earlier than me), he'd say he loved me more today than he did yesterday, that I'm his life and his heart, and every now and then he'd also say that he would use his last breath on this earth to tell me he loves me.  That morning (a Friday), he'd said he couldn't wait for our weekend together. 


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