Author Topic: Drawing the line with the x?  (Read 1617 times)

Sugarbell

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #15 on: June 22, 2017, 01:05:35 PM »
My guy friend would get crazy texts from psycho ex when we first started going out.

He never responded..unless it was kid drop off/schedule stuff he ignored her. Some were just ridiculous.

After a while she stopped....because she never got a response.

He's in the drivers seat as far as handling his ex.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

MrsDan

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #16 on: June 23, 2017, 12:42:54 PM »

Yeah, it is hard. But, try to look at it from his viewpoint (as he should also look at it from yours) too. After yesterday's blow up, I'll bet he feels he has two cranky women to deal with.

This absolutely hands down one of the most offensive things you've ever posted here, and that's saying a lot. Advocating for your emotional needs and what you think will ensure a healthy relationship is not being cranky. Honestly, it's pretty pathetic to use a grief group as a vehicle for vocalizing an obvious disdain for women. 

If there is a way that your NG can come to an understanding that he is allowing her to use the children as weapons, that being nice to her is not going to change that, maybe it will be ugly for a minute but then life goes on. It is a tough place to be in.

This hits it; she is using the kids to get to him, and he is encouraging that bad behavior. And anyone who would use their kids as weapons is seriously messed up and is not going to change. I find it interesting that he says he has trouble saying no to people; he certainly has no trouble saying no to daysofelijah, when she is expressing her needs. The relationship with the ex is over. There is no need for him to have any involvement with her that doesn't directly involve her kids.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

Portside

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #17 on: June 23, 2017, 01:34:37 PM »


Yeah, it is hard. But, try to look at it from his viewpoint (as he should also look at it from yours) too. After yesterday's blow up, I'll bet he feels he has two cranky women to deal with.

This absolutely hands down one of the most offensive things you've ever posted here, and that's saying a lot. Advocating for your emotional needs and what you think will ensure a healthy relationship is not being cranky. Honestly, it's pretty pathetic to use a grief group as a vehicle for vocalizing an obvious disdain for women. 



MrsDan, I know that you will not believe me but I do not post in order to belittle women in general or the OP in this case. Ever.

I post in order to offer my take on what a poster is asking. Yes, oft times it is out of step with what many others here have to say. But isn't that the beauty of an open forum? The possibility that someone you have never met may have an insight or view that maybe, just maybe, may be a way out of whatever it is that troubles you?

I am under no illusions that my thoughts are equal to Moses bringing them down from the mountain. They are just one guy's ideas. That's all. I could be wrong, I know that.

I am primarily interested in the Socializing threads because there seem to be many questions along the line of why is my guy doing this, why did he say that, what do guys want, why is dating a man confusing and the like. There are very few men that post here so I figure I have something valuable to contribute. I had a successful dating and remarriage experience. So, I think I have some standing. 

That's all this is. If you disagree with my possible explanation of the OP's issue, that's fine. It doesn't necessarily follow that your disagreement must mean I want to belittle women.

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Metv

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #18 on: June 23, 2017, 01:52:46 PM »
Exes come in an absolute array of differences. Although it is never one size fits all, having contact (appearingly more than meets the eye), and making OP feel uncomfortable, is an absolute no go for me. And I would think most. Been there. More than once I ended a post widowed relationship because the ones I were dating, and involved in a relationship with, were in the "friends" zone too much for my comfort. So I ended it. Best things I ever did. If someone is interested in a future w me, my feelings should matter (more than the exes). You're a bit unclear as to whether you think he's responding to texts on which you feel uncomfortable, or anger / jealousy.
« Last Edit: June 23, 2017, 05:31:18 PM by Metv »

Forgottenwife

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #19 on: June 23, 2017, 02:20:38 PM »
I think it is a good idea, as you noted, to get your boundaries clear before you get married. Maybe it may be a good idea to decide why this is important to you though. Is it just because she is his ex wife? If it was your sister or a colleague or a neighbor that needed car help, would you object to that? I can't fix cars but I do have some skills in other areas and occasionally a family member or a friend will ask for my help. If it isn't more than an hour or two and I have the time to spare, sometimes I am happy to do it. Honestly, if my partner objected to me doing someone a favor, I think I would be pretty insulted.

Just because people are divorced doesn't mean they have to stop being helpful. Your NG helping his ex may mean that she has more resources to help their kids. I have a good friend whos ex husband helps her out sometimes - car repairs, home repairs, surprise situations - he even took care of her mom after surgery for a day once. They don't like each other romantically anymore, but he and I have shared BBQ duties at one of their kids graduation parties. I am kind of impressed that they still have this kind of working relationship. The kids see that Mom or Dad needs something and their other parent steps up. It really does make the kids' lives so much easier.

Not saying this is right or wrong for anyone else, it is just their lives. I have also seen situations where people never ever for any reason speak to their exes and under no circumstances would they do anything to help them out. Everyone is different. Maybe your NG is someone that wants to be there for the mom of his kids and try to help her out, therefore helping his kids out, when he can reasonably accommodate her. This is something I would definitely want to know before you move in together. Best of luck in navigating this, these things can be tricky to figure out.

Trying

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #20 on: June 23, 2017, 03:31:41 PM »
Although I don't want to defend Portside's blunt delivery I do think his male perspective is relevant.  My fiancĂ©, when frustrated by his ex, often gives in just to end the argument and if I start nagging or complaining about how he is handling it he has said to me that he really can't handle two women attacking him.  Not having been divorced I am trying to understand or at least respect his position.  The time leading up to the divorce, the divorce negotiations and the time after were very stressful, emotionally exhausting, with lots of anger on both sides.  He wants desperately for that to be behind them and have a civil relationship for the sake of the kids. 

I don't think any of this means that we shouldn't be able to voice our own needs and boundaries in our relationship but I think that trying to understand our partner's motivation can help us approach the topic with less anger and defensiveness so maybe they can hear us better.  I am working at this myself, though too often my own emotions get in the way.
You will forever be my always.

Metv

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #21 on: June 23, 2017, 04:23:21 PM »
 8) 8)
« Last Edit: June 24, 2017, 12:11:51 AM by Metv »

jgib

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #22 on: June 23, 2017, 07:06:04 PM »
Mike, I think you are dead right and more women should listen when you give feedback. 
Men think differently then women and I think any insight is welcome.  Doesn't mean right or wrong, just more things to ponder....

fairlanegirl

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #23 on: June 24, 2017, 06:53:02 PM »
Mike, I think you are dead right and more women should listen when you give feedback. 
Men think differently then women and I think any insight is welcome.  Doesn't mean right or wrong, just more things to ponder....
It's the monolithic idea of 'how men think' and 'how women think' that I find a bit odd - frankly.

Trying

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #24 on: June 24, 2017, 08:09:21 PM »
Obviously not all men think alike nor do all women think alike.  On a formum like this, where we are predominately women, and most of the men are here only in the early months, I think we at least need to listen to the male opinion, even if we don't agree, when we are looking for insight with the men in our lives.  I wish we had a broader range of men to share with but as my DH would say "it is what it is". 

I know my fiancĂ© (and in the past my DH) thinks and reacts very differently than me.  I may not always be receptive and he may not always communicate well but I feel that we should each try to understand the perspective of the other. 

This weekend is an example where we both were set in our limited way of thinking and the tension felt insurmountable.  At some point you either have to agree to disagree while respecting each other's feelings or walk away.
You will forever be my always.

trying2breathe

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #25 on: June 25, 2017, 01:43:26 PM »
I enjoy the male perspective here, and yes maybe it's stereotypical to think that all men react and feel the same, just as possibly all women react and feel the same.  I believe that men and women generally speaking, are different emotionally and have different ways of thinking and reacting.  Although Portside's posts can sometimes seem abrupt, from my experience what he shares matches closely the interactions that I've had with LH, NG and male relatives.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

jgib

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #26 on: June 25, 2017, 08:00:52 PM »
I was not saying all men are the same, nor all women.  But men and women's hormones, brain functions as well as other things, are different and as such thoughts, reactions and emotions are different.
I accept and value the differences! 
I have been around long enough now that I prefer to listen and learn about differences.   It is difficult when two people's ideas about things are very different.

Metv

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #27 on: June 25, 2017, 09:07:40 PM »
I think men here are probably outnumbered 100 to 1, mainly because I think men have to appear to be tougher when widowing, don't fully express their feelings, and never anticipated having certain conversations about parameters regarding exes, but when feeling uncomfortable about conversing, have more than once had to rethink future plans. Seems like it shouldn't be this difficult, sometimes.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2017, 08:11:04 AM by Metv »

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #28 on: June 26, 2017, 05:43:12 AM »
For some reason my post didn't work yesterday so I'll try it again.
I too think that getting male perspective is valuable as well.  Unfortunately, Portside's post from early stated this "Peeing in the corners to mark out territory and boundaries will only work if you include him...".  I find this kind of analogy totally unnecessary and insulting.  There is always a better way to express oneself without the denigrating comments.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Captains wife

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Re: Drawing the line with the x?
« Reply #29 on: June 26, 2017, 07:46:03 AM »
daysofelijah - I feel your pain when it comes to trying to deal with exes. I am struggling with this more than I expected in my CH 2. I do think, however, there needs to be a line in the sand when exes are involved - I understand divorced parents need to co-parent but when they are divorced, I feel that acting like a married couple in other ways is unacceptable and not fair to the new partner. If you feel as though your guy's ex is coming into your relationship space too much, have an open, honest conversation about it with him and hopefully he will manage the situation appropriately (which it is his role to do). Also, you might want to express what you are comfortable with and not. For example, I drew the line in the sand with my NG for certain things. ie. no co-parenting trips away together or I don't want to be in her toxic space - given the way she is acting right now - so I have purposely been avoiding events so far where she will be there (even though he has invited me). If his ex was constantly texting him and asking for help around the house, with her car etc etc. I would NOT be ok with this. (I deal with ALL this stuff myself as a widow). They have had a few phone arguments when he was over at my house (and we hardly have time together as it is) and I told him that was not ok to bring into our space.  I did used to be very passive aggressive about this topic and would just get moody (and shut down) when I was unhappy with the ex situation but I realized that my NG really didn't need to have his toxic ex and me giving him a hard time at the same time - so talking openly about it and my feelings about it was a much better way to go. Im still trying to figure out what I can and cant deal with in this new world of dating divorced parents with children so its a learning process for all of us !
« Last Edit: June 26, 2017, 12:35:30 PM by Captains wife »