Author Topic: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males  (Read 1617 times)

2ManyQuestions

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Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« on: June 27, 2017, 12:24:16 PM »
Hi,

I have heard different points of views from males and females, whether females are more inclined to stay single when widowed but men seem a need for a partner because of X….

I am curious of your thoughts and reasoning.

thx


Portside

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2017, 03:45:02 PM »
Interesting.

I don't think I'd say I 'needed' a partner after I was widowed. But, I did know I wanted to remarry at some point. I liked being married previously even though my experience wasn't ideal. Therefore, I actively sought out a woman who was like-minded after my grieving was finished.

But, having said that, I did think it was important for my young children to be loved and nurtured by a woman that would, to the best of her ability, fulfill the role of a Mom. A new marriage would provide that for them. A woman/mother adds richness to a child's life that no father could on his own so, maybe unconsciously I felt that 'need' - don't know. 

I wouldn't presume to speak for widows but for both sexes, I imagine there are many factors and influences in play. For example, US censuses have shown for many decades that after age 45 (roughly), the number of available men and women begins to diverge and only becomes greater over time.

Perhaps that has some impact on likelihood of each sex remarrying. Or not. Who knows? 

Best wishes - Mike

The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Metv

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2017, 05:09:25 PM »
Staying single, have been widowed a good part of 10 years. To me, the reasoning is I just never met anyone who made me want to say I do. Honestly, several who convinced me of "I don't". I have become pretty independent, by now. I'm a guy. I kind of like not having to answer to anyone. Not that the future rules anything out, but for now it just not in the cards. Interesting forum question.

fairlanegirl

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2017, 09:32:35 PM »
I think it may be more individual, and depends on age/generation perhaps? Maybe older women of an earlier might have spent 50 years or more doing the traditional role of running round after a bloke, and not want to do it again, and they are most likely, if anything, to end up with someone their own age. They may not like the idea of possibly nursing a sick old fellow. I guess it depends on your experience of marriage. i never felt I had to compromise myself / answer to anyone in any way being married to my husband, so being by myself was not 'freedom' as it can be for some I suppose.

Younger people--I'd say judging by those on here, many of both sexes do repartner. I did after a year, though we don't live together / haven't married and actually I'm fine with that at this stage of life (I am 50 and was widowed at 44). We've talked about it but logistically, it will be a long time. I don't want to uproot my children either, they've been through too much. He's their stepdad, just only here three nights a week! This way I have also had to be more independent, but with the backup of knowing I'm loved, if you know what I mean, which yes, does make a huge difference, I don't kid myself about that.
Statistics can be misleading, I suspect, because they only count 'remarriage after widowhood' rates. There are doubtless a lot of people, especially in this day and age, including older women, who have love lives, they are just not married.

Captains wife

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2017, 06:12:28 AM »
Interestingly - 2 of my closer widower friends(both with young kids) recoupled within a year and remarried. Most of the  widows I personally know are not remarried several years out- myself included. Im not sure what the statistics show but personally I haven't wanted to recouple while I still had a lot of healing to do - and now I'm getting more and more used to my single parent status (as I've always been pretty independent). I am inclined to think men may marry more quickly to rebuild a more complete family unit for their children. I know if the tables had been turned my husband would have re-married very quickly. I wonder if many females are willing to hold out for longer for what they perceive as the "right" match?
« Last Edit: June 28, 2017, 06:15:13 AM by Captains wife »

Sugarbell

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2017, 07:13:55 AM »
Reasons men tend to remarry quicker (just ny opinion only)

Mother figure for kids
Someone to help with kids/chauffeur/house
Don't like being alone
Men tend to have less "guy friends/buddies" as they age than women. Women usually are better at maintaining friendships  (people to lean on, hang out with).: Outside of work men feel more isolation.


Why women are slower to remarry

Many women no longer need a man for financial independence/survival
If women have young kids...taking on a new husband and his kids is like too much.
Don't want to take care of another person
More social (look on here-few men.:always more women than men at bagos) Women tend to get social fulfillment outside of marriage easier than men

Just my observations over the past 10 years...But remember each situation is unique-this certainly isn't true for all.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Bunny

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2017, 09:34:06 AM »
I'm going to speak in general, simple terms. I know these things won't be true for everyone as there will always be extenuating circumstances involved, and we are all unique beings.

Women share deep emotional relationships with spouse, friends, family. Men share a deep emotional relationship with their spouse. Period. After a partner dies, women can cobble together an emotional support system to help them get by. Men have a more difficult time finding this, so they are drawn to re-coupling sooner than women. It's hard to live without emotional intimacy.
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

serpico

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2017, 09:58:43 AM »
I think Sugarbell and Bunny are right on the money.  Men and women are very different in many ways, not the least of which how we deal with the loss of a loved one.  Those differences aren't good or bad... they just are.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Mizpah

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2017, 10:15:01 AM »
A google search gave me TONS of articles on this.  Here's the first one, which starts about Paul McCartney, but moves on to generalities about the differences in grieving and "moving on" between men and women.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/01/fashion/thursdaystyles/01marry.html

I read this one too:

http://time.com/3584827/pew-marriage-divorce-remarriage/

On a personal level, though, a stark difference I noticed between NG (widower) and me is that I went through a long phase (about two years) of feeling very strongly that I'd never have feelings for another person again, whereas he immediately knew he wanted a wife and kids in his future.  For me, all that felt specific to DH, but for him it was about him and his life/hopes/desires. 
« Last Edit: June 28, 2017, 11:57:24 AM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Metv

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2017, 10:51:15 AM »
Although I've seen some variations, to me it seems women and men differ when widowed. Most women (I've known), remarry for comfort and security, most men, from loneliness. Just an observation.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2017, 03:20:37 PM by Metv »

Love2fish

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2017, 01:23:20 PM »
Women share deep emotional relationships with spouse, friends, family. Men share a deep emotional relationship with their spouse. Period. After a partner dies, women can cobble together an emotional support system to help them get by. Men have a more difficult time finding this, so they are drawn to re-coupling sooner than women. It's hard to live without emotional intimacy.

^^^ This says it for me.  I had over a year to grieve before DW was gone.  I knew I would recouple  I wasted no time working on it.  I have no doubt and feel no shame saying that a man, or at least this man, needs a woman more than a woman needs a man.

Sugarbell

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2017, 03:15:32 PM »
One of my first post widow relationships was with a widower who was 2 months out (I was 9 months out)..He wanted a wife...I bolted. He was married within 9 months of me bolting.

I lost my best friend from high school in 2015....she actually joked with me on her death bed to marry her husband and help raise her kids. She said he couldn't be alone....He ended up moving in with her former babysitter from years ago and she helps with the kids.

I'm "in love" now (finally at almost 10 years) and can see a future with NG. (But no hurry to marry but will eventually when all the technicalities of merging lives gets worked out).. But before him...nope. (And I did have a brief 5 month marriage back about 6 years ago that got annulled)-Scared the crap outta me.

But personalities are different/situations....I had 3 tiny kids early on...and just had nothing left to give a man (or his kids/ex) ...just seemed like too much work. If my kids would've been the age my kids are now (10, 13 and 14) I may have recoupled successfully sooner.

Who knows?
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

faye

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2017, 07:49:21 AM »
At my age (late 50s) the demographics aren't in my favor. Women my age can end up without partners because there are fewer men than women.  And the men looking for love can hold out for someone younger. I can't tell you how discouraging it was to read profiles of men my age and older who desired a woman no older than mid-forties.

soloact

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #13 on: June 30, 2017, 11:43:32 AM »
I don't want to complicate my life.

Adley

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #14 on: June 30, 2017, 02:04:46 PM »
Thanks for bringing this up, good topic. I've actually been thinking along a similar thread lately, since my brother asked if I was seeing anyone. He got a laugh and a hell no. DW and I had a great marriage. Almost twelve months out I started seeing someone. In hindsight and on reading this board, I realize that my mind, heart, and body were not nearly on the same page. My heart was for my kids, I wanted them to see a loving relationship. My mind was still overwhelmed and numb. My body kept manufacturing pesky hormones. It was all one big train wreck recipe. I'm over a year out from an awful four month marriage. Now it's like my heart and mind have teamed up on my body. Now whenever a lady smiles at me my heart and mind pull the reins back really hard.
   I suppose we men are more likely to have a simplistic view of marriage and family, and at first the prospect of raising three small children was quite daunting. But they get older and now it's not scary at all. I certainly can't speak for all men, but I did miss my best friend, the intimacy, the complete family, etc. What we had was good, and I wanted it back. I wasn't under the illusion I'd get her back, but I was under the illusion that by the time we hit our thirties most everyone is mature enough to treat others with mutual respect and to meet their partner halfway. Then I got hit with the realization that, after all my thinking on maturity, my worldview was quite naive.
   So I started out thinking about it "like a man", but after a good hard burn maybe I'm thinking about it more like a woman. I see the potential for danger more clearly and it might just be too much work. The sexes definitely have their own brands of toughness.
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours