Author Topic: Rambling....again  (Read 542 times)


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« on: June 29, 2017, 05:26:36 PM »
I’ve been laying low here lately, not for any reasons related to the board, but because of my own struggles.  3.5 years out.  2 new degrees.  A direction for a new career.  No job yet, though I have had a few nibbles.  Some days that feel hopeful for a few hours…and then I am down again.

I’m still in Kansas, looking to move toward the northeast US.  I want to be within 6 hours driving distance from my aging folks.  Dad is 90 and failing slowly.  Mom is 80 and holding her own and managing my father.  Sooner or later, though, that apple cart won’t continue to be balanced.  I feel this need to be able to be supportive, but not on top of them.  I’m just back from a month-long road trip to the east coast where all of my thoughts on my parents were confirmed.  I can’t live too close.  We have a contentious relationship and at my age, I don’t feel the need to be scrutinized for my choices in life.  Let’s just say my parents have strong opinions on some subjects and our ideologies are on different ends of a spectrum.  I have enough anxiety on my own, thank you.  I spent a lot of days swallowing hard and underreacting to their fairly concrete ways of thinking.  I hadn’t spent that much time around my mother, as my visits are usually quite short, but I realized that she could not entertain the thought that people could have different opinions on a host of subjects.  I tried to explain that ice cream comes in an array of flavors for good reason!

I did, however, get to visit many friends and family members.  I attended the funeral of my 96 year-old aunt (who outlived her husband by 43 years!).  I went to birthday and graduation parties and got to hang with my cousin who was one of the producers for the movie “Manchester by the Sea”.  I had lunch with MIL #1, who is losing her spunk, sadly.

I also got to see wid friends, many of whom I have known since I lost my first husband and who have supported me through the loss of my second husband as well.  I am grateful for the hospitality of those who offered me a place to sleep or a good meal and even a motorcycle ride.  I always feel comfortable with my wid sisters and brothers.

I asked for and received advice from my friends and have concluded that I just need to leave Kansas behind.  I moved here in 2010, just a year after the loss of my first husband.  I met my second husband through the old board (YWBB) when a platonic conversation quickly turned into a wonderful love story.  John, whose screen name was polarbear, was a university professor and lived here in Western Kansas.  I was at a place in my life where I was ready for change and left just about everything behind on the east coast to make a new life with John.  We had a whirlwind romance, married a year after we met, and lived life to the fullest….until he died very unexpectedly in his sleep.  My fairy tale ending became a nightmare.  It didn’t help that I was diagnosed with cancer just after he died.  (I’ve been in good health since my initial surgery.)

I stayed here for the last 3.5 years because I hadn’t yet found my new bearings.  I was in shock, and more than I really understood.  School was my structure and what kept me putting one foot in front of the other.  Well, school and road trips…travel is my drug of choice.  But now I have my degrees and a vision for a second career.  I just need a job and a place to have a fresh start.

So…I’m back home and ready to complete arrangements to leave Kansas.  I have about 3 weeks to accomplish this…all the while hoping that preliminary job interviews turn into second interviews and job offers.  I am renting my house to a young professor and her husband.  Perhaps they will buy it in a year.  Their current lease is up in a month, so I will move my property to where I get a new job (plan A – and a long shot right now) or into storage near said parents (plan B – sigh) until I get a job.  Friends have offered a rarely used second house to squat in for a while if needed.  I’m hoping I get a job soon.  The market is tight, but I am trying to be hopeful.

My mood keeps shifting.  One of my friends is very, very sick and that makes my heart very heavy.  He lives quite far from me and I haven’t been able to see him.  I have mixed feelings about leaving Kansas.  I know it is necessary (I have been downsizing and packing my home for a year…I know I need to go) but I have to leave the life I wanted behind.  I miss John terribly.  My heart is really broken.  I know, though, that in order to live fully, I have to move forward, and I can’t do that here.  Just writing these words causes chest pain for me.  As much as I can see the logic in moving, my heart wants to hang on to the life that I had and the plans we had for our future together.  But I know that they are gone.  I have my memories, which remain quite vivid.  I don’t know why I had to repeat this lesson about life.  We are not in control in many ways.  Maybe I need to study Buddhism.

I never know where my ramblings will take me.  If you have made it to the end, thanks for reading.  I try to read the board every day, even if I don’t respond.  Sometimes other people say it better.  Other times, I try to remember my manners and when I don’t have something nice to say….lol.


« Last Edit: July 02, 2017, 08:24:24 AM by Wheelerswife »
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Re: Rambling....again
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2017, 09:18:50 PM »
Thanks for sharing Maureen.  I  enjoy hearing where others are and what they are up to.


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Re: Rambling....again
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2017, 10:19:49 PM »
Awe Maureen, these are all huge changes.  Thanks for sharing it with us.  I hope you find your next career soon!  My changes are not as big but making them has been hard to accept as well.  I know living here is not good for me and have to make that move.  I am so close and keep pulling back.
Safe journey to the east when it happens for you!
Hugs to you!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.


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Re: Rambling....again
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2017, 06:28:22 AM »
Mercy, you're so right that we aren't in control. You have a lot pulling on you and hope you can find some solutions that bring you comfort.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~


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Re: Rambling....again
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2017, 07:27:46 AM »
Just wanted to stop in and give a hug!


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Re: Rambling....again
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2017, 08:25:32 AM »
Best wishes to you as you continue stepping forward.  Change is difficult, there is positivity and hope in your post and so much good that lies ahead for you.  Reading what you've done and how far you've come is inspiring.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?


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Re: Rambling....again
« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2017, 07:36:16 AM »
I feel for you. I can't imagine going through what you've been through and now facing new changes. But I am in awe at your strength and courage and all you've achieved and overcome since John passed. I can't say I could have done the same; giving up would have been the easy road--which you didn't take. Yes, I would also be torn about leaving Kansas but you recognize it's what you need to do. It's definitely not the life you envisioned and it's a reminder that you're leaving behind the short life you and John shared. Closing the book on that chapter of your of course you'd have heartache.

I'm glad you were able to visit with your parents though and confirm that being too close to them would be unhealthy. I hope things work out to enable you to keep that 6 hr distance! :)

Sending you virtual hugs and strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and sending you hopes that things end up falling into place for you.

I miss how happy I was with you.