Author Topic: Maybe I need my space  (Read 371 times)

Needytoo

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Maybe I need my space
« on: July 03, 2017, 08:23:21 AM »
My sons 19 & 22 years old live at home with me.  I love my sons but they are really getting on my nerves.  They often don’t clean up after themselves. They do some chores but never go out of their way to do too much.  I have to hide any booze because they will just drink it on me.  My oldest works full time and sometimes when he puts in overtime he is making the same amount as me.  Finally, after a year of complaining, he paid me $400. Hopefully, that continues.  My husband was an introvert and my sons tend to be like as well.  Inviting people over doesn’t sit well with them.  But we do have a close relationship, maybe too close I think they need to find their own way.
Over the years I have made a few new friendships.  One of these friendships I really cherished.  She recommended this guy to do my weeping tiles.  The man did everything wrong and I had to get it redone. I hate this man and am trying to sue him. I have spent a ton of money on a lawyer and now we are going to trial. Even if I win it is going to be a battle to get any money out of him because he has nothing. The stress from this and losing my friend has been draining. 
I have been feeling very lonely since winter. I would like to date but the online thing just not doing it. I feel I need to connect to more people. I am a social person but after the contractor friend thing, I tread slowly. It has been raining and that hasn’t helped my loneliness.
One of my friends just bought a trailer in a campground and I was invited for the weekend.  It is fantastic, I love camping and walking around and meeting new people. There is another trailer up for sale and I most likely can get a really good deal on it. But money is tight. I have the lawyer and still want to make a patio. Then my brain is thinking do I really want to go ahead with the lawsuit, or just end it and start to heal. Maybe I can take the money for my patio which maybe I would use an hour daily to buy the trailer. Then do I tell my kids or just keep it for myself. My personal zen den. I am so tired of picking up after them.  Opinions please.

BrokenHeart2

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  • Widowed 2013
Re: Maybe I need my space
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2017, 08:51:58 AM »
Then my brain is thinking do I really want to go ahead with the lawsuit, or just end it and start to heal. Maybe I can take the money for my patio which maybe I would use an hour daily to buy the trailer. Then do I tell my kids or just keep it for myself. My personal zen den. I am so tired of picking up after them.  Opinions please.
Here's my opinion, since you asked :)
If you know you probably won't get anything from the contractor, end it and heal, take the extra money you won't spend fighting him  in court and the patio money to buy your trailer. I'd keep the trailer as my zen den if I were you. I'd also tell the boys they are not welcome there until they grow up.
Why do you have a grown man (albeit young) working full time living in your home for free?  You aren't doing him any favors by allowing this to happen. Living at home and paying rent is a good way to start to learn how to take financial responsibility for themselves.  Give him a rent amount he is to pay and a timeline to pay it.  His options, 1-pay or 2-get his own place.  If he chooses option 2 he will very quickly learn how good he had it. 
Lay it out for both of them, you are not their maid and enough is enough. You will no longer tolerate the messes they create.  They clean up after themselves and stay out of your booze or else..... option 2.  Remember though, you can't make these demands without following through or they will keep doing the same thing over and over knowing there are no consequences.
Yup, that's what my Mom called "tough love" and she raised us 6 kids on that and I had the gift of her lessons to pass on to my 2 stepkids.  Yes, I consider it a gift.
Best of luck to you NT!! I know it's never easy and especially when you don't have DH to back you up!
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Needytoo

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Re: Maybe I need my space
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2017, 10:01:46 AM »
The answer to your question BrokenHeart2, about my freeloader son.  is he feels entitled.  He is a little prince. I have been on him for over a year to pay rent. He flat out refused. My grocery bill was up to $400 a week and I cut it in half and told them if they eat all the food they have to buy their own. When he finally paid he did say he realizes he has to start to pull his weight but then continued to drink all my coolers. He also walks around the house and makes annoying high-pitched sounds to annoy myself and his younger brother. He has starting vapping and refuses to go outside.  I am sick of him.

It is hard not to have DH to back me up.

The zen den is looking very attractive.

TooSoon

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Re: Maybe I need my space
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2017, 11:51:48 AM »
When I feel like I need space (and money is tight here too), it helps if I just drive somewhere else (some other town, a park) and walk around for a few hours.  I usually come back feeling like I've been gone for a week.  Its hard to disconnect the brain from all of the s*** of daily life when you're in it all the time.  Getting away for just a few hours really helps me clear the head.

Sorry you're struggling. 

Trying

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Re: Maybe I need my space
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2017, 03:08:16 PM »
I got my oldest, now almost 21, to move out last fall. It was best for him and for me. He needed a dose of reality and I needed my sanity. He is learning about responsibility and our relationship is really good now.  My 19 year old has 12 months of school ahead of him to become an electrician and he will move out shortly after he finishes and is working, something he wants also.  We still struggle with how sloppy (really I need a bigger word to describe his mess) he is and the lack of initiative when it comes to chores. He does have a job and rarely eats at home and until he finishes school I will continue to pay his car insurance and cell phone bill.

I definitely let my older 2 have way too much leniency after DH died and it really did them a disservice. I'm trying to fix that now but I know how hard it is. It sounds like your son needs a deadline to move out and should be contributing to at least the grocery bill in the meantime.

I vote for the trailer and keep it just for you!  You deserve some peace and a chance to make a life for yourself.
You will forever be my always.

Needytoo

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Re: Maybe I need my space
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2017, 03:53:14 PM »
Added up what I have paid for the lawyer so far and then more for a trial and then, even more, to try to collect off a guy that has nothing. I was warned not to do this but I so much wanted this bastard contractor to pay. But it is draining me financially and mentally. I think I need to let this go. I will call my lawyer tomorrow and have the $200 conversation (she charges for everything) to stop the suit. My kids will ride my ass on this decision too. Let the contractor feel his victory, hopefully, karma gets him.

You are so right TooSoon getting away does help. Unfortunately, we have had a lot of rain and I feel I can't do that. What I need to do is buy rubber boots and a better raincoat and get outside.  I joined a kayak club and been complaining that I can't go because of the rain. Other members go out in the rain so I am going to do that too.  I did start last weekend doing more visiting. I went to see my father in my hometown and had supper with old high school classmates that I haven't seen in 33 years. In two weeks off to see my old college friends. I need to break this stupid lonely/void feeling. Weird I am feeling lonely and complaining about my kids at the same time.  :o

Trying I am asking $400 a month, the same amount my parents asked for rent from me!! I hope he keeps up the paying because I have had it with him.  He pays his own car insurance and I cancelled his cell phone. I did make him pay for his tuition and for his books but everything else I paid for when he was in school. Now that I work full time at the college my youngest tuition is paid for. Thinking about asking him to pay for car insurance to make it a little bit more fair. But honestly I am tired of catering to them both.

That trailer is sounding so good to me. If I go ahead with it I don't think I will tell them, it will just be my secret. I can't believe I am saying that. 
« Last Edit: July 05, 2017, 05:42:44 AM by Needytoo »