Author Topic: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males  (Read 1705 times)

JeanGenie

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #15 on: July 02, 2017, 07:21:29 AM »
This is an interesting topic and there are parts of what each of you have stated that I can relate to.

"Women share deep emotional relationships with spouse, friends, family. Men share a deep emotional relationship with their spouse. Period. After a partner dies, women can cobble together an emotional support system to help them get by. Men have a more difficult time finding this, so they are drawn to re-coupling sooner than women. It's hard to live without emotional intimacy."

My DH was my best friend and that only person I shared a deep emotional relationship with so in the past four years I've now formed new emotional relationships with friends (both male and female) to help fill this void.

I've also gotten used to my independence and see the "good" part of this.

And as Faye said: "...the demographics aren't in my favor. Women my age can end up without partners because there are fewer men than women.  And the men looking for love can hold out for someone younger."

So from the female perspective, early on, yes, I had no interest in recoupling. Now? Not sure. As Soloact says, it will complicate my life, but if it's worth it... :)


I miss how happy I was with you.

Bunny

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It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Metv

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #17 on: July 09, 2017, 08:59:21 PM »
^^ actually the best and most responsive article I've read to date in 10 years. A definitive answer to other's opinions. Like shut the ***k up.
Love It !

I remember early out it was the first thing I wanted to do (recouple). I felt that  I had to answer for some sort of guilt for wanting to find someone again, and have to say the worst was family. Mostly in laws who thought I should grieve forever more. My answer was about the same as this young lady's. I'm sure as shit ain't gonna wait for your approval. We only have so many days to our lives, and my intent was to not waste a single second.


« Last Edit: July 10, 2017, 08:41:46 AM by Metv »

Julester3

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2017, 09:41:42 PM »
I saw that article and it made me think of this discussion. I'm happy for him but it does reinforce we all grieve differently and the time/pace differed for many of us. I hate the negative people - no person has to be single forever when they lose their spouse if they don't want to. It's our choice and I wish people would not be so quick to judge.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2017, 04:20:54 AM »
Great article Bunny, thanks!  Ah yes, all those judgy people! I don't have room in my life for that kind anymore.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

momof2obs

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #20 on: July 10, 2017, 07:43:58 AM »
Great article Bunny, thanks!  Ah yes, all those judgy people! I don't have room in my life for that kind anymore.

Exactly!

Love2fish

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #21 on: July 10, 2017, 05:06:25 PM »
^^^^ What everybody said ^^^^  !

I particularly like her explanation of how the heart grows, builds another room that does not diminish anything.   

Bear Shannon

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #22 on: July 19, 2017, 03:20:42 PM »
I have never felt the need to re-marry or to even re-couple. I actually think it is not realistic to expect one woman to be your everything. You may connect with one woman intellectually, another emotionally, maybe another creatively. It is probably why divorce is so high. Just my thoughts.

I still love Laurie and miss her every day (no woman has made my laugh so hard) but I often felt like a trapped animal ready to chew off my own leg during our marriage. Unfortunately, my children saw this side of me and told me as adults that I probably should never had married. But they also knew I really loved their mom and would have died for her.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2017, 03:30:04 PM by Bear Shannon »
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

jeudi

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #23 on: July 20, 2017, 05:31:35 AM »
I had a long, glorious and satisfying marriage with John, my first husband. I knew very soon into my widowhood that I would want to re-partner. I wasn't sure how or if that could ever happen but I knew it would be beneficial to me.

I loved the deep connection I had with John. I loved knowing another with such intimacy. I loved the trust, the comfort, the companionship, the sharing. When I lost him I had no idea how much I would grow to despise loneliness. I  guess I had the idea that it wouldn't be so bad and that I could adjust and adapt to the condition.

I lived in a rural area and worked from home. Due to life situations I no longer had much social interaction- I had friends but none lived close by. I would literally go weeks without having a face to face conversation with anyone but my mailman. There were moments when I felt uncomfortable with what isolation was doing to my psyche. Very uncomfortable.

 I did much, really all I could, to build my life into something that worked to enrich my soul. I did this because I knew there was not a certainty that I would ever fall in love again and I didn't want to end up sad and alone if I was going to end up alone. The end result felt like stitches and band-aids. I felt better and  happier but it was a far cry from feeling like I was living with even a fraction of the soul-satisfaction that I had lived with John.

After more than two years of working my way through widowhood, building on what I had and adding some lovely new people to my world I was lucky enough to meet someone with whom I believed I could fall in love. He lived 1000 miles away and was a widower. He was very recently widowed and I strongly felt the need to encourage him to work his way through those earlier stages of being widowed without me in the same town. That being said, he didn't argue with me about my staying put where I lived because he felt like I knew what I was talking about because I had been widowed for a longer period of time. However, today, as when we had our beginnings, he feels like he was ready to start a new relationship without the stretch of solitary mourning in between.

We started living together a bit past my four year mark, him after his two year mark. It was not easy at first but we  committed to each other and we worked at it until we melded. We've been married for four years, together for 12.

Each of us is different with different needs.

 I'm not the most social person in the world. If I go to a party I am the person who seeks out someone interesting with whom to have a deep conversation. I can hang and mix and present myself in an amiable way but light conversation just doesn't do it for me. Even when I had more proximal friends and a bigger social life with more activities, I still felt like I was missing something essential. If I had not re-married I would do the very best for myself that I could. Being with someone in a committed relationship was fundamental to feeling fulfilled.

I'm thankful that things worked out this way.

Bunny

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #24 on: July 20, 2017, 10:45:29 AM »
I don't want to complicate my life.

This reminds me of my second year of widowhood when men started hitting on me and I would just wryly tell them: 'I'm not lookin' for another project.'
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.

Guaruj

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #25 on: July 31, 2017, 08:09:26 PM »
Tuning in one month late here...

Just last night, my mother-in-law and her partner (1x and 2x widowed, respectively) urged me to "get out there" now that I've been widowed for three years.

I'm used to loneliness; perhaps even too comfortable with it. I'm 57 now and I didn't marry until I was 45. I don't have any children. At this point, I'd prefer to be alone than to commit to an less-than-happy relationship. That may sound like an obvious sentiment, but I see plenty of unhappy marriages out there.

I would be very happy to find someone to love again. Once in a while, I have the experience of feeling like a boyfriend again - just doing something friendly for a woman I like. That feeling suggests to me that it's worth risking the relatively small disappointments we all get when dating. It has not yet motivated me to try online dating, though.

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Love2fish

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #26 on: August 01, 2017, 11:15:35 AM »
.... I'd prefer to be alone than to commit to an less-than-happy relationship. That may sound like an obvious sentiment, but I see plenty of unhappy marriages out there......

That may sound obvious but it's an easy thing to ignore when the loneliness is too intense. 

One part "anything is better than what I feel now" arrogantly stirred with "I know how love works" baked in self deception is a recipe for disaster.  Don't ask me how I know this.


Guaruj

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Re: Opinion / Widowed Females/Males
« Reply #27 on: August 01, 2017, 04:47:48 PM »
That may sound obvious but it's an easy thing to ignore when the loneliness is too intense. 

One part "anything is better than what I feel now" arrogantly stirred with "I know how love works" baked in self deception is a recipe for disaster.  Don't ask me how I know this.

That's a rather astute summary, and I won't need to ask how you know this. I have deceived myself that way at least once.

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