Author Topic: 7 months and not so happy 4th of July  (Read 615 times)

Missing AC

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7 months and not so happy 4th of July
« on: July 05, 2017, 07:25:26 PM »
It hit me hard yesterday, the deep sadness and flood of tears. It paralyzed me.  I had to cancel my plans for the day.  Spent most of the morning in bed  then lounged on the couch watching mindless TV until I went to bed and pretty much sobbed all day long. It was like the beginning all over again. My heart ached for my hubby so terribly much. What gives?  Is that protective layer of shock wearing off? or was it everything else?

I bought a new car 1 1/2 weeks ago - by myself (it took months of agonizing over it to get to this point). Our 2 cars  combined had so many things wrong with them it was causing me too much anxiety. I needed something I felt safe and secure in and wouldn't have me in an auto shop constantly.  All part of making life easier on ourselves, right? Wish he was here to enjoy it with me.

2 days after buying my car a man knocks on my door asking if I am selling one of my old cars. Well, the whole process of selling the car, determining what paperwork was needed, getting a smog done was draining. This was the kind of stuff DH handled and here I was now having to deal with this on my own.  But I did it and our car went to a new home on Monday. The first car DH and I ever bought together. The car we made so many memories in and our son grew up in.  Yep, that was emotionally difficult (I cant stand feeling like I am doing something that is erasing our life together - too short of a life together).

On Monday, I also went to DH's older brother's son's birthday and met BILs new grandson.  It took everything I had to keep the tears at bay. Seeing everyone together, happy, with their perfect intact families, taking the multi-generational family pictures only amplified DH's absence and my loss.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for the new grandparents, but it hurts that DH will not get to see his first grandchild, that my son wont be able to share that experience with his father, that we won't be able to grow old together and see our family grow. I felt so very lonely and sad for myself -  he was the sunshine of my world. Life can be pretty f'd up.

So, by Tuesday I was done- exhausted mentally and emotionally.  I just needed to be curled up in a ball, under a blanket letting my sad little tears flow.  I wish nothing more than to have my happy carefree life back.   


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Re: 7 months and not so happy 4th of July
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2017, 08:00:02 PM »
MissingAC, I am right there with you. It has been 10 months since my husband has passed. Everything you said, I can relate. I can tell you that this site has helped me. I usually read something from here every night just to know I'm not alone.


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Re: 7 months and not so happy 4th of July
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2017, 09:15:02 PM »
It's hard watching everyone else progressing, having a good life, and experiencing life's milestones whereas all we see is life progression that lacks that important person we want to share these moments with. It sucks and people wonder why we avoid holidays and gatherings? It's simply hard to keep that smile for those who are celebrating and we are seen as selfish if we exhibit any bit of sadness. Hugs for you. I totally get it and you are not alone! You deserved a down day to yourself.