Specific Situations > Young Widowed Parents

For those who wanted more children

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Captains wife:
I lost my husband when my son was only 9 months - I had always intended to have one more but since I had my son at 40...I simply have run out of time. I kept my pregnancy stuff for a while after being widowed  just in case I met someone but it never happened. I'm so happy and fortunate to have my son (who's is happy and healthy) but I wistfully think about our other child that never was. And my son (now age 5) keeps asking me to grow a brother or sister!

Sometimes I feel like you write my words still_lost. I always wanted a lot of children but I was willing to settle on three. My husband wanted only one so I guess he won. Our son was very premature and spent two months in the hospital. I never got the "normal" pregnancy or birth, taking baby home, and breastfeeding experiences. I went from having a midwife attended hospital birth to learning about perinatologists and neonatologists. I worried about long term risks of his prematurity. We waited two years and I went to see a specialist to have a plan if I become high risk again. We bought a bigger home, got pregnant, and I had a miscarriage two months before my husband died in an accident.

I was widowed at 36 years, with a two year old toddler, in a new home, on the day that we were to try again, almost two months to the day. On that day my life came crashing down hard.

Other than losing my husband, giving up my dream of another child was the worst grief to deal with, and we lost a lot. I was forced to sell our home and staged the third bedroom with our baby stuff. It broke my heart every time that I went in there. I bawled my eyes out. Going through the garage, my husband's stuff, and our baby stuff was more than I could manage at times. My current MD delivers babies so I avoided appointments with her for years. I just couldn't see the pregnant women and their partners.

I'm too old to have another baby now and my son is almost nine years old. He has physical and mental health issues, and learning disabilities. He's a lot for me lately. This isn't the life that I planned. He has been both a burden and a blessing. I think that you know what I mean still_lost.

The psychological pain of not holding another baby will forever exist. But my guilt of the not so perfect childhood that my son endured after his father's death will always make me feel guilty too.

I found out I was pregnant with our son ten days after the accident.  That ten days was hard!  I lost my entire family.  I was 35 and knew it was not going to happen...and then one day I looked down and wondered why, if I was so skinny (I lost so much weight in those days),  did I have that little belly? 

I was just talking to some school mom friends the other day, about a little girl I had seen who looked like the little girl we might have had, had we been able to have another.  She looked so much like him.  She was beautiful!  :)

It's been a hard go...watching my little guy struggle with being an only.  He told me the other day he is going to have fifteen children;  I think to make up for it.  He used to beg me in the car for siblings.  But it is not to be.  I recently came to know a foster baby who has issues, who I've fallen in love with.  But I couldn't say yes to adopting him, because his future is so unpredictable and I remember how achingly hard those years were when I was doing everything alone...I just didn't know if I could handle any major challenges on my own.  I think I've made the wrong decision.  I'll never know.  I wish there was a more clear indication of what was a good decision and what was a poor one. 

Rambling now...sorry.  Yes, I wanted more children.  But I also want to be careful to not end up back when it was really difficult to manage.  The conflict is unbearable in some ways...


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