Author Topic: For those who wanted more children  (Read 487 times)

still_lost

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For those who wanted more children
« on: July 05, 2017, 11:13:44 PM »
I have one son who is now nine, but he was 18 months old when my husband died. I wanted to try for another child when my son was three, but I never got the chance. I'm grateful for my little boy everyday because without him, I wouldn't be alive. Those early days took a lot out of me, but my son was my reason for getting up and living. I have always wanted to have another baby, but at 36 and no hopes of a relationship or marriage, I find myself sad at the thought of not being able to have another one. I feel cheated on a few different levels. I've let go of my expectations, or hopes rather, of being married again, but the baby one is harder for me to shake. Have any of you felt like this?

Julester3

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Re: For those who wanted more children
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2017, 06:43:32 AM »
The baby thing is hard to shake no matter the circumstance. I wanted more kids than the 2 we had. My husband was content with 2 kids and said he wasn't interested in any more. I tried to talk him into it, persuade him but he did not budge. I spent 3 years really down in the dumps over it. Now that we have lost him, it makes me sadder, I never got my little boy with his father's curly brown hair and mischievous grin in his image. I do love my girls and I am grateful for them. I sort of tell myself that Josh did me a favor and was much smarter leaving me with the number of kids I can actually handle on my own. There won't be any more kids for me because the dating thing never went down for me and now in my forties, I have female issues that all women in my family get. So it's only a matter of time when I need to get a hysterectomy. So the grieving of the kids we dreamed of can happen even before we lose our partners.

Portside

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Re: For those who wanted more children
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2017, 07:38:39 AM »
. . . . I have always wanted to have another baby, but at 36 and no hopes of a relationship or marriage, I find myself sad at the thought of not being able to have another one.


Of course I don't know how you feel but never say never. My brother and SIL had their last when she was 51. On purpose. No issues and a lovely child.

Best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

MrsDan

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Re: For those who wanted more children
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2017, 01:57:28 PM »
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2017, 08:58:46 AM by MrsDan »
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

Mizpah

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Re: For those who wanted more children
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2017, 01:22:13 PM »
I lost DH when I was 32, a couple months before he was to start a new job and we were to begin trying to start a family.  I think two was the plan.  But then years of my life disappeared into grief, and I hadn't wanted kids before him, so I just assumed it wasn't to be - I was ok with it, but was angry that the choice had been taken from me.  Now, years later, I have a 3-year-old, and no resources (financial, personal, real estate, etc.) to have another, and am getting on up there in terms of risk.  I feel sad for my kid that she won't have a full sibling (has a half, but doesn't live with us), and I feel sad that I didn't have the sort of pregnancy and early baby experience I had hoped to have/assumed most people have, and I love babies more than ever.  There are many reasons I'm ok with not having another, but also reasons it kinda breaks my heart.  Death steals.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Captains wife

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Re: For those who wanted more children
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2017, 07:18:33 PM »
I lost my husband when my son was only 9 months - I had always intended to have one more but since I had my son at 40...I simply have run out of time. I kept my pregnancy stuff for a while after being widowed  just in case I met someone but it never happened. I'm so happy and fortunate to have my son (who's is happy and healthy) but I wistfully think about our other child that never was. And my son (now age 5) keeps asking me to grow a brother or sister!

iloveyoualways

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Re: For those who wanted more children
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2017, 12:55:06 AM »
Sometimes I feel like you write my words still_lost. I always wanted a lot of children but I was willing to settle on three. My husband wanted only one so I guess he won. Our son was very premature and spent two months in the hospital. I never got the "normal" pregnancy or birth, taking baby home, and breastfeeding experiences. I went from having a midwife attended hospital birth to learning about perinatologists and neonatologists. I worried about long term risks of his prematurity. We waited two years and I went to see a specialist to have a plan if I become high risk again. We bought a bigger home, got pregnant, and I had a miscarriage two months before my husband died in an accident.

I was widowed at 36 years, with a two year old toddler, in a new home, on the day that we were to try again, almost two months to the day. On that day my life came crashing down hard.

Other than losing my husband, giving up my dream of another child was the worst grief to deal with, and we lost a lot. I was forced to sell our home and staged the third bedroom with our baby stuff. It broke my heart every time that I went in there. I bawled my eyes out. Going through the garage, my husband's stuff, and our baby stuff was more than I could manage at times. My current MD delivers babies so I avoided appointments with her for years. I just couldn't see the pregnant women and their partners.

I'm too old to have another baby now and my son is almost nine years old. He has physical and mental health issues, and learning disabilities. He's a lot for me lately. This isn't the life that I planned. He has been both a burden and a blessing. I think that you know what I mean still_lost.

The psychological pain of not holding another baby will forever exist. But my guilt of the not so perfect childhood that my son endured after his father's death will always make me feel guilty too.