Author Topic: The layered emotion complications  (Read 305 times)

KrypticKat

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The layered emotion complications
« on: July 08, 2017, 10:16:31 PM »
I'm getting closer to the anniversary. And yet I'm getting further away from the first day. I find I have moments where I actually feel Joy now but I never just feel Joy alone. I will feel sad underneath at the same time. I can feel sadness and I can feel peace. I remember what it was like to just feel happy and ecstatic about life. Back when my husband was still around. Now I'll have moments of Happiness similar to what I had before but there's always this layer. This layer of anxiety. This layer of pain. This layer of sadness. And honestly I'm just tired of it. And I fear I will spend the rest of my life with this layer around me. This complication that will never go away. I don't want to forget my husband. But it doesn't seem fair that I spend the rest of my life feeling broken because of something I couldn't control. An accident I was nowhere near and had no influence on. Everything feels so complicated. Nothing is simple. I am a happy person and I try to feel Joy and I've had so many good days. But there is always this layer. And I  worry it will never go away.

KatieMO

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Re: The layered emotion complications
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2017, 11:25:20 PM »
Kat I just got past the ... anniversary myself, and I am right there with you. The anxiety is the frustrating part but the sadness is worse. I know that you've probably heard it, I mean I have too, but having someone to talk to be it a therapist a doctor or hell just on here, has helped. I know I am going to speak with my own doctor this week as my anxiety and PTSD (had before my husband's passing) are starting to affect my work.

The layers of the suck cake are hard to get through and there will always be the down moments. Not just days, hell there may be weeks where the anxiety and sad seem to be all there is.

But the good helps and not making ourselves 'be happy' is healthier I think then forcing it to be brave or strong or whatever b.s. is fed into our minds.

I don't know what the rest of my life, your life, anyone's life is going to hold. You don't have to forget your husband. There will always be layers, from this, from the loss of a pet, from past experiences, from future ones.

Some good, some bad.

Take the bad days and let them be what they are. And let the good days be good.

I won't keep going on and on about how we will 'heal' or get 'fixed' because I have no idea, I'm still with you in it still being fresh.

But all we can do is keep going.
Life goes on and so do I but damn it'd be nice for the world to stop for five minutes.

BrokenHeart2

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  • Widowed 2013
Re: The layered emotion complications
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2017, 01:42:39 AM »
KK you describe this so well.  'This layer' that underlies your life right now.  Yes, I too have that layer you are describing.  Early out and I am referring to a few years out (I'm at just over 4 yrs now) that layer was pretty thick and I felt just as you are describing and wondered if I will always feel like this.  I have come to find that the layer has thinned or I have just learned to live with it and not let it be as predominant in my life.  I still have my days but they are different now.  I know we are all different in our grief and I hope your layer thins in time as well.
As Katie so well states 'let the good days be good.'  Its taken me a lot longer than I thought it would but that has started to happen for me and for that I am thankful.
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.