I think it's time to cut my ties...

[KrypticKat]

This is so against my nature. I would honestly rather keep a neutral open relationship but I just can't do it anymore. I moved past the hurtful actions of my in-laws during the early stages of our grieving. I didn't fight for the insurance money even though we were in the process of turning over the beneficiary names. I paid the debts, the funeral...

I returned personal items early on so they could connect to him. I vented to friends but was always polite and respectful despite their behaviour. I never tried to get people on my side. I just wanted peace. I gave a portion of his ashes to allow them to intern them how they needed.

And all it got me was glares, abandonment, gossiping and them trying to erase my value from my husband's life. I stopped texting my brother in law's to see if they'd reach out. I haven't heard anything in 7 months. I still went to family functions and my mother in law stormed out of the last one upon seeing me and made the sons leave with her.

I also just found out they got a bursary made in his name. No where in it does it mention he was married. It does mention many other people. I'm happy there is a bursary but it hurts a little that I mean so little to them I wouldn't be a part of his story.

I think they honestly wish I didn't exist and it hurts. I've tried to leave the door open for us to at least connect and be amicable but my mother in law's pathological dependancy on her boys is toxic and nothing I do makes a difference. She never grieved the loss of her own love and my.husband filled his shoes. And it seems I'm to blame for her pain now.

So now I think I need to block them, unfriend them and be done with it. Any contact at this point has only caused pain and shown how little they see me as my husband's wife. I want to hold on to what I have of him and take it forward with me into whatever good life I might be able to have. But this toxic painful connection needs to stop.

I don't like doing this but what is left to do? This is hard.

I truly believe now even if I gave into every demand I would still be on the outside because letting me in would mean acknowledging what I brought to my husband's life.

Feeling low.

[BrokenHeart2]

KK, I'm sorry you are having to endure this at your lowest point.  It's their issue, not yours.  You don't need to put up with this shit.  My 2 SILs have their issues and they are now out of my life and as sad as it made me at the time it is liberating to me now.  I have learned that is my old life, whether I like it or not.  I have no room for BS anymore and I've learned that's not a bad thing.  Yes, it hurts right now for many various (and unbelievable) reasons but in time it will soften and you will grow in ways you never expected.
Blessings and hugs to you.

[Needytoo]

I agree with BrokenHeart2, it's their issue.  I went through so much anger during recovery and once in awhile it still pop outs. Venting does help and lord knows I have used these boards to vent but I also used these boards to help me heal and let go. 

Please don't take this the wrong way but working on ourselves (and time) does help with so many issues. There are so many things we need to learn about ourselves and it takes time. Hope some of this makes sense.

[Julester3]

We talked about difficult inlaws on another thread but I feel you have gone above and beyond and it is sad they are cutting you out like this and treating you this way with public outraged demonstrations. So childish. I agree with you that there is not much else you can do. Though it goes against your nature, it's for the best. Hugs!

[Wheelerswife]

Ah, KK.

I don't know what it is about in-laws!

I keep contact with MIL#1.  Sh is frail and quite elderly now.  The rest of the family has been cordial in the few times I have interjected myself into their lives...as in for my FIL's funeral, where I was ushered to the "friends" section.  I don't know if it would have been different if I hadn't remarried, but I don't think so.

I have cut ties with MIL#2.  She is bitter.  She is also quite elderly and stubborn.  She seemed surprised that my husband's memorial service was not all about her.  I keep a cordial relationship through occasional letters and emails with his brother.  I doubt I will see him again.  He lives in Alaska.  I have allowed him to have the vast majority of his brother's well catalogued memorabilia.  He is happy with that and doesn't know what I have kept.

I'm better off this way.  I think you will be, too.

It doesn't make it easy, though.

Maureen 

[Mizpah]

KK, like you I had some very hurtful, upsetting things done to me by the ILs very early on, and like you, I prefer to keep relationships rather than discarding them.  I decided to put aside everything that happened in the first month, but draw a line for myself, and if they crossed it, I had to force myself to stop engaging.  They didn't cross the line I set for myself, but years later, after what I felt was consistent, sustained, hurtful indifference on their part, I stopped contacting them, and we were out of touch for two years.  I resumed contact only recently, because I'd heard that MIL was ill, but the point of me sharing this is to tell you that while the rift upset me in the beginning and in theory, it made my life far easier and I did not have any regrets.  It also helped me feel less hurt by them because it was easier to realize from afar that it had everything to do with them and nothing to do with me.  I hope you find some peace now about this.

[Captains wife]

I really cant believe the way some people act - I know they are hurting but so are you. My MIL has on several occasions said that I have no idea what she is going through, losing her son. That may be true but its not a grief competition. Some of the items you wrote are eerily similar to what I have experienced. One day I woke up and said, what things in my life are weighing me down and holding me back from happiness ? One of them was the (deteriorating) relationship with my inlaws and the time I was spending with them. They have certainly been good to me in their own way - and for that I am grateful - but a lot of toxic stuff has gone down that I am not ok with and its very triggering. I personally cant and wont cut off my inlaws because of the relationship they have with my son (and they are so good to him) but I have really diminished the time I spend with them and that has helped reduce the anger and frustration. I wish you all the best and am sorry for all the anguish they are giving you.....

[KrypticKat]

I suppose that is one reason I can cut them off and others atruggle because my husband and I never got to have children. We were just starting out together. I have our cat which sadly my MIL seems more concerned with how he is doing than me. He's doing well FYI.

All your messages give me some reassurance that this is probably the right step. My life involving them is over. I need to take forward the good and leave the bad. Honoring my husband and his memory is the former...they are the later. Some of his extended family are still great and I want to keep in touch. Still not sure what that will look like but I guess time will tell.

It's weird how I still have this tugging feeling that I'm Supposed to stay in touch with the immediate family but really I think that's just me remembering my husband and wanting to respect him and those from his life.

Thank you all for your support. Kk

[Mizpah]

It's weird how I still have this tugging feeling that I'm Supposed to stay in touch with the immediate family but really I think that's just me remembering my husband and wanting to respect him and those from his life.

I had this same struggle, because DH was an extremely good son, and so I wanted to honor his parents - to be more like him, to be more like what I believed he would want me to be (but still not really sure on that on - what he would've wanted me to do)....  There came a point for me, on many things, where I had to let go of trying to either figure out or follow what it was he would've done or wanted, and started making decisions not as tributes but as good life choices for me, as a still living person.  I think paying tribute to him through my decisions made sense for a time, and helped me, and was part of grieving/healing, but, like I said, there was a time when I had to lay that part down, and continue to re-center, from him-and-me and from honoring him, to what was best for me.

[sojourner]

It strikes me that, in reality, they've already done the tie-severing themselves through their actions. Now, you're simply making note of it, and acting in accordance with their behaviors. It is what it is.

You do not deserve to be, and ought not acquiese to be their scapegoat for their own feelings of loss. Fwiw, that's my view. Stand tall, as is right. Chin up- my hope for you would be for you to have confidence in your own value, and know this is a reflection on *them,* not you.

Peace to you.

[KrypticKat]

It strikes me that, in reality, they've already done the tie-severing themselves through their actions. Now, you're simply making note of it, and acting in accordance with their behaviors. It is what it is.

You are so right. The message could not be more clear now. Amazingly yesterday I actually got an opportunity to talk one of his family members who bless her soul wants to get it to the point where we can be in the same room. She doesn't know the whole situation but I appreciate that she just doesn't want there to be this discord.

Our conversation was an opportunity for me to provide my point of view. I wasn't petty, I didn't attack, but I did stand up for myself and I refuse to be painted the villain. The bottom line is it seems like these particular immediate family feel I didn't grieve in a way they would have liked. I didn't make it about them and therefore it was a personal attack.

It still blows my mind. All I know now is I could have done somersaults and backflips and I don't think it would have made a difference. I just unfriended the whole lot of them. It's honestly a little bit liberating. I'm sure that time this will be one of the best decisions I've ever made. It just took me awhile to reach this point. I needed to feel like there was no guilt or responsibility left on me and that I'd given everything a shot in respect for my husband. There honestly is nothing left and I will not feel bad. I will keep my chin up and I will move forward and I think my husband will be proud of me for doing that.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hugs KK.  I understand how hurtful and hard all of this is.

[tybec]

KK,

This is difficult. Sometimes they make the decision for you or you have to do so.  Sounds like you have come to some terms.

I have read a lot here, and realize I was lucky in lots of aspects with the in laws.  They are/were great people, but my LH was an only child.  Close to cousins growing up like siblings, but they all grew up and moved or started families.  The nuclear family and their branch became more a priority than the big family celebrations.  My LH loved his extended family, but noted as an adult, they never came to visit.  He could see them, visit them, but one way. 

So, after his death, mind you we were together 28 yrs total, most communication was FB.  A few cards, no calls.  No assistance otherwise, and they could have helped me or LH's mother a lot with their skills and finances.  Nope.

I am not angry/hurt anymore.  I am part of the family IF I go there and participate in their lives, but no reaching out to me.

MIL stayed here as she followed us.  She has been helpful and involved, until I felt smothered.  Started new relationship contact 2 years ago, and then, when dating, changed more.  She has accepted it and has a new role in my life.  She is not my best friend, and we do not have to do all kinds of things together, which is how the in-laws are.  All things together, all the time   She is moving when she can, makes her own choices about herself, and does not consult with me.  She has changed our relationship, too.

It is sad, the collateral damage, I call it, from a loss, a hub in a family, the changes. Even with no drama or hurtful actions, there is still so much loss.

I am sorry you had to go through this, also.

[Bunny]

I am not angry/hurt anymore.  I am part of the family IF I go there and participate in their lives, but no reaching out to me.

Thank you for stating, so succinctly, the reality with many of my friends/family. Unfortunately, I'm still working through some feelings of anger and hurt when it comes to a few of my closer former friends. I think that's why I try not to think about it- because when something triggers that reality I just feel so abandoned by them- easier to not go there.


KK- I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but unfortunately it's just another part of grief nobody tells you about. Who could know- or believe- how some people will react towards us in widowhood? Most of the time I'm cool with how tiny my world has become, but every once in a while something happens that makes me take a giant step back from my life so I can really truly look at the scope of all those secondary losses and it still- quite unexpectedly- makes me cry.

[mmg19]

KK

Sending hugs.  I am so sorry you are going through this.