Author Topic: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time  (Read 3842 times)

Trying

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #30 on: September 01, 2017, 12:19:37 PM »
Tybec it sounds like you both have a lot on your plates right now.  Before we got engaged NG and I each complained at different times that we were "together but separate", each dealing with our own stuff alone even if we were supportive.

I can't speak for the future of your relationship but we are now operating as more of a team.  We are definitely not yet at the place I was with DH because I still deal most of the things to do with my kids and he deals with most to do with his.  We are slowly integrating with the younger kids but I don't think it will ever be 50-50.  House stuff and our personal stuff is now more of a partnership.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's decline, between moving and this you have a great deal of stress and I'm sure it has you missing your DH and the strong partnership you had.
You will forever be my always.

daysofelijah

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #31 on: September 01, 2017, 06:59:31 PM »
I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It's good you can spend so much time with her now. I can't speak to the situation with your NG, but I hope things work out for him with his custody issues so you can both have more time to grow your relationship if that's what is best.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,9,5)

arneal

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #32 on: September 02, 2017, 01:50:38 PM »
Oh, tybec ... this is so hard. I wrote a blog post a week or so ago about being willing to beat Death to a pulp if I had to for my son; would I go to such extremes for NG? If we were at a commitment level of being in the same house/engaged/married? Absolutely. I have not been in a challenging situation like you have as caregiver for your parents and can't imagine how I would feel if I was and NG was unwilling to support me. I would understand if he was unable; I remember my LH's family basically ostracizing him for not attending his auntie's funeral. He was on contract to work that day and they could not understand. There are times when we can't do something but to say nothing and just go on as if it was okay is problematic ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #33 on: September 02, 2017, 02:33:38 PM »
tybec   So sorry to hear of your Mom's decline.  Although I'm nowhere near the level commitment in my relationship that you have w/your NG, I too wonder about the blending of families and what level of support to expect.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that realistically I won't again have the level of support that I had with my late husband.  I do hope with time to learn to grow with, love and have the support of a new extended family.  Follow through for me would be important, it's not enough to just listen.  You're both dealing with some stressful things right now, hope that you can find some peaceful days ahead and time to sort out the relationship.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

tybec

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #34 on: September 15, 2017, 09:05:08 AM »
My new "stuff". 

A statement I thought benign lead to a discussion of our relationship pace.  NG indicated in it that he believes I base our "pace" on my 20 plus marriage. Yup, I likely do.  I told him I would "back off" then, as my 28 yr. old time with DH is the only relationship I had, so I know no different. He quickly responded he did not wish for me to "back off" in any manner.  But that he thought I would likely understand him better and his responsibilities  if I was divorced vs. widowed, worked full time versus part time, etc.  I responded I was who I was, and he was his "story".  And I did take into consideration his circumstances. We would work out, or we would not.  But that I did have reasonable expectations of a relationship.  He agreed my expectations were reasonable but we are not "there" yet.

For some reason it was freeing to have this dialogue.  Though uncomfortable, I just feel differently.  I am going to keep swimming, enjoy some adult time, but attempt to let go of my preconceived notions, which is freeing.

arneal

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #35 on: September 17, 2017, 02:04:04 PM »
Glad you had a talk, tybec, and that you are in a good place!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #36 on: September 18, 2017, 01:08:17 PM »
Just reality with dating with kids.

NG hung out the evenings at my house all weekend, not his kids' weekend.  My DS is getting more used to his presence but not warmed up a whole lot.  NG is reaching out, asking him to things, trying to connect in activities he thinks my son may like or participate in with his children.  My son is slow to warm, I think and dealing with his mom is really serious about this guy, the only guy besides his dad.

Well, NG came for dinner Sunday and was checking his schedule. He has something every night this week with his children's activities.  And then it is his weekend with them.  They are doing a hike/bike thing Sunday.  My son is not  up to it. I burned my son out some in boy scouts with camping, hiking, and he does not love it, now. NG is just starting all that up with his kids being younger.

So, not sure when we will connect again. I know NG has 2 kids, so twice the amount of activities I did with my son.  He deserves to have that time, and I will work on accepting this.  It is highly likely my son will be involved soon with school events, too, so we will be going in different directions.

I read an article that many relationships now are together an average of 4 years prior to marriage.  The average time dating is 1.4 yrs., move in together and get engaged about 1.8 yrs. later, and then plan the wedding.  Interesting, huh? 

We are past the 1.4 yrs. of dating, but on hold for moving forward.  I am okay with that, now.  MY how things change!

« Last Edit: September 18, 2017, 03:36:18 PM by tybec »

arneal

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #37 on: September 18, 2017, 02:09:37 PM »
That is an interesting statistic, tybec -- do they mean the couple is involved for about 4 years, then get to the point of considering moving in and marriage about 3-4 months prior to doing so? I find the whole 4 years thing interesting for sure, since when I tell people that my NG and I are at about 1 year, 4 months since our first date, they raise their eyebrows and start asking about the future. I tell them that I am hopeful that we will continue to grow closer but with the way relationships develop these days, I try not to think too far ahead  :o
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #38 on: September 18, 2017, 03:27:03 PM »
http://www.refinery29.com/2017/07/164210/how-long-couples-spend-together-before-getting-married




Arneal,

My poor communication. I wrote months, and it should have been years.  Here is where I read it.  Nothing in stone, exceptions always, of course. But, I don't seem to know any YOUNG couples not living together prior to marriage.

Quote
This breaks down as 1.4 years (17 months) of dating before moving in together, living together for 1.83 years (22 months) before getting engaged, and spending 1.67 years (20 months) engaged before getting married. On average, couples will spend 3.5 years living together before marriage, and nearly nine in 10 couples (89%) live together in some capacity beforehand. (We're guessing financial reasons are behind the decision for many couples.)
[
« Last Edit: September 18, 2017, 03:36:42 PM by tybec »

arneal

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Re: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time
« Reply #39 on: September 18, 2017, 03:34:43 PM »
Thanks for sharing, tybec. You are right -- nothing is set in stone in this process. NG and I are just about at the 1.4 year mark since we started dating but I can't imagine having a move-in conversation just because of life circumstances. I own my home and he is renting with his youngest daughter to help her save expenses while she is still in school. I think they have a set lease time frame so such a conversation is not even on the radar. Plus, I would want to be in a slightly better situation myself before considering such a thing for logistical reasons. I have a two vehicles that do not run -- the sedan in the garage and the SUV in the driveway. I can't get rid of them because I don't hold title. If I could get rid of them both, I'd be all for it because he has a motorcycle and a work truck. Heck, even with just the SUV gone for now, it would clear the driveway for his little work truck and the bike. But I am not ready to have a discussion on how much I owe for them both  :o Life choices to survive are not always the best ... the loan on the sedan is big and I have a title loan on the truck. Oh, well. Who knows what the future will bring?
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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NG's kids are in Florida with their mom and grandparents for fall break.  So, I have had lots of time with NG. We have had LOTS of discussions, some disagreements.  The honeymoon is over.  Working through it.

Well, court for his kids isn't until MARCH.  So, waiting to even go to court is basically this whole school year.  There will be no changes with his custody arrangement until then, at the earliest.  I knew we are on hold for future decisions about us, where we are going, where he lives, etc.  He is referring to us more and more as US and WE and such.  But wow.  I had no idea about things taking forever to change. 

Anyone else just waiting due to other circumstances?  On one level, I am like, "Well, this gives us time to decide if we are really IT."  My other level says, " You know tomorrow isn't promised.  How long to wait?" 

Widowhood.  Meh.

Captains wife

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Tybec - I had to chuckle re. Your widowhood meh comment. I'm right there too. My relationship has been somewhat in limbo due to a custody battle and it's not pleasant. And his ex seems really unpleasant and to some extent our schedule seems to have to revolve around her. This mid life dating isn't easy or for the faint hearted. And I'd  have to make all the compromises (moving to new area, taking my son away from the only place he's ever known, an even longer commute for work) if we took things to the next level- not fair as I'm the true single parent. But for some reason I don't worry about the future anymore and just taking one step at a time. If this relationship is meant to work it out, it will be worked out....for me, I'm using this limbo time to really get to know NG, figure out what I/we want. But none of this is easy and there are days when I get annoyed about the limbo stuff.

arneal

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So sorry, tybec and Captains wife. Limbo. Ugh. I think much of 'mid-life dating' is limbo. For me, I honestly don't know exactly what I want or how I want it, other than just. being. happy. What does that look like? Life has been tough and I often wonder if I would know 'happy' if it landed in my lap. Difficulties harden the heart and it is difficult to soften it again. I wrote a blog post that went up this morning about 'how did I get here' -- I was standing in my backyard with my dogs yesterday and the thought just hit me as I stood, looking out at the sky and feeling the wind blow. I have been widowed twice and I feel like I've become the cat lady neighbor -- I have one neurotic cat, two crazy guard dogs, a fish tank. I sometimes go out to water the lawn in my robe. Yeah, I've turned into 'her'  :P It was a momentary pity party but I got over it.

With the dating thing, I just don't know. I guess I'm in it for the ride. In my 'how did I get here' moment yesterday, I imagined having the break up conversation with NG. Not sure where that came from, but I think it's how I've always lived life: prepare for the worst so if it happens, you can bounce back quickly. I am not feeling like we are on that road, but it's just how my mind works sometimes. CW -- you mentioned the compromises, which made me remember a conversation he and I had last weekend. I was talking about wanting my passport and he said he can't even think about getting one for another year or so; things had gotten so volatile with the ex when she didn't even want to talk to him, she put out a restraining order, meaning he can't own a firearm or get a passport until it expires. When they first broke up, she kept a bunch of his stuff out of spite (things like blankets and sheets -- yeah, it was like that) and he would try to contact her to ask for it all back. She got mad, filed the order. He abided by it and in the end, she gave the stuff back -- his daughter had to go and meet her to get it. So ugly. That means if I could take a real vacation somewhere out of the country, he couldn't go.

I also brought up Thanksgiving. He said, 'We are cooking ...' whatever it was, meaning he and his daughter have plans this year; she spends the holiday with him for a couple years and then with her mom for a couple years. I am a planner, so I am wondering if I'll be invited to join them. I think it hit me as I was thinking about the 'how did I get here' -- this year would be the first I spent completely alone if I don't get invited. I will still cook and enjoy not having to work for a couple days, but still ...

In my case, should things advance, he would be the one to make more compromises like you mention, CW -- I own my home and live farther from the home office of his job and right now, certainly farther than where he commutes to every day. He has more storage space in his room in the apartment he and his daughter have than I do because it's newer than my house, so that would be interesting.

Yeah, I do a lot of thinking for my limbo time  :o
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

trying2breathe

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For me, I honestly don't know exactly what I want or how I want it, other than just. being. happy.


^ this, exactly.  As wids we know too well that life offers no guarantees - one day at a time is my mantra these days.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

tybec

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Thanks for the feedback.  It is good to know others get it.  I don't know if I am cut out for the drama of a custody battle and on going interactions with the ex and family.  I did move to his town, but not just for him.  I am attending a different church for my son due to the youth program.  I started a small group to meet people.  I am interviewing for jobs to shorten my commute of 90 minutes. 

My son loves his new school.  The difference in education is palatable.  Starts his day in Lego robotics for an elective and ends in geometry in the HS, as he is in MS.  There was nothing like this in my very poor county we lived in.  My mother is slowly dying with hospice involved.  I am where I need to be.  Just not all sure about the NG and fam.  I like his kids, his activiites he does with them. He is a great dad.  But all the other.  Yeah.

It will work or it won't.  My mantra.  It is the fact no matter how I think about it.  Thanks again.