Author Topic: Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time  (Read 3979 times)

arneal

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tybec -- hitting 'like' on your post just didn't say enough. This whole moving forward thing is ... something else. Your point: It will work or it won't. My mantra. It is the fact no matter how I think about it. -- so true.

{{{hugs}}}
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

tybec

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Thanks Arneal.

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I imagined having the break up conversation with NG. Not sure where that came from, but I think it's how I've always lived life: prepare for the worst so if it happens, you can bounce back quickly. I am not feeling like we are on that road, but it's just how my mind works sometimes.
[/i]

I do this, too.  I thought it was a fatalist view.  Maybe just more common because of our situations with death?  I am glad I am not the only one who goes there. 

Captains wife

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Yes....I understand this. I also want to minimize drama in my life given everything we have gone through. I just find it so frustrating being in a relationship where a third party seems to dictate a lot of what is going on...I just don't have these issues on my side although I guess dating a widow with a young child has its own challenges. I know I should be more understanding of NG's situation sometimes- but honestly it just pisses me off re. All the compromises I feel I've been making. Just my honesty speaking !

tybec

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NG is without kids this weekend, so hanging with my son and me.  I admit, I like to have him to myself. He is on guard with me and his kids, like he won't touch me at all, as he worries about what they will say to their mother. Well, his son called and talked for an hour.  They are taking the first scouting camping trip next weekend, and he talked excitingly about the trip and went over plans.  NG and his sons are 4 yrs. behind me and my son and all this, so I have been there and done that.  He is Pack leader and stuff, just like my LH was.  I am happy for him and his sons.  I asked if he had ever talked to his son that long, and he didn't think so, and it was not the prescribed phone time. They skype nightly at 7.   He also skipped breakfast  with us to take the call, and then he had to leave for his other son's soccer game.

Ummm, did the ex put him up to calling?  Why would he happen to call at this time of day and such?  Again, happy for NG and his son's interest, but timing was impeccable.  NG hopes it will become a norm.  Call him when they want to talk to him, which is normal and natural.  Makes me smile and smirk at the same time. 
« Last Edit: October 14, 2017, 11:40:57 AM by tybec »

arneal

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Blending households in the best of circumstances is weird. When there is an over the top ex? Oh my. I remember when LH put a ring on my finger; it was a few days after his divorce was final (mind you, he and the ex had been legally separated for oh, 10+ years? And we had lived together for about four). His daughter told her mom and she called LH and said something like, you just couldn't wait, could you? He was like, no LOL! Par for the course I suppose.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Captains wife

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I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying. I spoke with my son earlier ( he's with my inlaws) and I left my evening free. I am trying to be understanding but it admittedly grates on me as well

Sugarbell

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I get all of this.

NG is a wonderful guy..I've never been with anyone as caring, considerate, honest, thoughtful..and the chemistry is amazing.

But the baggage..dear lord..crazy ex who can never be counted on to pick up daughter on the right days, hours..literally it's almost impossible to make plans. His Mother lives out on family land close to him and has never driven. He is at her beck and call literally 24/7. He can't leave the family land and will be out there forever. It's way way out. I would never live out there with kids involved in stuff..and really this sounds harsh..but until His Mom finds a new man to take care of her or she dies..we aren't going to be moving forward. I just can't do it.

He works like a dog on the farm and works 40 hours a week in the city. There isn't much time left for us.

It is what it is..I don't want anyone else...but we are plateauing for a while. Don't see our lives totally blending for many years.

Damn this is complicated.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

tybec

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Thanks for the validation.  I go from anger to guilt regarding NG and his kids' situation.  I have to be supportive of his goal with his children as I KNOW what it is like to have a fatherless child, al beit different reasons. 

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I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying.
 
OMG, CW.  I did the same thing this weekend.  Skype wouldn't work, and he finally had to call his ex to get assistance.  I don't know how many events we have had, and he steps out to do this.  It is not a big deal as his dedication to his kids is admirable.  But I do wonder about this being FOREVER. 

SB, Oh MY!  The complexity of your situation.  I appreciate you sharing. 

Arneal, your past experiences are helpful to hear.  I joke I was raised by the Cleavers, as my parents married in 1950, and I was the change of life baby in their 40s.  I can't change that, but this new world to me is not new to many.  I am the anomaly.   It grounds me to hear other stories of folks.  Thanks.

trying2breathe

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I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying. I spoke with my son earlier ( he's with my inlaws) and I left my evening free. I am trying to be understanding but it admittedly grates on me as well

This would grate on me too.  NG took a call last weekend from his brother while we were out on a romantic date night.  No crisis or anything, they talked for almost 10 minutes while I sat at a candlelit dining table across from him very pissed off.  After he hung up, I called him on it and calmly said that I wouldn't stay if he did it again. I make it a habit to put my phone away and consider it common courtesy for him to do this too.   I get it when there are young ones at home or a situation that warrants keeping the phone at hand, I've done this and explain the situation on why my phone is out.  It's hard to communicate standards and establish boundaries - I'm doing this more as the relationship continues.  Part of getting to know each other I guess.
Have I told you lately how much I love you?

arneal

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Oh, Sugarbell. So sorry. But good for you for setting your priorities. If he can't separate from mum, it's on him. As an adult, he has to choose and you can't do it for him. Live your life. If you choose to wait for him as your intimate partner, cool. However, don't you dare sit home! Go bowling, take yourself out to dinner, go to one of those Groupon wine and painting things, something. Perhaps he'll realize that not everyone sits and waits like he is doing and hopefully it will open his eyes.

You go, trying2! I don't always put my phone away when I am with NG but only take calls or texts when important, like from my house sitter. I did once take one from a friend as I thought something was wrong; she'd been having a rough time with her husband and I wanted to make sure I didn't need to round up the posse LOL. Other than that, we just use our phones to show one another stuff online or look for better directions somewhere. Every now and again he'll have to check for a work related message but even that's diminished with the new gig. He works extra hours right now with the drive to some of the locations so over the past two weekends we had one total miss (he was going to get back to me about going out on Sunday but never got back) and one hit (I messaged to ask if he wanted to go see the new Blade Runner this past weekend and he said yes; mind you, I texted on Friday evening and didn't hear back until about 8:30 pm because he was just getting in after leaving his place at about 4 am. I already had lunch plans for late afternoon on Sunday and by the time I got to him around 5 pm, he said he'd fallen asleep. But we went and had a good time, even though by the time we got back to his house he was wiped out and I just came on home). This coming Saturday, I'm going for an archery lesson. I am writing again as well.

Keep yourself active, friends -- while we can't help loving who we love, we must love ourselves and live as well. There's too much beauty and fun in the world!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Sugarbell

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It's a different culture..old Appalachia culture. It's lots of family things..all of us..his sisters, Mom..extended family. I'm not stuck at home..just his Mom is around a lot. His Dad and other brother died right when he was going thru his divorce. Dad and oldest brother drove her everywhere then.

Now it's all on him.

I grew up here in rural WV..I understand the culture. But never grew up that way.

My family is polar opposite. Oldest son likes his family...middle kid thinks it's nuts and it's all a bunch of country folks and wants no part of it. Daughter just goes with the flow.

Time will tell. He's a wonderful man..but I'm slowing some of this down for a while.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

tybec

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Quote
Time will tell. He's a wonderful man..but I'm slowing some of this down for a while.

 I am here, too, SB.  Great guy, but there is so much stuff to work out with blending.  It will be 2 years in March for us when we started dating.  But not going to rush it now knowing more.

  I have a friend that is divorced twice and widowed once.  Yes, strange life she has had, marrying at 16 with a baby on the way.  Then her 2nd husband died.  3rd husband cheated and she left.  She has had blended families or new stepparents to manage. She has seen the best and worst and warns me often to be cautious.  Makes me go hmmmm.......

marriedwithkids77

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Ugh!

Put you and your son first!! That's pretty shitty of him (I know I know his kids).

Think I would focus on making a life for myself and son in New place and put a few walls up to NG. If its meant to be..he will work hard to also be there for you and your future. If not...-a move is still a good thing and make be what you need.


I agree

tybec

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Well, after spending all last weekend together, nothing this week. We both have activities nightly almost with our own children.  And he volunteers one night a week at the VFW.  Well, I have been fine this week. I haven't worried about it and just talked briefly each day and carried on.  I am not playing games, just getting used to the reality of our lives.

NG has cub scout camping this weekend.  He called Friday on his way to get his kids, just to chat.  Asked me what we were doing for dinner, and I was at a drive thru.  OK, he'd talk later but thought maybe we could have met for dinner with the kids.  I text back he was welcome to come over later and let the kids play video games together. His kids are enamored with my son's knowledge of games and stuff.  Calls back and says he is on his way after they pick up something for dinner.

I laid low, and he sought out to see us.  I have to admit it makes me smile.  I told him I only have one more week left of my small group, and he commented I would be free that night then.  For a while I will be free.  ;)   I needed him to pursue time with us, me, not fit me in his schedule. 

Still, time will tell.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2017, 07:43:45 AM by tybec »

arneal

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Good for you, tybec!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b