Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time

[tybec]

Well, strange weekend ahead.  My mother has been in hospice for several months, which I understand is common.  I was called in Wednesday to come as time was nearing.  She made it through the night, and here we are Friday morning.  It is happening, but not as quickly as the hospice nurse thought.

NG has his weekend without his kids, but I am dealing with a lot.  He has called and text me often to check in and then Wed. he came after his volunteer work to just sit.  My 3 brothers know, but nothing yet.  I am in a new city, so know no one well.  I could call my new church for support.  Not ready for that.  Hospice is helpful.

So, he is helping with what he can.  He is available.  It is sad stuff.  He has lost a grandfather, and that is his only major death/loss experience besides his divorce.  I appreciate his support. 

It is strange to not have my LH to help.  There was no asking, we just were a team.

Rambling.  I am thankful NG is supporting me.  This dating stuff is odd, and I didn't know what he might do in a long sad process like this.

[arneal]

tybec -- so sorry you having to go through this with your mum. With anyone ... Glad that LH is there but doesn't seem overbearing. I imagine he might not be sure what to do if his loss experiences are minimal but he is there. If possible, let him help more if you are up to it. Being alone through this process or trying to invite in folks you aren't sure you want to invite in, like your new church family, is hard ...

{{{hugs}}} and know we are here too.

[Forgottenwife]

Tybec, I'm sending love and peace to you as you say goodbye to your Mom.

[Abitlost]

Adding my support, Tybec. Hugs,

abl

[tybec]

Thanks, all.  It has been hard.  My mother is lingering.  The hospice nurse was not right this time, and we are headed into another week.  It is going to happen.  I am sad, but not sad like losing my mate.  My mom is shy of turning 89, so she has had a long and very good life. Her body is just worn out.  Not the same of a loss of a relatively young spouse. This just seems natural, the way it is "supposed" to be.  But waiting is tiresome.

NG has been supportive.  His kids were not with him, so he checked on me, went to lunch a couple times.  He offered to come sit with me.  I declined.  I need to do that part by myself mostly.

This situation has put it clearly that NG and I are at crazy different seasons of life.  I do wonder about meshing things together.  His kids going to the school around the corner from his house and he living in the same school district are so convenient.  We are on hold.  But I do wonder if it really will work.  He commented that my home is mine and my sons' home and we missed the mark to make it ours.  Well, that was his situation that caused that delay, not mine.  And now he talks like my son has "marked his territory" and it can't be a home to us all.  I didn't understand that at all.  I am confused about where we are and where we going.  Gosh, never expected to be in this....

[Trying]

Tybec I am so sorry about your mom, what a difficult time.  Im sure that going through a tough personal time highlights that your relationship with NG is not yet a full partnership like you want.  I'm glad to hear he is trying to be supportive but it's probably not a good time to discuss the state of your relationship or the future, focus on your mom and taking care of yourself. 

Hoping your mom is at peace soon and sending you hugs.

[trying2breathe]

tybec  I wish a peaceful transition for your mom.  And I hope that the relationship is sorted soon, a very emotional time for everybody.  Hugs ~

[Captains wife]

I'm so sorry about your mum - this must be a very difficult time. I'm also sorry about NG's recent comments. While he seems supportive surrounding your mum, the house comments weren't necessary. As you pointed out, the delay was his doing not yours. And certainly this isn't the time to address that given what you have going on with your own family. No, not easy what so ever. Take one day at a time....

[tybec]

Thank you for your input.  You all made good points.  I just need to breathe, handle one thing at a time as much as I can and not try to figure out things RE: NG and our relationship.

I am anxious, and I have lots of loose strings right now I cannot control or tie up nicely.  YA think I would get that - you can't control everything so why try?  Boy, I am thick skulled in lesson learning on that one.   Do what I can and let the other stuff play out. 

My mother is hanging on.  I heard of stories like this from other folks.  It is amazing that an elderly person with a damaged heart can keep going and yet, all these young folks we loved passed away despite lots of interventions in some cases. I am a Christian woman, but if one more person tells me God has a plan and it is in his timing, I think I will lose it.  I hear it, but I don't need that right now.  Oh, another thread topic, maybe.

[Bunny]

I'm so sorry about your mom, it's hell waiting for someone to die, I can't imagine what that's like with a parent.

As for NG talking about your son marking his territory and thus making it impossible now for it to ever be yours and NG's home...ummmm, seriously? That's just such a ridiculous thing to say. I can't decide if it comes from a place of frustration that things didn't exactly go as he planned with this move, or if it's simply a convenient excuse to not offer you a real long-term commitment. I'm glad you are choosing to live your life and not just put it on hold while 'waiting in the wings' for him, so to speak.

I can tell you are a woman who loathes the loose ends, so my big ol' piece of advice is to make the Serenity Prayer your new mantra . Repeat as necessary- the longer version as well as the better known short one.

Peace.

[arneal]

Right with you, tybec -- sometimes it is those who talk from their place of belief that cause more pain or anguish than so-called non-believers. Sigh.

[tybec]

Bunny, Thank you for the serenity prayer reminder.  I know it, but don't KNOW it.  I will try to use it.  I NEED it.

My mother rallied. There is no explanation.  This waiting is hard.  Strange.  The hospice nurse related death to like birth. We don't know how it is is going to happen.  We don't have  control.  We may come in and go kicking and screaming or with ease.  No one knows until it happens. I liked this analogy.  Patience with life coming and going.  My one brother went home.  I am back to just waiting, trying to make plans with always knowing it could change suddenly.

NG and I are just strange.  I am trying to lay low and not make any major decisions.  He is stressed about things and goes to court this month for contempt when he kept his kids overnight instead of returning them from his 2 hour visit when mother did not arrive and sent her parents.  He is countering her with contempt as she has no flexibility and is showing no form of coparenting.  I know it is weighing on him.

He was so supportive last week.  Not so much now.  I invited him to a Halloween gathering with parents of my son's new friends.  Happened to be in his neighborhood.  He went but then seemed to have an attitude about it later.  I didn't understand it. 

I am sick, catching an eye infection from my mother.  I feel annoyed with it.

He has not been to my home for almost 2 weeks.  Boy, I just didn't envision this.

We have plans to go to Thanksgiving where both our families reside. We are flying, different days, and I am staying with my family, and he with his mother and his boys. Our families live within 30 minute of each other in TX.  Crazy.     So, we have integrated holiday plans.

Patience,  patience, patience.  Just breathe......

[Forgottenwife]

My mother rallied. There is no explanation.  This waiting is hard.  Strange.  The hospice nurse related death to like birth. We don't know how it is is going to happen.  We don't have  control.  We may come in and go kicking and screaming or with ease.  No one knows until it happens.

My stepfather (just like a dad to me, he was wonderful) did just this a few times. Once the hospice nurse told us to call whoever wanted to come and this was the time. My stepfather was completely non-responsive for a day, he looked like he was simply sleeping. In the wee hours of the morning, around 3:30, he opened his eyes and asked me what I was doing in his room! He then demanded to be dressed and to have breakfast. Dad lasted 30 months in hospice care, with a few of these episodes.

We just don't know. I hope your mom is comfortable and well taken care of. Sending you some peace today, its hard.

[arneal]

So sorry, tybec. As Forgotten said, there is no way of telling how these things will go. While you are there, talk to your mum. If she is considered non-responsive, she can still hear you. My Mom-mom (my mom's mother) was like that. I took an emergency flight home when my mom called to tell me the time was near and that the nurses had said if anyone wanted to see her they needed to come right away. We got to her room at about 11 pm and I held her hand, talked to her, and prayed. I was so worried I was hurting her because they said her skin was sensitive; she moaned a lot, even though I was trying to be careful, I wanted her to feel that I was there as well. I reminded her that all her children and grandchildren were grown up and doing okay. That we loved her. We left there and she died at about 2 in the morning. It's never easy.

The first husband was a jerk through tough family times. It had nothing to do with ex's or custody, just his abusive nature. It's hard, trying to balance family life and be compassionate about what your NG is feeling as well. For the holidays, make it great for your kids. If he gets himself together, good. If he ends up distant and only with his family, that's his issue.

{{{hugs}}} know that we are here. Sending positive thoughts all round!

[tybec]

Well, my son is away this weekend.  First time in my new home/new town to be alone.  I made plans with a best friend to come for the weekend.  Her husband became ill on Monday, and then she fell with it Thursday, so no girls weekend.  NG had his kids, but I wanted to be independent.  I contacted a school classmate that moved to this city in Nov.  (no kidding!).  She had made plans with a new friend.  I contacted a new acquaintance as her son was on the retreat with my son.  She had made plans already, too.  So, took the time to regroup, spend time with mother, a bit of retail therapy, too.

NG invited me over to watch a movie with him and his sons.  I left my pride at the door and did so.  I felt I need to be independent but not to the point of being alone on purpose when I can make a connection with him and his boys.  It was okay.

Trying to take good care of me and mine and still date NG.  Always interesting.