Author Topic: Curious as to why this board is so quiet  (Read 1307 times)

BrokenHeart2

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Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« on: September 04, 2017, 08:25:21 PM »
I'm just curious if anyone knows why this board is so quiet over the past long while. I can remember it used to always had a ton of posts.  YWBB was always busy back in the day.
Your thoughts???
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

SunshineFL

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2017, 08:41:03 PM »
Good query to post for discussion @brokenheart2 - I've been wondering the same thing. I think ebbs and flows are natural and to be expected, as people heal and grow, but yes, things do seem significantly more quiet as of late. Interested to hear the feedback. 
Hope you are doing well, friend.
PM anytime  :)
Warm wishes.

Abitlost

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2017, 01:24:55 PM »
BH2,

I think many of the YWBB/widda members formed a private Facebook group (or two?) and that is where they post. My opinion is that is unfortunate, because not all of us are on Facebook.

I also think some members were offended by what they perceived as attacks (private messages and on the board) and they left.

abl

MissingSquish

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2017, 02:19:50 PM »
I don't visit this board as much as I used to. I'm 5+ years out, and the number of widow specific experiences has diminished considerably. I don't find that I feel as alone in this experience anymore, and more of the issues that I currently struggle with are more related to life in general, and not being widowed.
Gone but not forgotten.....my Squish.

Miss you forever baby girl, my Pru!

Mizpah

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2017, 03:33:00 PM »
Back when I was new, in 2011, people were posting all day every day.  It was such a comfort in the early days to read people's thoughts so frequently.  It made me feel sane and not alone.  I wish it was like that again, especially for those early on who need it most. 

(Also, if the FB group is the one I'm thinking of, it's not nearly as active as the board was, either, and doesn't seem to include many new widows - seems more veterans, unless I'm wrong.)
« Last Edit: September 07, 2017, 03:34:53 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

TooSoon

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2017, 06:03:12 PM »
I went on the big FB group and asked people to please come here and post more if they felt inclined.  That it has become too quiet.  There was a brief burst in posting but short-lived.  I personally think it was how the old board's demise was handled.  I know that I felt cut off at a time when I was really in need, and a lot of my interactions shifted after that shifted to Facebook, private messaging and texting.  Its a shame, really.  I still need this community - even after 4.5 years and even having remarried - and try to come back regularly to post just to try to keep it active and to lend support to people new to this widowed reality.  I owe a great debt of gratitude to ywbb and now to this board and its administrators who had it up and running so quickly after the Ywbb shut down.  I should post more.   

Portside

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2017, 10:06:36 PM »

 Hello friends! I pray all are healing and making progress towards whatever endpoint has been hoped for within each of our individual lives.


Let me say I know there are no nefarious intentions nor is anyone purposefully trying to quash a voice or particular points of view here. I am glad the mods are in place and handling this thankless job! THANK YOU!!! But I fear I am going to make it even more thankless. Namely, listing some possible areas that drive out potential posters or even discourage lurkers to sign up and post.

I for sure know when I have issues with staff or clients or at home, it is always due to communication issues. Forum postings are a horrible and wonderful way to communicate. The written word is not always read or received as intended. (So do not feel bad if you think herein I am being an ass. It is not my intention (this time). On rare occasion I have been wrongly labeled NOT an ass. I have not changed.)
 
Therefore, take this post in the good light from which it glows: I am merely asking questions (inartfully to be sure) seeking to find reasons for the low activity of the past months.
 
So the questions which arise for me which may contribute to folks leaving:

1)   Why is Christian content being discounted? I will not detail the many times a poster added a post with religious content and then being taken to task for it. A following member then posts and feels the need to bash God or a particular individual that was in the following poster’s circle that professed to be a God fearing person but failed them in some way. Those comments have nothing to do with the OP’s comment or issue but only have the effect to make the OP feel small. At times, that feeling of Christian content not being valued was so pervasive here that some OPs would sometimes post a message in the title such as “Warning – Christian content” or some such. Remember? It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea certainly. But as much fuss as the forums rules make about being inclusive of all, the feeling of this type of content being discounted is widespread. It’s not overt – rather, it feels like a low key sneering towards those that are Christ centered. And then the result is fewer such posts.

2)   Why when there is antagonism towards widower’s issues, experience and/or speaking style it is allowed to stand? While this forum is certainly open to all, men that speak roughly or inartfully are taken to task for this style of speaking/writing – not for the content of their posts. I think that possibly the only thing we can all agree to here is that men and women are different. We are put together differently, we think differently, we act differently, we love differently and we grieve differently. As a result, men’s posts have a different flavor or style than that of the ladies. When this pushback regarding style/word choice occurs, many of us feel unwelcome. And it contributes to driving the men out or discouraging them from even joining in.

3)   Why is the forum open to all who have lost? The mods have determined that this forum shall be an area open to anyone that has loved and lost that love through death, no matter what legal status they held or how long the time was that they were together. That certainly is their call (and that of the owners of the site.) But, having such a broad range of experience waters down the shared experience of those that participate. A widow who was married for 10 years has a completely different experience than that of a girlfriend whose boyfriend passed after less than a year of committed dating.

4)   Why are Mean Girls/Guys not banned? There have been plenty of times when a member has stepped out of line. It happens. I choose to believe it is as a result of having an overly passionate reaction to a post or the like. But when that member is allowed to continue to participate, it chills the experience of those members whose skin is tender and tends to shout them down. The forum rules seem to be applied unevenly where some posters can skate but other, lower status, if you will, posters get beat up without consequence. We have lost many members as a result of some of the flame wars both here and at the old board. Flame wars, while an unavoidable consequence of any forum can be contained and minimized. The ban hammer, if used judiciously, will keep a forum under control.

I know this post may come across sharply; it is not the intent at all. Simply my thoughts and ruminations on how we can make this a better and more vibrant forum.

Love you all and again, THANK YOU mods for all you do - Mike



The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

Adley

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2017, 11:38:45 PM »
Port side, we can always count on you to tell it like it is. We all think differently, but we're all here out of this weird mixture of grief and caring. Well said, I say, from the starb'rd.
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

sojourner

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2017, 08:18:48 AM »
Interesting points being made.

One thing I feel self-concious about when posting is knowing there's a wide age range of "young" widowhood here. I'm on the relatively older side- not a truly young widow, but too young to be a, what?, "standard" widow? And am old enough to be a grandmother (ouch!), yet, am still raising teens. I've seen posts before where very young widowed have brought up their pain, dismay, frustration, etc. relating to relatively older young widowed posting things involving their longer marriages, older children, sometimes also grandchildren.

I don't want to cause pain to anyone who never got to have children with their Love, for example, or got much less time together. So, oftentimes I find myself holding back on things I'd like to post about experiences I and/or my children have gone through and are still going through.

Julester3

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2017, 08:42:37 AM »
I also wonder since you can read the board without logging in that many people choose to just read and not participate? The summary at the bottom of the board always has over 30 guests.  Not all of them can be search engine robots.

Mizpah

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2017, 08:43:04 AM »
3)   Why is the forum open to all who have lost? The mods have determined that this forum shall be an area open to anyone that has loved and lost that love through death, no matter what legal status they held or how long the time was that they were together. That certainly is their call (and that of the owners of the site.) But, having such a broad range of experience waters down the shared experience of those that participate. A widow who was married for 10 years has a completely different experience than that of a girlfriend whose boyfriend passed after less than a year of committed dating.

Not to Portside, who feels the way he does (and believes I don't belong here), but to any who are coming here who were not married.  I was not married.  I only had a few far-too-short years with DH - yes, I call him that.  We'd worn rings for years, I'd changed my name legally.  We were part of each other's families.  We had plans to start our own family.  We shared a home.  We shared a life.  We planned a future together.  And it was taken.  From him.  From me.  From us.  I was torn apart, devastated, reeling.  The world made no sense to me.  All I could see was his absence.  All I could think about was his absence.  All I wanted to do was talk to him, and I couldn't.  He was my person.  What people said here was the only thing that made sense to me.  It transcended country and politics and often religion, and it transcended legal status.  For me.  I was in other relationships before that, at least one far longer.  But no prior relationship was as meaningful to me, or to him.  He was my person, my "soulmate."  We didn't get the chance to have 10 years or wedding pictures or children, and that was part of what I was mourning.  Calling it "partner loss" wouldn't have changed anything for me, about the experience in life or on the board.  And not being on the board wouldn't have been good for me, and many over the years have PM'ed me to say something I said meant something to them (just like I wrote to many others over the years in gratitude) - we ALL have that power, to light a tiny light for each other, because we know how much it hurts.  Differences in religion and custom and legal status, for me, were incidental, and I found comfort and wisdom and empathy in nearly all my fellow mourners, and also felt that, junior though I may have been in my relationship status with DH, what I experienced and thought was at times helpful to some others.  To me, that's what matters here - finding comfort, support, a sounding board, and though the words have come to take on a derogatory aspect, a "safe space," where I could be honest about how devastated or hopeless I felt, or about things I felt guilty about, like feeling happy for the first time after he died, etc., etc.  I think differences can and should be shared, and openly and honestly - as long as respectfully.  I hope this thread will only encourage more comfort here, rather than less.  Healing comes from processing and solidarity.  We all have something to gain and something to contribute. 
« Last Edit: September 08, 2017, 02:41:11 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Wheelerswife

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2017, 08:43:58 AM »
I have always felt that all who had experienced the death of a beloved partner should be welcome here - the very young to the too young to be widowed.  There is no place at all for the people who never got the chance to marry and this is the closest place for them to find community. I don't understand the need to define the concept of widowhood by having had a ceremony before losing a partner. Someone who is unmarried has not usurped anything by claiming to be or feel widowed, at least in my book. I don't understand the need for some people to drive home the concept that not being married means you are not a widowed person.

I have seen people driven off by this.

I'm sure that someone would be able to point things I might have said that discouraged people. ☹️

I'm sure I have said the wrong thing at times. I recognize that people here have very different belief systems. I think it gets tricky when someone interjects moral principles into a thread where the OP may believe differently. It is one thing to ask someone to consider whether something under consideration sits well in their heart/mind/gut, but to judge someone from one's own perspective isn't something any of us receives well.

I'm sorry for my own transgressions.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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hachi

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2017, 09:50:06 AM »
While I agree that there isn't the constant activity of the other board, I feel that this board in general is much more civilized. Yes, we have our occasional hurt feelings and misunderstandings, but it is not even close to the  tone the old board could take at times.

I like it. At five years, it is still a place I feel safe and connected to others in a way I don't always feel IRL. Maybe we censor ourselves a little more now? I know i don't post as often, and there have been many times I have deleted a response before posting, because I felt it would not help the situation.
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

Mizpah

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #13 on: September 08, 2017, 10:25:46 AM »
While I agree that there isn't the constant activity of the other board, I feel that this board in general is much more civilized. Yes, we have our occasional hurt feelings and misunderstandings, but it is not even close to the  tone the old board could take at times.

I will *never* forget the RabidBadgerWid v. LiveWire blowout.  It was INSANE.  High drama.  One for the ages.  (It also made me leave the board, bc I had so little capacity back in the early days for stuff like that.  So, yeah, civilized is good!)
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

oneoftwo

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Re: Curious as to why this board is so quiet
« Reply #14 on: September 08, 2017, 12:03:33 PM »
There was certainly some unnecessary drama on the old YWBB!
As far as this board- 2 things spring to mind-

-Maybe folks cant find it? on my search of "young widdow" (which I think is what originally got me here), this page shows up below the top 10 - so maybe it's unlikely to be found?

-Sometimes threads get overrun by the same posters, and it seems like you're 'interrupting' on ongoing conversation, rather than adding something